Suckers. All you first-time mamas of preschoolers and elementary students are suckers because you thought school ended in May. Bless your little hearts — total rookie mistake. As if that deceptive calendar they sent home at the end of the year was the whole truth. Ladies, you failed to notice only the good stuff like holidays, breaks and the bittersweet last day of school were highlighted. Of course you skipped right over the month of May because you needed to calculate your freedom countdown… priorities, huh? I get it, but it’s time the veteran mamas schooled you on the truth: Your kid-free time during the school day actually ran out in April. Do not expect to get anything done during this time in May.
That’s right. Any errands you needed to run, hair appointments, checkups and those blissful kid-free trips to Target (in the name of “grocery shopping,” even though we know our true intentions) were over last month. I hate to burst your bubble, but time has run out, friends. May is the parental equivalent of tax season. Think required meetings, forms and deadlines… lots and lots of deadlines. May sneaks up on everybody including the teachers. Put your head down and expect some serious cramming because quizzes and tests are coming out the yin yang. After all, we’ve got to get those grades up before report card time. School play? You can bet it debuts in May. The end of the year also marks award season. Consider yourself lucky if you only have one child in school/preschool because you must attend each individual child’s award ceremony or else.
The same thing goes for those end-of-the-year parties. Better hope one of us seasoned vets already planned different days for different grade levels or else find a body double. No excuses though, you must be in two places at once because it’s not a party without you! Oh, and each celebratory bash requires a few planning meetings, not to mention the back and forth across town getting all the supplies. Speaking of celebrating… whose sick joke was it to place Mother’s Day smack dab in the middle of May? We are far too busy this month to brush our hair, let alone celebrate ourselves. Frankly, you can expect to skip meals and eat your children’s leftover snacks in your car. Also bring a change of clothes and baby wipes because ain’t nobody got time to shower in May.
May is jam packed with F-words, and I’m not talking about the four-letter kind (kudos for thinking like a mom in May, though). I’m talking about field days, field trips and forms. Don’t get me wrong, Field Day is fun — the kids finally get to play games, be outdoors all day and hang with their friends and you. But ladies, you gotta know what you are really getting into. Field Day is always the sunniest, sweatiest and smelliest day of the school year. Children are running around in the blazing sun like wild banshees, while parents turn a blind eye to those teachers hiding under the shade of the tents because you and I both know they’ve earned it due to dealing with our kids for an entire year. “We’ve got this” becomes our motto as we dart back and forth kicking up sand (a glorious part of living in our coastal city) as sweat pools in all the wrong areas. After all, it’s only a one-hour shift. Oh, no, did you fall for that line, too? Also, be prepared for a flood of forms and miscellaneous paperwork. Then again, you probably won’t get half of them because that take-home folder has either disappeared or they fell out because the Trapper Keeper doesn’t zip anymore. Didn’t know Trappers still existed? Get excited for third grade! I especially love the “How Are We Doing” obligatory district survey. As if we have the time or energy left in May to give you a piece of our mind anymore. Well played, administration. Well played.
Y’all these teachers are smart, too. Remember that first-day-of-school picture they snapped and lovingly put on the classroom wall? They don’t send that baby home until May — rock-solid proof that your child has made “growth and progress” this year. They never promised it would be academic.
Bottom line, May is wild. It’s over-programmed and chaotic. Our only saving grace is that all mothers are highly trained in the unexpected and multitasking. Your hair might be standing on end. You may look disheveled and smell like a middle-school boy. But when that final bell rings and summer is officially here, meet me on the beach where sand, sweat and sun are all welcome things and the wind blows, so no one will be able to smell you. After all, you earned it.
