Thoughts From the Courtroom: Am I Putting My Kids’ Best Interest First?

courtroomToday, I took a day off work so I could meet my attorney at the Duval County Courthouse to face my ex-husband who has, after almost three years of being divorced, petitioned for 50/50 time-sharing for our boys. When I left him, he told me he couldn’t do 50/50 because what would he do if he had to work? How would he get the kids where they needed to be? So, he agreed to every other weekend and one weeknight dinner. So, guess what I did? I showed up and made it ALL happen for our kids. I didn’t have a choice. If I didn’t, who would? But also, of course I showed up — they are my children and I always put their best interest first. But at this moment, staring at the door to the courtroom, I began questioning myself.

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From the time I found out I was pregnant with my first son, I was, well, terrified. I’m sure you were expecting me to say something like, “…I was so in love with the baby,” or “…I knew I was meant to be a mom,” or some other very uplifting feeling that so many women have when they find out they are pregnant. If you are that mom and had those uplifting thoughts, I commend you! My reality was wondering how the hell I was going to raise a tiny human without screwing him up. At the time, I had been married to my now ex-husband for three years. We had been trying to get pregnant, so it wasn’t a surprise — but when it happened, things changed. When I told him with very mixed emotions of fear and excitement, he didn’t react. Not only did he not have a reaction, but he also didn’t talk about it for two weeks until we had our first doctor’s appointment. I think because of that experience, I unconsciously prepared myself to be the parent who always put the kids first, because, after all, my ex couldn’t get past his own feelings to even attempt to be excited and/or scared with me about bringing our first child into the world. He did (and still does) always put himself first.

Fast-forward to today, as I sit facing a court hearing to find out if my request to dismiss his petition for a 50/50 parenting plan will be dismissed or if I will have to endure his narcissistic tactics through a trial. This is when I start wondering if I am actually putting the best interest of my kids first.

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I have often wondered if I should have stayed in my unhealthy marriage for the sake of the kids. Everyone has their own thoughts on this theory. Some women do stay for that reason, while others decide to walk away. In my opinion, neither decision is right or wrong because I think we are all still left wondering if what we do is in the best interest of the kids. Stay in an unhealthy marriage and let that be an example for them for their future, or worse, bury your feelings so deep that you can tell everyone things are “fine.” Or, on the contrary, decide to leave and deal with the trauma that comes with divorce and co-parenting.

As I sat waiting for our hearing, the thought crossed my mind that I should have stayed because it would have been less stress on the kids. I should have just buried my emotions and pretended everything was “fine.” I thought, I need to throw in the towel on this custody battle and just give him what he wants because it would be less trauma for the kids right now. When I get into these short-term feelings, I must remind myself of the long-term effects. I know the decisions I’m making are for the betterment of my boys for the rest of their lives — even if it just plain out sucks today.

Prior to our hearing, my ex submitted a petition for our sons to take the stand at our dismissal hearing. I experienced my first panic attack reading that email from my attorney. How could he do this to the kids? How could he put them in a situation where they must pick between their mom and their dad? How could he pin them against me? Their mom who pays for EVERYTHING with no child support. Their mom who makes sure they are registered for whatever the sport of the season is and gets them to every practice and every game. Their mom who makes sure they have field trip forms signed and paid for. Their mom who gives them money for the book fair, orders the yearbook, and makes sure their teachers get teacher appreciation gifts. Their mom who works her ass off to make sure they have a good life and who sets the example for them. Their mom who they call, while with their dad, to ask if I can order something, or schedule something, or do anything they don’t want to ask their dad for because they know they will get an hour-long dissertation on why he “can’t” afford it or why they don’t need it. You get it. I could go on and on and on, but I’m sure most of you, married or divorced, do this for your kids so you get it. But to then to have your character smeared in court documents is something I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.

Everyone who knows my situation always tells me, “The kids will eventually figure it out.” But for me, eventually is too far away. Their father has painted himself as the victim. I can’t defend myself to him or his wife, family, or friends because he is a narcissist who has pulled a blindfold over their eyes when it comes to my side of the story. And his side of the story is that I’m disingenuous, controlling, mean, and that I need to deal with my demons (just a few I’ve been accused of as of late). I can’t defend myself to my kids because I don’t know how to explain to a 13- and 8-year-old that their father continually manipulates them, but they just can’t see it yet. He has now resorted to referring to me by my first name when talking to our kids instead of “your mom” in an attempt to de-personalize me as their mother.

Here is what I know: When making decisions, I always put my kids’ best interest first.

Here is what I don’t know when I read communications from my ex: Am I actually putting their best interest first?

When will I fully believe myself and not him? We were married for 15 years, and the mental abuse started on day one and will continue until at least 2033 when my youngest turns 18. So, it’s my decision whether to believe him or not. It’s my decision whether to put the kids or myself first. It’s my decision to focus on what I can control — and not on what I can’t. Sounds easy, right (insert eye roll)?

Today, I am left wondering if I am doing what is best for my kids. I usually like to end my blogs with encouragement or a solution, but on this one, I can’t because I don’t know the answer. I will end on this note though: While I still don’t know if the kids will eventually “figure it out,” I will keep showing up. I will keep trying to be the best mom I can be. I will keep making decisions with my kids’ best interest in mind. I’m not healed from the emotional abuse. Honestly, I don’t know if I ever will be, but I’m learning, albeit, very slowly, that it’s not all my fault and that my kids will be okay if I keep doing what I can. So, to all the other mamas in my position, cheers to the “they will eventually figure it out.” I see you, and I encourage you to keep doing what you do.

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