True Life :: I Can’t Carry Your Baby

TrueLifeICantCarryYourBaby

I have two healthy kids and had two totally normal pregnancies. Besides the normal heartburn, morning/all day sickness, I’d say they were pretty easy. No complications at all and were both 41 weeks. I knew we were done having kids after our second was born. My husband and I had lots of conversations about it. My heart was content with our little family of 4.

As time went on, I had a few friends that had trouble getting pregnant, had miscarriages or went through IVF. My heart hurt for them because I knew how much they wanted even just one child. One night while out with some girlfriends, one friend confided in us that she had a miscarriage. We never knew. She told us they were going to try IVF the following year once they saved up the money. Jokingly two of us said we would be happy to be her surrogate. Yes, I said it jokingly, but in my heart, I knew I would totally do it.

Ever since then, about two years ago, I’ve looked into being a surrogate. I’ve had conversations with my husband about what this would entail for our family. He was a bit taken back at first but is totally on board with whatever I decide.

I LOVE my kids, and my heart hurts every time I hear of friends and family who have a hard time conceiving. They yearn for a child and knowing that I could possibly help makes me feel like I should. Then I stumbled upon a roadblock that may have changed my mind.

I spoke with another surrogate, who, at the time was pregnant with her second pregnancy for a couple. She was only about seven weeks along when she went in for an appointment, and the heart beat was faint. They feared they were losing the baby. I asked her 5 million questions. She said the couple had it written into their contract with her that if the baby had an abnormality or would have the possibility of dying at birth, they had the option to abort the fetus. My heart sank. I never knew this was something that would be in a contract. I know if it was my (own) child, I would not be okay aborting a fetus. For religious reasons, plus the physical and emotional aspect of it, it would not sit well with me. This is where the roadblock slapped me in the face. My head understands this decision because it’s their baby, not mine. But my heart–just can’t take that. It’s also when I realized, I’m not just providing a safe place to carry their baby to term and give them life, but I’m also giving them my entire body the nine plus months I’d be carrying their baby.

Unfortunately, the baby my friend was carrying did pass away, but naturally. The couple she was carrying for wants to try for more children. She has to wait a few months until they can implant again. While speaking with the couple, they asked her if she’d be willing to carry more than one child or if she knew of others that would want to carry at the same time. This way they can have children of the exact same age, even if they weren’t twins. My friend asked a group of us if it’s something we’d ever consider. Immediately I said YES! Again, I’ve been picking her brain and a whole slew of ladies in private Facebook groups, to see if this is really a good decision for me and the couple. Although I immediately said yes, I haven’t committed to anything. I keep going back and forth. My head and heart are in a major turmoil.

Although I haven’t ruled it out, I may have to tell them I can’t carry your baby–and it breaks my heart. If I do decide to be a surrogate, I know my time is limited as I get older.

I’d love to hear anyone else’s experiences of being a surrogate.

2 COMMENTS

  1. As a surrogate 16 weeks pregnant with a little girl – you have to be totally sure you can do it. My experience has been wonderful!!! I can’t say enough good things about it.

    If termination isn’t something you’re comfortable with put it in the contract. If you don’t want to carry multiples – put it in the contract. You get a say as to what goes in the contract and you have to be ok with it. Good Luck!

  2. I’m currently in the surrogacy process myself and so far even though it can be tough, I am finding it so rewarding to know I am helping a couple be able to realize their dreams of becoming parents. For the concerns you mentioned, plenty of surrogates aren’t comfortable with terminating, reducing multiples or transferring more than one embryo at a time. If you work with an agency be upfront about what you’re looking for so they can find you the best possible match. If you wind up going Indy, just make sure to discuss these points with the intended parents. And always make sure these things are in your contract!
    I’m glad that it seems like you get that this is more than just providing a cozy womb for 9 months. The process is actually much longer than that when you consider matching, med screenings, psych screenings, legal contracts, med cycles, transfer procedures, etc. Hopefully you will be successful o the first try, but if not it can take several months or longer just to get pregnant. Also, be prepared to be on meds for months at a time and be rigorous about taking them exactly when you need to. Be prepared to do shots every day for several months. Be prepared that it won’t work the first time and you may have to deal with a chemical pregnancy, miscarriage, blighted ovum, etc. as these are all more common when doing surrogacy/ivf. Not trying to scare you- just want to make sure you know what you’re getting into since I’ve had to deal with almost all of that stuff in my journey so far. That being said, I’m currently 6 weeks along now and couldn’t be happier for my IP’s, and I would do it all again in a heartbeat! Best of luck o your journey!

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