“What do you mean you went through my cell phone while I was at school,” my son questioned as I began discussing my findings.
“You left it on the counter, and I remembered it was time for me to do my random snooping,” I replied.
“That’s a thing?”
“Oh, it’s very much a thing.”
As a mom of two middle schoolers, I’ve become well versed in the art of snooping. Some of you might be reading this thinking I’m invading their privacy or imposing on their rights. I say they can have their rights and privacy when they’ve moved out and have jobs. As of now, my husband and I pay for a roof over their head and all of their things including that phone I snoop on every chance I get. I’ve told them on more than one occasion when they get uppity about “their stuff” – You don’t own anything. It’s all mine, and I’m generous enough to let you borrow it.
My 13-year-old daughter is already familiar with this routine. I tell her to hand over her phone for a random compliance check. She proceeds to stare at me with a look of I dare you to find anything. I stare back knowing that there’s probably one thing I won’t catch because she’s crafty, that one. I also take solace in hoping that her knowing I’ll perform a random check at any time keeps that one thing from being too egregious.
Yes, we have all of the safeguards in place such as passcode protected settings requiring videos, apps, and content to be age appropriate. We also have software that alerts us if potentially inappropriate websites are attempted to be accessed, but I am here to tell you that nothing is 100%. For me, the random checks I perform are about instilling some good old fashioned mom fear. It makes them think to themselves, “is this worth getting caught over?” I’m banking on the answer to that question being no in most cases.
What am I looking for that those safeguards might not catch?
Search History – This tells me a lot about what they’re interested in these days. It’s usually just riddled with video game cheat codes, and although I find that to be a lame way to play a video game, who am I to judge? I’ve read a few Cliff notes in my day, and I’m still employed.
Instagram – I search the people my daughter follows and the ones who follow her and proceed to block the ones who look suspicious or spammy. As for the people she follows, my rules are simple – Be appropriate. I’m talking to you shirtless boys. You get a few of these mirror selfies but anything more than 10% of your total photos and you get unfollowed. This is for obvious reasons, but I also feel it’s my obligation to teach the youth of America that this ratio applies to everyone unless your last name is Hemsworth.
Text Conversation History – I want to know what they’re saying and who they’re saying it to. I’ve noticed my daughter only has two conversations she leaves undeleted – ones with me and those with her father. I’m currently seeking a way around her previously mentioned craftiness in this situation. My son has no issues with me reading what he’s saying to his friends and leaves them there in all their glory. Let’s just say that 6th grade boys are simple people.
YouTube – Don’t underestimate this site. I look for previously viewed videos and the recommendations they have based on videos they’ve watched before. I also take this opportunity to remind my children that the Internet is forever as I recently discovered my son’s rapping debut. Yes, son, I know you’ve seen your mother’s video singing Evanescence during live band karaoke on a recent cruise. A – no one should be judged by choices made in International waters. B – Remember the whole do as I say, not as I do speech? It was made for this moment.
Back to my inaugural snoopathon on my son’s phone. My only discoveries were that he really likes tacos and has taken a special interest in finding the middle finger emoji. After discussing with him why he’s never allowed to use that emoji and the consequences that come with it, I secretly let out a sigh of relief. If the worst thing I find is the middle finger, I’m calling that a win. After all, it could’ve been boobs, and that my friends is called parenting perspective.
Look into phonesheriff. It should let you see what they delete.
I had no idea this existed! What a funny name, but I’m guessing ti gets used a lot these day.
I have a cousin who’s kids messages sent and received go to her phone as well and she can also reply to those messages if she feels necessary. So nothing is hidden in her house and I feel the same way when my kids are old enough! It is our job to protect them and to raise them right!
Hi! My son’s messages started coming to my phone by accident, and it’s funny b/c he could care less about that. Mostly I think because there’s nothing exciting going on – LOL
You’re teaching your children that nothing is or will ever be theirs or private. They will never trust anyone as a result. You want your kids to tell you the truth and share their interests, stop snooping on them to find ways to discipline them and make them know you’re there for them through everything and anything. -a snooped on kid who has grown up and can’t trust anyone ever.
Hi! I was just commenting on a similar response to this on Facebook. I think there is a balance, and as I mentioned on the other comment, I have shifted and changed my parenting style since this first posted as everything related to parenting teens seems to shift on a dime. As I’ve had conversations with my kids and began to understand their decision-making I’ve also loosened my stance. I am learning that it is about give and take, and honestly, just praying I get it right more than I get it wrong! Thanks so much for your feedback as I always love to hear the perspective of others!
I totally agree with KTee. I grew up with a Dad who was very understanding: I could talk to him about anything. I kept everything hidden rom my mother, including when I started menstruating. If you do not trust your kids to have learned intelligent responsible behavior, they will always hide from you. You are not trusted and our friends call you Mommy Dearest.
I have come here to find out ways I can stop this unhealthy behaviour but i see you’re promoting it and I’m horrified. Imagine you keep doing this when your kids are adults. Kids need a safe space and a trusting environment to grow. Adults just outright need their privacy. If you end up having to be taken taken care of when you’re old, they’ll never trust you.
please do not do this, kids need their privacy, the more you do this to your kids the less they love and trust you, they will move out as soon as possible then will cut all ties with you and your family, don’t do this.