I’m a planner. I love spreadsheets. Before I had kids I thought I could plot their life’s path on a trajectory and they would follow it.
Of course, I learned how ridiculous that was just a few hours into motherhood.
Once my husband and I had drinks with some friends who were expecting their first baby, while our 3-year-old played nearby. One of them said, “We know a lot of successful people, so I’m going to put all of the data about how they got where they are in a spreadsheet and do everything for our kid that way.” I burst out laughing at him. “What’s wrong with that?” he asked me, puzzled. “Some days I’m just happy if my kid wears pants,” I told him. Everyone cracked up. Bless his heart.
My point is, we may have plans and dreams and plot paths for our kids, but the main data point that isn’t part of all those strategies is the KID themselves. They’re the variable. Because they all grow up to be these wild, wonderful human beings and along the way it is impossible to take into consideration WHO they are as humans and HOW they will change. But that’s the beauty of parenting — we do the best we can, and they turn into these individualistic, amazing, fascinating PEOPLE.
When my oldest was small, I agonized over where she’d go to kindergarten. After we finally made a choice, I even wrote a blog about how she’d go there, her siblings would follow, and then she’d get into this middle school and this high school, and go there, and then college. And the other three would follow. I don’t have to tell you how all that worked out.
Somewhere around age 9, she started a ballet class with a new teacher, and her entire life changed. She decided around seventh grade that she wanted to be a ballerina, and that was that. Her interest in interior design, architecture, her ability at math… well, all those things I’d thought would help propel her toward a great, lucrative career, she stopped really pursuing. Suddenly, I was sewing pointe shoes at 11 p.m. in hotel lobbies before competitions, buying pancake tutu bags (yes, that’s a thing), and driving all over the Southeast.
In the winter of her ninth grade, she was accepted into a big-city ballet company’s professional development program. Now she had to choose: return to her wonderful school in tenth grade, or go 1,000 miles away to a big city where she had no friends but could follow her dream. She chose the big city.
I was more proud of the fact that she was willing to take the “road not taken” than the dance acceptance. My girl was brave enough to leave her family, her friends, and her beloved ballet teacher because she had a shot at a dream she cared so deeply about. She did not choose the usual path; she embraced the uncertainty, hard work, and unknown.
As her parents, this was absolutely terrifying. I felt like I had no compass, that there was no light at the end of the tunnel, and suddenly I was without a guidebook. Eventually, I found a million Facebook dance parent groups and realized one thing is very clear: EVERY child’s path is different, success is different for everyone, and how you get there is drastically different and changes over time. There is no correct road to take. Everything can be in the cards. And of course, I realized, this applies to every child, dancer or not, in the end. As someone who lives by planners and spreadsheets, you can imagine this is hard for me to be comfortable with.
But what I am comfortable with is her. This is her dream. I am not sure I could forgive myself if she had the opportunity to fulfill a dream and I held her back just because it isn’t a “normal” or usual, predictable path. And here’s the thing I’ve learned over 17 years of parenting: Our children are their own selves (and definitely not a chance for us to rehash our unfulfilled dreams). My oldest has taught me that her three younger siblings may not follow a single, expected path — but that could actually be the best thing for them. And I have learned that is okay. Fitting them into a mold of what they should do, or must do, because it is expected, may not be best for them, and may not make them happy. The biggest gift you can give your child is to love and support them for who they ARE and to let them fly in the way they choose.
And just hope they’re wearing pants along the way.
