When I first started writing, one of the first blogs I wrote was about how while I love being a mommy, I don’t want my only identity to be “mommy.” Now hear me out, since, during that time, my entire ministry had been based around my desire to become a mom. We experienced a lot of loss, and I do think it has opened my eyes to how much our children are truly miracles. I thank God for my daughter every single day, but still… I want more in this life than just mommyhood, not just for me, but also for my daughter.
I want my daughter to see me for the whole person I am and see qualities in me she can look up to, as well. I want her to know how loved she is, but also know that we, as women and moms, can do anything we set our minds to. We can have passions and interests outside of their tiny little lives. The problem is, when the heck do we have time for that?!
It’s a common discussion in the mom world about how years into being a mom, we somehow lose our identity; we lose some of the person we used to be. Years of giving all of yourself for your tiny humans means sacrificing so much (even bathroom alone time) that one day we look up and don’t recognize the person in the mirror at all. I think it’s important now more than ever to regain some of ourselves or find a new passion that fills us so that our kids not only see us as whole, healthy women, they see they aren’t the center of the universe (even though at this point they ARE the center of our universe).
The problem with this very inspiring statement is that there’s nothing left at the end of the day. Whether you work full time, part-time or are the COO of your home, we’re usually left feeling depleted, so room for ourselves is basically non-existent, or we use it by binge-watching guilty pleasure shows late at night on Netflix. And while this is super fun and feels like the equivalent of a small vacation from reality, it’s not really FILLING our souls.
Not only are we depleted as moms, stress and anxiety are also running rampant in our culture. I don’t know if it’s our age, stage of life, or just the world we live in now, but Rebekah Lyons said it best in her new book, “We live in a society that is over-stressed, over-anxious, and burned out.” The more I dig into the reason behind my own stress and anxiety, I realized it has a lot to do with the feeling that, “We have to stay BUSY or we’ll die mentality,” but also because I’m overloading myself with busy tasks instead of the things that truly make me come alive. I’m not taking time for the things that fill me up, so I’m left with nothing but tears at the end of the day if I see another shoe (a single shoe) on the floor.
I think with this combination of an over-stimulated society, motherhood, and losing a sense of our old identity, it’s time to take some steps forward in becoming that WHOLE woman again, if not only for us, for our KIDS. John Eldridge once said, “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive, because what the world needs are men and women who have come alive.” If you’re like me, it took some time and reflection to figure out what exactly that meant for me. If I was going to spend any time away from my littles, it had to be meaningful.
Get quiet. Rebekah Lyons said in a recent book, “If you lose your voice, be quiet a while. It will come back.” I don’t know about you ladies, but I am constantly stimulated, constantly distracted, and constantly staying busy. The first time I realized a new passion for writing was when I quit my full-time job out of severe burnout and was forced into being quiet for a moment. It was the best thing that ever happened to me because it forced me into thinking, praying, and dreaming. Most of us, if asked, can easily come up with the one thing that distracts us most from those needed quiet moments. Maybe it’s your to-do list hanging over you, Netflix to just zone out, or the constant nagging of social media. We’re in the season of Lent, and whether or not you participate in Lent, it’s a great reminder that there are times in our lives where it’s good to get quiet, good to cut out some distractions, and figure out what makes us come alive again.
Figure out what makes you come alive so that you’re a better woman, wife, and especially mom. I recently had this discussion with a few other ladies about the silence and getting quiet being deafening at first. I’d encourage you to push through and ask yourself a few questions. Put the phone away, turn the TV off, and actually write it out. What fills me? What drains me? Figuring this out can be so freeing because once you do, it helps you learn to fight for those things that fill you and cut out some of those things that drain you. If you’re anything like me, I’m a MUCH better wife and mother when I’m serving and loving my family from a full cup instead of tired and frazzled leftovers.
It’s worth it, for yourself and your family, to think through these things and make time for what makes you come alive as a person. At the end of the day, being a mom is probably the hardest job you will ever have but also the most rewarding. But, my hope and prayer is that my daughter sees me, all of who God made me to be, and look up to me with respect for the things I do outside of just being her safe place and mess cleaner.
About the Author
A true Southern girl, Carol Gilham was born and raised in Birmingham, Alabama. She attended Auburn University and is a die-hard Auburn Tiger fan. Upon moving to Jacksonville, Carol quickly fell in love with the community and has lived in Jax since 2008. Carol has over 12 years of marketing and communications experience and works with a variety clients and industries. She’s passionate about inspiring people and brands, and writes a published lifestyle blog called “Let’s Get Real, Ladies.” Her tagline for life is “Encourage, Inspire and Speak Life.” She’s married to her husband, Daniel, has a feisty 5-year-old named Kennedy, and has a new rainbow baby on the way! Their family loves being with friends, camping or being outdoors, and spending time out and about in the community they love so much. To check out more of her blogs, you can find them at reallifemommy.org.
