When it became clear spring would look nothing like the color-coordinated and sticker-filled planner I had created in the months leading up to March, I had a good cry, said goodbye to graduation and birthday parties, and dove into a three-ring circus of parenting, working, and teaching. For about 12 weeks we worked, played, taught, stayed home, and kept four kids from sending us on a short trip off a tall bridge. I embraced it all and super-mommed it, really enjoying those precious weeks with my babies. But when the first week of June came and daycare opened, my office went back to work, and camp started, believe me, I was peeling out of the driveway with all four kids, lunch boxes, towels, bathing suits, and shot records for daycare like I had changed overnight from Mary Poppins to Ms. Hannigan.
But with cases in Florida rising again, suddenly I’m left like an engine in Thomas the Train — what is this confusion and delay? Why is there a mask mandate, but the city is hosting fireworks? Is school really going to open in August? Should I get school supplies or not bother yet? Should I buy uniforms while they are on sale if they’re going to outgrow them before they ever physically set foot on campus? How is my rising sixth-grader going to handle a new school and make new friends when she may have to start it virtually? And how on earth is my second grader going to go to meet his teacher, and will she even recognize him if he has to wear a mask? My rising second-grader had the hardest time this spring — too young to easily manage the computer for the online work, and completely lonely as he was too young really to text and too old to just be happy at home with mom and dad.
I’m now left wondering about the mental health of my kids — is sending them back to school the right choice? For their mental health? What about their physical health? What about my mental health? The end of the year with all the online reading and math review was one thing. Starting a whole new grade is another. And what about camp? They’ve already been stuck at home since March. I have reached the utter ends of Pinterest and the craft aisle at Target. Summer camps have been a welcome, happy respite. I have my happy, sweet kids back. But now what, with cases rising again and even people we know getting diagnosed? Do I leave my kids home with my husband, who is still working from home, and hope they don’t destroy each other over the Monopoly board? Do I send them to camp to get some exercise and time with friends? What is the right answer? Is there even one? Is anyone even listening? Bueller? There is nothing more certain in motherhood than the certainty you will second-guess yourself over and over and over. It’s like a roulette game I can’t win.
As a major planner who loves all things planned, calendared, tracked, and color-coded, I know this uncertainly isn’t good for my mental health. I’m tired of ending sentences with “Well, we’ll see.”
My daughter: “Can we go to Disney?”
Me: “Well, we’ll see.”
My son, upon seeing a tractor: “Mommy, I want to go back to the farm with the pumpkins!”
Me: “Well, that’s not until the fall, so we’ll see…”
My oldest: “This year for my birthday I’d like to…”
Me: “Well, we’ll see if we can do that then…”
And I’m tired of starting sentences with “If…” “If this clears up by then…” “If they don’t cancel…” “If it’s open…” “If they have it…”
We have much to be thankful for, absolutely. We are employed, have understanding and caring bosses with their own children, and we haven’t gotten sick. Wearing masks doesn’t tend to bother me or my kids, though it’s always heartbreaking when your 4-year-old says, “I need my Gator mask, so I don’t get the virus.” So really, I can’t complain about things. I’m just overwhelmed with living in this half-functioning world where life is seemingly supposed to be getting back to normal but really isn’t, as there are still so many big worries out there, decisions can’t be made, and plans are always up in the air. As moms, we need to be able to sign our kids up for baseball, to send them to school or daycare without worrying about it suddenly closing down again, to know someone is actually going to make it to our child’s wedding or birthday party, to plan for them to graduate on time, to know we can show up for work without scrambling for childcare at the last minute.
All moms want what’s best for their children, and a deadly virus that doesn’t seem to want to quit, that affects childcare and schooling, team sports and ballet lessons, weddings, graduations, holidays, and personal relationships isn’t good for anyone, let alone our kids — whether they’re grown and flown or still home. I wish I had answers for this. I know there will be answers in time. Loving them through it seems to be all I can do at the moment. We hold hands when life gets scary. Right now that’s all I know for sure. Otherwise, I’m just a mom with no answers, second-guessing every choice I make.
