Decision Fatigue: Choices, Choices, Choices… OH, MY!

By the end of every night, I find myself sitting on the couch in my living room paralyzed by what to do next. Throughout the day, from the time my eyes open, the number of tabs that are open in my brain increases by, what feels like, the minute. What’s for breakfast? What to wear? Who has to be where at what time? What to pack for the kids’ lunches (seriously, what the heck am I supposed to pack)? What prep do I need to do for work meetings? Is today picture day? What homework is due (for the kids and for myself)? The list could seriously go on and on.

And the reality is that each of our lists looks different based on our circumstances, but the premise remains the same: The decisions are endless, and for most of us, as mothers, we are also the default parent. Which means that if the kids need something, if their teacher(s) have questions, or if our kids are sick, we’re the ones receiving the phone calls, the emails, and the messages in the various apps that are used for communicating. Our brains are constantly running at full speed trying to optimize our efficiency and check off the countless boxes that everyone adds to our to-do list. What we don’t realize is that with each level of increased efficiency, we risk levels of effectiveness. This is a phenomenon that researchers refer to as “decision fatigue.”

The fatigue that accompanies making constant decisions throughout our days can be not only overwhelming but also cause our brains to freeze and our thoughts to spiral and be the catalyst of full-blown anxiety attacks. For me, the impact of decision fatigue looks like the inability to take my kids’ questions for what they are. When our kids (especially younger kids) ask us a question, they’re usually asking because they need us to provide them with one of the following things:

• a sense of predictability in a moment where they don’t know what is next
• a feeling of safety in a moment where they’re battling a feeling of insecurity
• a reminder of connection in an otherwise disconnected moment

To me, at the end of a day where I’ve already made countless decisions, a question that requires me to make yet another decision feels a lot less like my kids expressing a need and a lot more like a threat to my inner sense of stability and sanity. Something that should signal to my brain “your child needs you” instead interrupts the tornado of thoughts swirling in my head and signals “overload.” If you feel like you’re reading this and saying to yourself “OMG, yes!” over and over again, you are in the right place, mama. Keep reading.

Decision fatigue is something that plagues all of us as humans, especially as the number of decisions we make daily increases alongside the advancement of technology, additions to how many social media platforms we have, and the growing inability for us to exist in one role at a time. For us moms, the decision fatigue levels are even more drastic. Because we’re not only a mother, we’re also a friend, a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, an aunt, an employee, a business owner, a house cleaner, a board member, a writer, etc. and outside of our roles that are relational to other people, we’re also an entire human of our own… with our own desires, thoughts, concerns, needs, priorities, plans, dreams, etc. Before we became a mother, we were ourselves, and despite how much the world may try to deny it, after becoming a mother, our inner individual self remains. And if only one thing sticks with you from this article, I hope it’s the statement below.

You are a mother… and you are also so much more than that. You are also you. and you are not crazy or wrong for wanting to be acknowledged and seen as the latter rather than solely the former. 

The need to make choices for ourselves, our children, pets, colleagues, partners, futures, etc. doesn’t end, but there are things we can do to ease the burden. I know you’re probably contemplating decisions about a million things as you’re reading this article (the irony, right?) so here are some quick tips that may help:

1. Plan ahead. Schedule time to plan ahead. Seriously, put it on the calendar. Set time aside once a month to review priorities, events, needs, birthday parties, etc. for that month and put them in a format that works for you. Plan what you need for each priority. I personally do a weekly planning session on Saturday mornings. In a shared note, I list everything out for the week — who is doing drop off, pickup, the kids’ events, any appointments (parents or kids or pets), dinner for each night, any other things (picture day, tests, homework dates, etc.).When these decisions are planned out ahead of the approaching week, I feel like I have my outline for the week and can use it to guide me in any other decisions that come up.

2. Pick and choose your battles (based on your priorities). I used to feel the need to pick my kids’ outfits out for school and then I realized that fighting with my son over whether or not his shorts and shirt match was a waste of my mental energy and damaging to our mornings together. He picks out his clothes now… even on picture day (yikes). It’s one less thing to have in my brain.

3. Create a shared to-do list for you, your partner/co-parent, and kids. Each person has tasks delegated to them for the week. It’s created with the weekly planning list. Once something is delegated to one person, try really hard to let it live with them and only them. Out of mind — the ball is no longer in your court.

4. Say no. To your kids, your partner/co-parent, your colleagues, your boss, your parents, friends, etc. Establish your priorities (maybe even establish ones for each role you play) and then feel empowered to say no to things that detract or distract from those priorities.

5. Brain dump. I keep a journal with me at all times for this purpose. Because the decisions mount up and feel like the storm surge of a hurricane — drowning my ability to think critically, move on from whatever is in front of me, or function at full capacity. Brian dumping the massive list that is in my brain onto paper feels so freeing. There’s a connection to taking things out of the canals of our brains and putting them into lists that exist outside of our bodies. In moments when I’m feeling that paralysis creep in, I grab paper and a pen, and I write everything out that’s in there. Sometimes, I then pick the most urgent and important and circle them as a way to help guide my mental energy. But other times, like if I wake up at 3 a.m. or am walking into a meeting, I just get it all out and leave it alone.

6. Schedule time to do nothing but be yourself. Self-care is such a buzzword in our current culture, and it’s far too often over-glamorized. Self-care is so much more than the spa days, the formal appointments, etc. It’s also the time listening to whatever you want on the radio, reading something for fun, sleeping, and spending time physically away from the drivers of the many decisions you make (your kids, pets, house, partner, job, etc.).