When someone tells me they are having a boy I smile inside. I had always, always wanted all girls, and our second was a boy. I had no idea what I was in for. My girls are beautiful, wonderful, smart, amazing creatures. I look at them and wonder how I grew them. I love them without question. But neither of them, from infanthood, needed me so desperately as my boys always did and do.
My boys are snugglers. From day one they wanted nothing but their mama. Eventually they were fine with my husband as well, but they needed me. I was like a fountain with some magic soda they needed to fill themselves of frequently. Even as my oldest boy grows, he still seeks me out. With his dad he’ll play baseball and soccer, kickball and watch football. He wants his dad to coach his games and play with him outside and talk sports stats with him. But at night, still, my eight-year-old will curl up next to me and only want his mama to read with him. Some nights he’ll tuck himself under my arm and fall asleep on me like he’s still a toddler.
My girls have never done this. We do fun things together, get our nails painted, play games and dolls, do art projects, make candles, go running together. My husband and I treat our children the same and love them all the same. But it has been interesting to me the bond I have with my boys and how it is so different from what I have with my girls. Maybe it’s the individual personality of the child and me. Maybe it’s the dynamic of having two boys and two girls in one family. Maybe it’s just a special bond between boys and their mamas.
I look at my boys and smooth their cheeks and push down their crazy hair. At night if they have a bad dream it’s to me they come, padding down the hall, “Mama, I’m scared.” It’s with me they cuddle. I find peace when they curl up next to me and relax into sleep again, knowing they’re feeling safe again. They are my heart.
As they grow, I know I won’t be the only love in their life. (Even right now, they both love baseball and their mama, in that order.) One day someone else will come along whom they’ll love as much, but need more than they need me. That’s okay. It should be that way. I know my heart will ache for my little boys when they leave me. I’ll hold them so closely until then.
