Boy, did I always think I had it all under control. There wasn’t anything parenting related I couldn’t handle on my own — and did handle. With no family nearby for me or my husband, I relied on myself, my husband when he wasn’t at work, and babysitters when needed.
I ran myself ragged, but I did it.
And then we had twins. And suddenly I absolutely couldn’t do it anymore, not even with my husband’s help.
Having twins, although the hardest thing I’ve ever had to manage in my life (and I do not say that lightly, at all), was a blessing in disguise. Yes, that old adage. You know why? Because it taught me how to say “YES.”
YES, when someone offered to bring me lunch while I was on maternity leave. YES, when my friends offered to take my other children to their house for playdates. YES, when another mom offered to pick up and drop off my daughter for ballet. YES, when my dear friend offered to do my dishes.
Let me tell you, mamas: Get over it.
Don’t be ashamed of the state of your sink. Let your friend wash those damn dishes.
Here’s a secret: There’s a looooong, never-ending list of stuff that needs to get done. But you don’t always have to be the one to do it all. In fact, you probably can’t anyway.
Let your husband take the kids to school if he offers. Let your mother-in-law take them to her house for a bit, even though they’ll be filled with sugar and rotten TV. Let that church group bring you dinner. When someone texts you from the grocery store and asks if you need anything, say YES.
YES, I need help. YES, please bring me coffee. YES, hold my baby. YES, YES, YES.
As someone who has always been our household Chief Operating Officer, organizer, gift-buyer, birthday party-planner, soccer-signer-upper, etc., it has been REALLY hard for me to let go of the control of doing everything myself. I have spreadsheets for everything from bills to summer activities/camps and a planner thicker than a Bible. I have multiple calendars and folders and email addresses and apps to keep my life, and my children’s lives, organized.
Until I had infant twins, and couldn’t do it anymore without completely drowning. Make a list of all that needs to get done, and if someone offers, let them do it. The list does not have to be done all by you. Give yourself permission to let someone else help. It does not make you a lesser mama.
When I had my first baby, a mere acquaintance brought me dinner. At the time I was embarrassed. Now I know better. Take the dinner. Allow people to help. They offered — it means they want to. Don’t steal their joy and desire to help you by being too controlling or too ashamed to take it. I had to unexpectedly go out of town for a family emergency without my kids and husband this fall, and my friends fed my family. They asked, they offered, out of love and concern. And I said YES. I’m not sure I would have done that five years ago. But what a gift it was to feel loved and cared for and know my family was fed when the rest of my world was falling apart.
One day, when you have it together a little more, YOU can be the one to bring dinner. YOU can host a playdate. YOU can wash the damn dishes. It will come full circle, that I can promise. And it may be weeks or even years, but one day you will have the capacity and desire to help.
We’re all in this together, and most moms are more than happy to help each other out — we’ve all been there. Don’t be afraid to let go, and take the help. It will get done — and it doesn’t have to be by YOU.
