A Real-Life Lesson in Problem-Solving YOU Weren’t Taught

I was  recently  walking through Trader Joe’s with my 6-year-old daughter and 8-year-old son when I had a “moment.” You know what I’m talking about… the “moment” when you question your sanity for becoming a parent.

You question the sleepless nights, the tears, the meltdowns and drama.

You question all the messy madness.

And it’s only at home when everyone is fast asleep, and you could hear a pin drop, you realize just how full your cup is. How blessed you really are. How incredible each day is.

You also realize how hidden away the “teachable moments” seem to be. Yet, they are also so close to us, if we just dig in and get curious to explore. And oftentimes those “teachable moments” appear to be the problem.

Oftentimes those teachable moments are overshadowed by the “THE PROBLEM.” As I reflect, I’d like to share my experience and a “teachable moment” I encountered that fateful day at Trader Joe’s.

Oh, grocery stopping… how much pain your cause me…

The kids and I started down the frozen food section, and immediately, they ran towards the open-air freezers. My daughter started squealing with excitement as she scraped the ice crystals off a bag of green beans. She then started scraping the ice crystals off the metal vents on the freezer.

The kids and I started down the frozen food section, and immediately, they ran towards the open-air freezers. My daughter started squealing with excitement as she scraped the ice crystals off a bag of green beans. She then started scraping the ice crystals off the metal vents on the freezer.

Side note: Am I the only parent in Florida who has children that do this? Should I put a stop to it? Yes, I could put a stop to it, but it’s really quite harmless and brings the children such joy. You would’ve thought it was the first time we went grocery shopping at Trader Joe’s. I get it though, living in Florida you rarely get the opportunity to scrape ice off of anything.

“Icees,” my daughter shouted with excitement, as both kids continued scraping off little ice pieces while weaving in and out of customers shopping for frozen veggies. (It’s the simple things, right?)

I finished my shopping in the freezer aisle and asked the kids to come over to the cart for the second time. At which point NO ONE HEARD ME. Or they pretended not to hear me. At which point, I felt insanely frustrated (understatement).

As I rounded the corner, I saw them slowly following me as they giggled, throwing “icees” at each other. I was losing patience. This was not the plan. In my mind, I had planned for a quick, routine “Trader Joe’s Tuesday” trip after school. I could literally feel the patience leaving my body.

Parenting is hard. Exhausting. And often messy.

And one of the MOST REWARDING jobs on the planet.

You see, I clearly recalled the three of us having a conversation and making an agreement in the car about manners in the store. And while playful giggling and icees are okay on occasion, “Trader Joe’s Tuesdays” must also include manners and respect, which includes following directions and getting along.

While I was standing there thinking through the conversation we had in the car, all hell broke loose. The sweet and playful giggles had turned into a squabbling nightmare over who would ride on the cart. Really?!

This was definitely not our agreement. Our agreements usually go well when they are planned beforehand, so what was going on? Was it a full moon? Just an off day?

I decided it was time to turn around and started heading toward the checkout before I had my own “Trader Joe’s Tuesday” tantrum. Then, all of a sudden my 6-year-old daughter burst into tears.

Daughter: “I did NOT!!”

Son: “You did, too.”

Me: I am so not in the mood for this today. “Kids. We made an agreement before we got out of the car to get along. Are we supporting that agreement?”

Daughter: “NOOOOO!”

My brain was racing. What is going on?! You know when you’re in that moment, and you just need help? You just want someone to jump in, flip a switch and smooth things out? That’s exactly what I needed.

I needed a 21st-century version of Mary Poppins to swoop in and clean up the squabbling mess. And that is exactly what happened.

Somewhere in the midst of chaos, my overloaded and overstimulated brain had a moment of clarity.

And I’ll be honest, clarity doesn’t always arrive in a nicely wrapped package this fast. But this time, it did. It came through loud and clear.

My Brain: “The P.E.A.C.E. Process! Use it! Try it out! Mary Poppins is obviously not coming to help you. It’s time to move on.”

Me: Deep breath, hold, deep breath, hold, deep breath. Okay, I’m ready.

Step 1: Pay attention. Observe and state what you are seeing.

I calmly kneeled down, so that I was eye level with my daughter. “I see that you’re angry. Can you explain what happened with the shopping cart?” In that moment, my daughter grew further emotional and said, “I had the WORST day at school ever!”

Me: “Oh, wow. What happened?”
Daughter: “My friends didn’t include me at recess. My lunch fell on the floor. I felt sad. I really missed you while I was at school. I just wanted to go home!”

She continued sharing, and I asked more questions. Then within a minute, she hugged me and dried her tears.

Wow, what did I just witness? I just watched my daughter process her feelings by allowing her the space to feel heard. I refrained from judging her behavior and allowed her to work through stuff. And my, how quickly things shifted.

Just then, my son came over to apologize for jumping on the cart and hugged his little sister. “Sorry, Mom. I should’ve listened better and followed our agreement.”  Wow, is this REALLY happening?

Me: “I accept your apology, Buddy, but I really do need your support on following through on agreements.”
Son: “I will do better, Mom.”

Seriously, I had not expected for this to happen.

Even as a trained Life/Parent Coach, I too, am in the daily practice of parenting. It’s a practice, much like yoga, meditation or even becoming a good cook. And with any practice, you have to be working with the right tools.

The 5-Step P.E.A.C.E Process is a great place to start.

As I reflect on the situation, I see now that my daughter’s outburst was actually the result of something deeper. It wasn’t about her brother, the shopping cart or the agreement at Trader Joe’s, it was actually about something that happened earlier in the day at school. Something that was really bothering her. Something that she needed to share with someone she trusted. She needed to be heard.

After the Trader Joe’s experience, my daughter and I went through the rest of the P.E.A.C.E process at home. She was able to talk through the situation and connect with how she was feeling about the school day. She was then able to have a conversation with her school friends, and they created their own playground agreement.

The tool and experience really empowered my daughter to learn problem-solving skills while also working through her own feelings regarding the situation. At the end of the day, isn’t that what we want for our kids? For them to have the problem-solving skills to work through things?

Want to learn how you can use the full 5-step P.E.A.C.E. Process at no cost?

Join me, Christina Schneider, and the Jacksonville Moms Blog on Thursday, Feb. 2 at 8:30 p.m., as we dive in and discuss the 5-Step P.E.A.CE. Process. We will take a deeper look at this real-life story, and many others, to help you start to leverage this tool for more peace and connection with your children.

This workshop is a gift to you and your family. It will be worth every minute of your time, and please make sure you are free from distractions.

Conflict to Cooperation
Feb. 2, 2017 at 8:30 p.m.
SIGN UP HERE!

About the Author

Christina Schneider is a former corporate America worker bee turned stay-at-home-mom and Life & Parent Coach. When she’s not chasing around two wild and wonderful little humans, she is writing, teaching, and inspiring others to live their best life and relationships now, while it matters most. She is the founder of The Parenting Shift, a Conscious Parenting Program that empowers parents with the tools to cultivate deeply connected relationships and more peace at home. She loves working with people who are ready to take their parenting and relationships to the next level. You can register for her next workshop here or follow her inspirations on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.