It started off innocently enough. We were at the zoo and our kids, ages 4 and 3, were watching the bear, who for once was actually up playing and not just napping. They were giggling at how silly the bear was and my daughter said, “I wish we could go in there and play with that bear, he’s so cute!” I smiled and explained that people couldn’t go into the bear’s house, but we could stay and watch as long as she wanted. She accepted my answer and turned back around to continue watching when my husband chimed in with “And people can’t play with bears because bears can really hurt people.” I shot him a look. That was completely unnecessary information, as far as I was concerned, and I knew what was coming. I knew both kids would now have 1,000 questions about bears and how they hurt people. I was right.
“What do you mean bears hurt people? How? Why? He’s not like Paddington Bear or Winnie the Pooh? Would he be angry if I ate his honey? Do bears pull hair?” I looked at my husband pointedly, letting him know he opened this can of worms, so he can deal with the questions. To his credit, he did try to answer tactfully at first and keep it age appropriate. But as anyone who has been peppered with questions from inquisitive preschoolers, he lost his patience and blurted out “A bear would literally rip your skin with his claws just because that is what bears do!”
Wide-eyed, both kids stopped asking about the bear, climbed in the stroller, and not surprisingly were ready to move on to the next animal. I looked at him exasperated, shaking my head. What was that all about? Why would he say that to our small, sweet children?
Generally, my husband and I are on the same page with parenting. We agree on all the big stuff, make a point not to fight in front of them, and support each other when one of us makes a decision in front of the kids. But for some reason, this issue with the bear stuck with me, and I brought it up that night. His view was that he was being truthful and teaching them the real nature of an animal. He didn’t see a problem with his response or it’s brutal honesty because that is the way the world is, and they are old enough to handle it.
I disagree. True, they are old enough to know that all animals aren’t nice. We learned that lesson after a bit of scare when they tried chasing a raccoon to pet it one evening at the park. But the odds of them running into a wild bear are pretty slim, so why take away the playfulness and fun of a situation by scaring them with all of the details, even if it is the truth?
This issue of whether to be completely honest has come up a few times recently. Last week, my son, who is obsessed with dinosaurs, was telling us about all of the different kinds of dinosaurs, what they ate, and what kinds of dinosaurs were friends with each other. In what was apparently an effort at teaching, my husband explained that many of those dinosaurs lived at different periods, so they wouldn’t have actually lived together at the same time. This meant that my son’s beloved stegosaurus and ankylosaurus couldn’t actually be best friends, which made him start to cry. My husband was trying to be helpful and teach him about the various periods they lived in, but all Liam heard was that part of his magical little dinosaur world wasn’t true. Cue another eye roll and shaking head from me. Seriously?
Once again, my husband defended his actions, saying he would do the same thing again because he thinks that we should be teaching our children the way things actually are. He says now Liam understands the various periods the dinosaurs lived in, so it was a teaching moment. And once again, I’m annoyed with him and how he’s handling the situation.
To me, it seems as though he’s taking away some of the magic of childhood by telling them things they don’t need to know. Isn’t life more fun when you really believe that you can roll around with the bears? I don’t want to curl up to read Brown Bear Brown Bear and have my four-year-old remind me that bears are actually mean and will scratch you with their claws. I understand that at some point they will learn all about the world, but I don’t want to rush it, and I don’t understand why my husband does.
After cruising through our first four years as parents with only a few minor disagreements, I am surprised this is our first real conflict in how we raise these tiny humans. I would never have expected something so seemingly small to annoy me so much. He enthusiastically embraces Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, so why can’t he play along with friendly tigers and dinosaurs that all lived at the same time? Maybe I’m overreacting, I have been known to do that once or twice, but I think he needs to tone down his “tell it like it is” approach or he is not getting invited back to the zoo.
It is worth mentioning that these incidents happened months before the recent situation with the gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo. While the reality of that interaction with an animal was certainly eye opening for me, it has not changed my opinion of what my kids need to know at this point in their lives. At what age did you start explaining to your kids the reality vs. the fantasy of the world?
I am with you! I’m all for being honest with my children… but that doesn’t mean you have to over share and tell them information that isn’t necessary for them to know. My brother-in-law and sister are both very much like your husband in that sense. They are always telling their son every detail and even correcting him so that he is never wrong. He is 5 and is an absolute perfectionist who kept correcting my (then) 2 year old over anything she said that wasn’t accurate while they were playing together over Christmas. It drives me nuts! I love them, but I just cannot parent like that.