When Marie’s daughter was around five-years-old, she asked Marie if it “hurts when a baby comes out of its mom’s butt.” Trying not to laugh out loud, Marie explained that babies actually come out of a mom’s vagina. The child then went back to playing.
That was a talk about sex.
Talking to children about sex seems to be a single event that many parents dread. We think our child will be embarrassed and we’re pretty sure we will be too. If we don’t talk to our kids about sexuality until they’re 13, then sit them down for a single discussion of “the birds and the bees,” you’re right; it may be quite uncomfortable. If we look at communicating with our kids about sex as a process that occurs throughout their childhood, it can be less intimidating for everyone involved.
Kids present parents with a lot of chances to educate them. When Marie’s daughter suggested babies exit their mothers’ bodies via their bums, Marie could’ve simply said “That’s not how it happens.” She would have been correct. However, adding the information about where babies actually exit the body was taking advantage of the opportunity her daughter presented.
You can cover a lot of ground if you take advantage of opportunities.
During safety conversations with children about boundaries and their private areas being off-limits to people who aren’t doctors or parents, consider introducing the idea that someday they may decide that someone can touch them in those areas. But that will be their personal decision several years down the road.
Use topics presented in social media and pop culture as a starting point for talks about sex and relationships. Pointing out examples of healthy and unhealthy relationships will give you the opportunity to offer your ideas to your children. If you keep the discussion fictional and don’t personalize it, your child may even offer information that gives you insight into how they understand relationships.
Accept that talking to your kids about sex is your responsibility.
I often hear something like, “My parents never talked to me about sex and I turned out okay. I don’t need to talk to my kid about it either.” I’m thrilled you turned out well. But the fact is, there is research that shows that children identify their parents as most significant influence when it comes to their decisions about sex. And teens who report having good conversations with their parents about sex are more likely to delay sexual activity, have fewer partners, and use condoms and other contraceptives when they do have sex.
Our children live in a highly sexualized society where they are exposed to sexual language, images, and behaviors before they are developmentally prepared to handle them. If you don’t educate them because you’ve remained silent on the subject, someone else will educate them and you have no control over the content.
Acknowledging sexuality is not the same as giving permission to have sex.
When parents help children understand that sexual thoughts and feelings are normal, there are more opportunities for parents to have conversations about how to be abstinent as well as how to monitor and deal with their sexual urges. This also provides opportunity for further discussion about how to be safe and responsible when the teens start to engage in intimate physical or sexual activities.
For older children, let them know that sex can be a really good thing. This will help them to have positive standards by which to judge sexual experiences. Help your kids know why sex is worth waiting for and give them some realistic guidance about how they will know when it might be worth moving forward.
If the idea of doing any or all of this is overwhelming, there are still lots of ways that you can make sure your child gets the best information.
- There are books of all reading levels that explain topics such as anatomy, intercourse, where babies come from, hygiene, and protection from STDs and pregnancy.
- There are YouTube videos about sex education available to either explain to you how to talk to your kids or will give parts of the talk for you.
- If you have a trusted friend or family member that is willing to talk to your kids about sex, have them do it. I know a mom who swapped kids with another mom for discussions about sex because she found the idea of talking to her own children about it to be too intimidating.
Like every part of parenting, during the process of educating your kids about sex, you will make mistakes and have moments of discomfort. You’ll likely recover and laugh later.
And much like the act itself, talking to your kids about sex gets easier with practice.
About the Author
Noelle Pomeroy, PhD, LMHC is a Clinical Sexologist and Licensed Mental Health Counselor. She owns Jacksonville Center for Sexual Health located in Julington Creek area and Ponte Vedra Beach. Dr. Pomeroy lives in Mandarin with her husband and two daughters.
Website: www.jaxsexualhealth.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/jacksonvillehealth
Twitter: @jaxsexualhealth
Thank you to Jacksonville Center for Sexual Health for sponsoring this post.
This is great! I think it’s so important to approach SexEd directly and matter-of-factly with kids (age appropriate, of course). My 1 year old boy and 3 year old girl know the correct names for their genitalia and when my daughter asks me questions (“What are boobs for, mommy?”) I try to answer them as simply and honestly as possible. Thanks for sharing!