A Conversation with a Military Mom

After being stationed in Jacksonville for over nine years, the Navy gave us orders to move to Newport, Rhode Island. We arrived in Newport early November to find we arrived just in time to see the beautifully colored fall leaves the island has to offer. We are enjoying our new adventure and starting to settle into our New England home, but we miss the Jacksonville community and the friends we left behind dearly.

In an effort to meet people, and learn more about our new community I attended a meeting for our school district’s military families. I am thrilled that our school district is interested in making military families’ transition to the schools as comfortable as possible by listening to our concerns. At the meeting a military mom told a story that had me fighting back tears. She said that her child once made a new friend after a military move and the new friend’s mother said that she didn’t especially want the two children to become close friends because her child gets so sad when her military friends move away. I immediately pictured my five-year-old who just started going to a new school two months into kindergarten. I so desperately want her to make new friends after leaving behind such a wonderful kindergarten class and group of friends in Jacksonville.

I thought, what if a mother said this to me?  What would I do?  What would I say? 

Initially, I would be very upset with this mom. But, I hope I would invite the mom over for coffee and tell her a little about our life, particularly the past year and a half, because it’s been our most challenging so far.

I would first tell her about our recent move. I would explain that I was a nervous wreck the first day my daughter started kindergarten in Jacksonville, and here we are doing the first day all over again in a new state just two months later. I would tell her how much time it takes to research kindergartens, tour schools, meet teachers, buy school supplies, and read handbooks TWICE just for kindergarten.

I would tell her about Lyla’s last day of Kindergarten in Jacksonville, just days before we moved. How I took cupcakes to her class with hopes that this would somehow lessen the sadness she felt as she said bye to her classmates. The teacher let me go to the playground with the class that day and the entire time Lyla would run up to me holding hands with different friends, asking me to take their picture. My two-year old also misses her preschool friends and talks about them often. I really don’t know if she fully understands that she may never see them again.

I would describe how ill at ease I feel as I drop Lyla off at her new school and pick her up everyday and see the mom’s who have known each other for months or years chatting and laughing as I used to do with moms in Jacksonville. I now do the awkward thing where you hear bits of conversation and insert yourself into a conversation that you weren’t invited into. The moms are friendly and I am slowly learning a few names. I know by the end of the year I’ll be one of the moms chatting it up and laughing, and I hope I’ll remember to scout out the new moms along the way and introduce myself.

I would tell the mom about our challenging year and half leading up to this move. My husband was deployed for 10 ½ months and returned home four months before our move. This was our first deployment with kids. I had so much anxiety about how my girls would do without their daddy and how he would do without seeing them for so long. My heart broke for our family.

I would tell her how I dreaded school events like “Donuts with Daddy” during deployment because Lyla’s Daddy was so far away and could not be there with her. And how Lyla was on stage multiple times during deployment, and sang a solo at her Pre-K graduation, and I held a video camera each time fearing that I was going to somehow mess up the video and her Dad would never see the performance.

I understand where this mom is coming from. No one likes to see their child hurt when their friends move away. I hate that her child gets sad when her friends move, but I want her to realize how often military families leave friends and get sad. Saying good-bye to friends and moving every few years is the norm. It’s also hard for military kids to walk into a new school in the middle of the school year once friendships have already been made, sports teams have already been formed, and lunch table seating arrangements established.

Every family has challenges, but military families do come with our own unique set of issues. In addition to life’s everyday demands, military families must endure deployments, frequent moves, and know their loved ones might be in harm’s way. Military families prove to be resilient when facing these issues, but there are things friends and neighbors can do to support military families and help them feel like they are part of the community.

November is Military Family Appreciation Month. This month we honor the commitment and sacrifices made by the families of the nation’s service members. In honor of this month, I challenge you to do something special for a military family. The holidays are a great time to invite a family over for dinner who may not be able to travel to see their family for the holidays. Tell families about clubs, sports, and ways to get involved in their new town. If the service member is deployed, offer to mow the lawn, watch kids, or simply head over and keep a mom company after her kids are in bed. That is the loneliest time of day for a military spouse. Mail care packages to deployed servicemen and women. They truly enjoy getting mail while so far away from home.

These simple acts of kindness mean so much to military families. We want to be a part of your community. We never really feel like locals, but we sure do try. Show us support by helping us get involved and making us feel like we are a part of your town. Most importantly be our friends. We know we won’t be here forever, but we will always remember you and how you helped us get through a difficult tour.