The Dreaded ‘P’ Word

perimenopause“Did this chick just say to me what I think she said to me?”

The nerve. How rude. I feel attacked. And by “this chick,” I’m referring to my primary care physician when she brought up the topic of perimenopause last year.

“I’m certainly not experiencing any symptoms related to menopause.” “I’m not even old enough to be having this conversation with you. It’s not time.”

Oh, but it is time my friend, my inner gut whispering to me. I will be 46 in October. It’s happening. Ready or not, here it comes — but without the typical symptoms I expected. Or maybe I’m just crazy.

Once the shock and denial wore off that I was having this conversation with my doctor and acceptance kicked in that I am most certainly at this point in my life, I had questions. Lots of questions, and I didn’t know how to find answers.

The not-so-obvious signs that lead to the confusion

Temperature changes. No night sweats, but I’m hot and cold all night, every night. What does this mean?

I can’t sleep. I wake up at 3 a.m. for no reason ready to start my day, my mind racing as if someone literally flipped the ON switch to my brain. Is this just tired, overworked mom life?

Fumbling hands. Like with pregnancy, dropping everything I touch, and brain fog as I open the refrigerator door and ask myself why am I here? What did I need?

Sudden impending doom feeling. As if something bad is going to happen. I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Why do I feel like the sky is about to fall?

Anxiety. My goodness, the anxiety feels like my brain could explode from all the worry and impending doom feelings out of nowhere, and if you breathe wrong or blink too many times I might become enraged at your very existence suddenly, and I just can’t explain it!! I am not an angry or anxious person, but I swear I feel angry!! WHY?!

My suspicions

I had a hysterectomy last year, and one thing I learned from that experience is to NOT blow off symptoms that I am having because it will just lead to bigger things. In my case, it was removing my uterus due to large fibroids and luckily leaving the ovaries because I was only 44.

 Since I still have ovaries, I still produce hormones, I just don’t have a menstrual cycle due to no longer having a uterus. I have no gauge anymore to signal whether my body is changing in that respect. No more menstrual cycle means no more obvious indicator that things might be becoming irregular.

This year like every year, I went down to my primary care office to get my yearly physical and blood drawn, and now I’m even more confused.

What do these results mean? When comparing two specific hormone results from last year to this year, the numbers were significantly higher so I immediately called my friend Jacci who I have known since we were teenagers and happens to have experience in this field. Shameless plug here, she is the face behind Rising Waves Wellness, FNP-C, who works specifically with metabolic health and hormone management, and I’m lucky to have her as a friend who can make sense of this all for me.

She was the first one to tell me right after my hysterectomy to watch out for things, and she has never batted an eye at my questions when I feel silly for asking them. She is the best!

What my test results showed was that this category was a basic test and would always fluctuate (for now) since it’s related to my ovaries still working as they should. So, this really didn’t tell me anything specifically. Things like progesterone levels were not included in this blood test. Things I would not have even known were needed to be tested had it not been mentioned by my friend.

I am by no means a healthcare expert, but I do feel like we must be advocates for our own healthcare needs, which I learned the hard way, and we should have those conversations with friends and trusted experts. You know yourself, you know when something doesn’t feel right, so don’t let things go unexplored if you really feel strongly about something, dear tired mom.

Welcome to this side of the party (the midlife party)

I’m here to tell you though, hitting the 40-and-over club is not so bad at all. On this side of the fence, we do things like weight lifting and strength training because we know it reduces stress and will keep us strong into our 50s and 60s to offset osteoporosis. We realize that what we eat or drink directly impacts how we feel, and we realize that sunscreen is our best friend. Loud noises — just no.

Does getting older suck? Yeah, it kind of does. Random aches and pains out of nowhere, or my knees asking me why I continue to run on a weekly basis and torture them, things like that are really lame but it beats the alternative. Like it or not, it’s happening. All we can do is be the best version of ourselves in each decade that we are lucky enough to hit.

My point of sharing my story is that I feel as women, we often carry a sense of embarrassment around not knowing, not wanting to admit, or not having answers for our sudden change in feelings or the changes our bodies go through when we reach this stage in life. It adds to the confusion. Why am I feeling this way? Is this just normal with age? Admitting you are of perimenopausal or menopausal age would mean you are getting OLD. I’m not old, who you calling old??

These phases in life we go through — marriage, buying houses, having kids — somewhere in between the hustle and bustle of raising our children, these subtle changes start to creep in that we brush off as being a normal tired mom.

We educate ourselves as young ladies when we begin menstrual cycles, we deal with hormones during pregnancy, and then it seems like the conversation amongst ourselves about hormones just stops after that. Not everyone has a “Jacci” in their lives, so my hope is that we start having more conversations about this topic with trusted girlfriends, mom groups, and whoever else you feel comfortable discussing it with. That is the time that you might learn that others, too, are having the same weird symptoms and you aren’t crazy after all — and maybe it’s time to do a little more research for yourself.

I have a standing joke with another friend of mine when we’re upset about something or just griping about everyday life, we shout, “IT’S NOT THE HORMONES!”

It’s our silly way of making fun of the fact that even though we are in this stage of life, we know things are happening “behind the scenes,” but we’re also allowed to just be annoyed in the moment. I think oftentimes that might be an assumption of women that if they are upset or frustrated about something, that it’s hormonal. Insert eye roll and cue my annoyance at that, but it’s NOT FROM THE HORMONES.

The journey continues

Now, I knew my next step would have to be getting down to my gynecologist for more specific answers. Another shameless plug here, Beaches OBGYN was amazing for me with my hysterectomy, and I will most certainly be going back to them to get more details on this midlife journey of mine.

As a final reminder to myself and to other women during this season of their lives, aging gracefully is most certainly a thing that should be celebrated. Focus on yourself, and take time for yourself. Have conversations around hormones, symptoms, and feelings and the differences between them.

Maybe I’m projecting my own insecurities about perimenopause that I didn’t realize I even had, and maybe you are out there having these conversations, and I was not. Either way, let’s keep this topic at the forefront of our minds when we start second-guessing symptoms we start to notice. It will make you feel less crazy as you share stories, and remember it’s okay to shout, “IT’S NOT THE HORMONES!” if you feel like doing that, too. If anything, you’ll get a good laugh with a friend.

Hiliary King
Hiliary is a Jacksonville native who currently resides in Jacksonville Beach. Married, mom of two active boys. When she’s not at work she’s either at the local skate park with her boys or cheering them on from the bench at their local Brazilian jiu jitsu gym. Hiliary loves working out, skating with her husband and boys , surfing, roller blading, paddle boarding, coffee dates with friends, animals, nature, and basically anything outdoors! Look for her cruising around the beach in her golf cart or at the local skate park in Jax Beach cruising on her skateboard!

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