I find myself writing this post with more questions than answers.
Like most parents, there are a million things I’m constantly trying to protect my two young children from while attempting to allow them to continue to enjoy seeing the world through their rose-colored glasses. But there’s a fine balance between letting them enjoy their childhood innocence, and giving them enough information to protect themselves when I’m not around — without instilling fear. Everything from the importance of wearing a seatbelt, to saying no to drugs, to explaining the purpose of “Active Assailant/Shooter Training” at school, or even how to deal with potential bullying or racism in the world, it’s enough to make my head spin.
With my 9-year-old having received several recent sleepover invites, I’ve had another major subject to address, and you might guess what it is. Here’s the thing. Since birth, our boys have only stayed overnight with our parents, my brother, their God parents, and a few other family members who I can count on two fingers.
I’ve mostly been honest with him, explaining that I don’t know the child’s parents well enough and haven’t spent enough time with them in their space to trust that he’ll be safe. I admit that I’ve also unfairly tried to sway his interest in sleepovers at times by asking jokingly, “What if you wake up and there’s a crazy weird uncle sitting there staring at you?” or “What if they have a horrible bug infestation and you catch the ‘heebie-jeebies’?” Of course, we’ve taught them about their private body parts and inappropriate touching, but I also know how children can be caught off guard by people they think they should trust.
The first few times, I made excuses to the parents about him needing to stay at home because he had early-morning weekend activities. Another time, when he was invited to a “Backyard Campout” sleepover birthday party last month, I was honest and told the parent in advance that I simply didn’t know them well enough to allow him to sleep over. We agreed that he could attend the party, but I would pick him up late that evening. She was extremely sweet and understanding, letting me know that her son had only recently participated in his first real sleepover with a friend. Oddly, after hanging out awhile when I dropped him off and speaking to another mutual parent friend whose child was also attending, I started to feel more comfortable. So, when I received a text message from my son saying, “Can I please have my first sleepover tonight?,” minutes before I was on my way back to get him, I reconsidered. I don’t know if it was the revelation that we had several mutual friends who were letting their children stay, or the fact that all the kids were around the same age (and there weren’t any older teenage siblings hanging around), or that the kids were sleeping in a 10-person tent outside (for some reason it made me feel more comfortable). I can’t put my finger on it — it was just a feeling.
I have tons of wonderful memories of childhood sleepovers, so why is it such a big deal for me now, when it comes to my own children? I’m not quite sure. All I know is that my need to keep them safe supersedes any desire for them to have fun with friends. Now that I’m an adult, I’m also more aware — and the stories on the news don’t help. I was thankfully never abused as a child, but it’s ONLY by the grace of God and the power that my parents instilled in me that allowed me to get myself out of a few situations with neighborhood adults that could have ended horribly.
So when is it ok to allow a sleepover? Two playdates? Ten playdates? After a background check has been done on both parents — LOL? When do we really know someone?
Two weeks after the birthday campout party, my son was invited back for a one-on-one sleepover. I still wasn’t okay. So instead, I invited his friend to sleep over at our house. I offered to pick the boys up after school and gave the option for one of the parents to drop the child off (and hang out for a little while to make sure everyone was comfortable), considering they’d never been to our home. I was surprised when his mother declined the offer to bring him, replying to my text that her son was fine with coming with us and that she’d pick him up the next morning. Honestly, her decision NOT to bring her child made me question her decision making and whether I should have even let my son sleep over at the party. I found myself thinking, “Who lets their child sleepover somewhere they’ve never been?” When she came to pick him up the next day, I casually mentioned that she must think I’m really overprotective for her to let her son stay without even having been to our home. She smiled and explained that 1) She was familiar with our neighborhood, 2) Her son has a GPS tracker watch, and she’d know if he left from within a certain area, and 3) She works in the child welfare industry and noted how protective I was with my children (which made her feel more comfortable).
Whether or not I agreed with her rationale, it gave me some relief to know that she had at least thought through the decision and had a barometer that made it okay for her son to stay. I learned that day that every parent is different and will have their own rules for allowing sleepovers. I’ve decided that, for now, the Fergusons will be hosting the sleepovers.
I’m still figuring out this whole sleepover thing, but these are some things I plan to do moving forward to try to keep my boys safe:
1. Continue to build trust with my children so they know (even when they make mistakes) that they can come to us and not be judged. Like the time my son (at 8 years old) asked me what “sexy” meant. He told me that his friend at school (with an older sibling) told him that sexy meant when a man and a woman get naked and the man puts his “wee wee” in her “bottom.” Yikes! I don’t have time here to explain the rest of our conversation. I’ll just say I was glad he came to me.
2. Go with my gut. I’ve learned that there’s nothing more powerful than my inner voice. I’ll continue to listen to it and let it be my guide.
3. Create a safety “code.” A friend of mine uses this with her children. If they ever feel uncomfortable somewhere for ANY reason, they know to text her a code number (but this can also be a spoken code word). Luckily, they’ve never had to use it, but if she ever receives the code, she asks no questions and knows to magically show up at the location with a “family emergency.” This also teaches children to trust their gut.
4. Work harder to build and nurture a trusted village. I’m convinced this is what made it work so well for my family growing up. My parents did an amazing job of creating a beautiful community of supportive friends and family we could trust.
How do you decide who with and when it’s okay for a sleepover?
