On what could possibly be my last night in rehab, I am inspired to write a farewell letter. The past 79 days have been a roller coaster of emotions: terror, pain, humiliation, anger, frustration, hopelessness, anxiety, loneliness, anticipation, hopefulness, helplessness, disgust, excitement, joy, surrender, calamity–ad infinitum. Remember the poster with all the emoticons for feelings? I can relate. When drugs and alcohol were my coping mechanism for a decade, I didn’t feel anything. I just felt numb. Empty. Lost. Existing.
Steadily, like the crack in an eggshell, my capacity for feeling opened up, and life began to flow. With the crumbles of my mistakes, baggage, and defects, I began to feel something…life! It was knocking at my door (actually, it was God knocking at my door, but I’m going to save that part for later). I finally experienced that total psychic change that “they” had been talking about.–You know, the one that I’ve been waiting for since my daughter was 6 months old, and I hit the first of my incomprehensible and seemingly unending bottoms. I was longing to get “struck sober,” but waiting for that strike almost killed me. I had to take action.
Sitting–or hiding out–in 12-step meetings and talking 12-step lingo with other “friends of Bill” wasn’t going to get me sober. Relying on an addiction psychologist (LOVE him!), old-timers, a dependable ex-husband, sober friends, Christian moms, speaker CDs, sponsors, 12-step retreats, wonderful (sometimes enabling, sorry) parents–even that didn’t get me sober. If there was a softer, easier way, I guarantee I would have taken it, but there wasn’t. To put it in plain and simple terms, I had to be willing to do the hard work myself. I tried and failed to do it alone countless times, but willpower alone is not enough. Addiction is a physical and mental disorder, and if left untreated, it will kill you. It is progressive and deadly.
I have lost SEVERAL family members to this disease (whether by heart attack, suicide, overdose, or cancer) and might still lose more; but although I want so much to help them, I can focus only on myself. I can become the change I want to see in the world. The outpouring of support from my first blog post (I Am Not The Woman I Want to Be) was unbelievable. I was inspired by so many people who told me, “No matter what, just keep writing,” and so I am. And so I do. I am writing because it’s what I love to do, and I’m learning about myself and the things that give me joy and fulfillment.
Because I had finally had enough of the cycle of pain and destruction, I voluntarily chose to go to rehab, and I knew that if I kept doing the same things, I would keep getting the same results. So I’m doing something different: I am trying to remain open-minded, teachable, and willing to listen to other sober people who have been there, and I’m trying to practice these principles in my everyday life. I am doing the work, taking the steps, and giving back to others who really want to help. If I want to ensure my sobriety, I have to give it away. What you give is what you get.
So what am I giving these days?–Forgiveness, compassion, patience, mindfulness, undivided attention to those I love, hope, joy, and the message that there is a solution! I’m working toward achieving progress, not perfection. This disease does not have to kill you or your loved ones–there is hope, but “it ONLY works if you work it.”
My next adventure will be to re-establish myself in my kids’ lives as a healthy, reliable mom. I’ve done what I thought was best for them, although I desperately wanted to cling to the two little people who helped me feel whole. But that wouldn’t have been fair to them: it’s not their job to “fix Mommy.” They’re supposed to be kids! Some might say that I walked out or copped out, but I leave it to God to judge me–I knew that I had to take care of myself, because nobody else could or would do it for me.
P.S. In my last blog posting, I mentioned AA, and that is really a no-no. I don’t want to be the face or voice of AA; it puts too much pressure on me, and I certainly would never want to give this wonderful organization a bad name. Twelve-step recovery works only as long as you earnestly work it.
To be continued…
–Anonymom
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