Let’s talk about something every parent faces at some point: trying to convince your tween or teen to actually join something at school. Anything.
If your house sounds like:
“You should try out for that club.”
“Nah.”
“What about basketball?”
“I don’t feel like it.”
Then welcome to the club. You’re not alone.
The truth is, tweens and teens are figuring out who they are and that comes with a mix of confidence, insecurities, and a whole lot of “I’d rather not.” But school activities aren’t just another line on a college app. They’re where our kids find their people, build soft skills, and learn how to show up for themselves. And sometimes, it just takes a little strategy (and patience) to help them get there.
Here’s how I’ve learned to make it happen, one eye roll at a time.
Let them lead with interest.
Here’s a hard truth: Sometimes we parents push activities that we think sound impressive, but they don’t light our kids up at all. Before you suggest anything, ask questions like:
“What’s something you’d do even if it wasn’t for school?”
“If you start your own club, what would it be?”
“What’s one thing you’d like to get better at this year?”
Whether it’s art, coding, cooking, or anime, it helps them find something that connects to what already excites them. Once they feel ownership over the choice, they’re way more likely to stay involved.
Make It Meaningful
Tweens and teens want to know why something matters. Instead of saying, “It’ll look good on college apps,” try connecting activities to their goals or personality.
If your child is a natural leader, maybe they’ll love helping plan school events. If they’re shy, maybe behind-the-scenes work — like yearbook, media, or set design — lets them contribute without the spotlight. Helping them connect the dots turns participating into something purposeful, not just another thing mom said to do.
The “Try It Once” Rule
New things can feel risky, especially at this age when the fear of “looking awkward” is real. Create a family rule: Try it once.
No pressure to commit forever, just one meeting, one practice, one event. Sometimes that’s all it takes for them to realize, “Okay, this isn’t so bad.” And if they hate it? Cool. They still learned something about what they don’t enjoy, and that’s just as valuable.
Real Talk: When My Daughter Said “No”
When my daughter was invited to join a leadership club at school, she was not interested. The interview process made her anxious, and the idea of staying after school felt like too much.
But I knew her, and I knew she loved what the club actually did, like gardening, self-defense classes, and community projects. So, I encouraged her to try it at least once. She ended up joining and absolutely loves it.
But there’s the flip side: Last year, she joined the robotics team; she gave it a fair shot, finished her commitment for the year, and then decided it wasn’t for her. And that was fine with me. Because that’s the balance. We teach them to follow through on what they start, but we also give them the freedom to walk away from what doesn’t fit once their commitment is complete.
Normalize the Nerves
Remember that middle school and high school are social midfields. Waking into a new club or trying out for something can feel like standing center stage with a spotlight on you and everyone’s watching.
Let them know that being nervous is normal. Share a similar experience you yourself had that made you feel the exact same way. When they realize nerves are just a part of the process and not a sign to quit, they start building courage that’ll stick with them long after school.
READ: Middle Schoolers: Ignore Them, Push Them, and Let Them Suffer
Squad Up
Let’s be honest, most teens aren’t signing up for things alone. Encourage them to bring a friend along or ask who else might be joining. Having a familiar face in the room can make all the difference.
And if their bestie isn’t interested, remind them that it’s a great way to meet new friends who share their interests. That’s how real connections happen outside of group chats and DMs.
Recently, my oldest daughter wanted to join a new club and asked one of her friends to go with her. Her friend wasn’t really interested and didn’t stick with it, but my daughter ended up loving it. Having that friend by her side for the first meeting gave her the confidence to show up, and now she goes on her own and has made new friends within the club.
Show Up and Support
Your presence matters more than they’ll admit. When you show up to that first game, play, or club showcase, you’re showing them that what they’re doing matters. Even if it’s a five-minute appearance between errands, your face in the crowd says, “I see you. I’m proud of you.”
And if they’re trying something new? That support gives them the confidence to keep showing up, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Keep It Chill
Not every kid wants to be class president, a starter on the team, or lead singer in the choir. And that’s okay.
The goal isn’t to fill their schedule with activities, it’s to help them find joy and community in something that feels authentic to them.
Sometimes “involvement” looks like volunteering for a few hours, joining a small after-school club, or showing up to cheer friends on. It all counts.
Getting your tween or teen involved isn’t about pushing or perfecting, it’s about planting seeds. You’re helping them build confidence, connection, and curiosity. And when they finally find something that lights them up, you’ll see it. Their whole posture changes. Their spark comes back.
So, keep nudging gently, keep showing up, and keep celebrating the little moments. You never know what small “yes” might grow into something amazing.
