I have had a couple of very humbling periods in my life. The latest is motherhood. As the end of 2017 neared, I reflected on the year and pondered how my thoughts of motherhood and the actual reality of it were at times so perfect and at others so misaligned. What I concluded is that my vision of motherhood had been shaped by the “highlight reel” I’d constructed in my mind.
Since my 20s, I had been subconsciously collecting images from pop culture, experiences I had with family members, observations of the experiences of others, as well as my own lofty ideals of the type of mother I would be. I had cut, paste, and added a Disney soundtrack to the movie that exemplified what my experience with motherhood would look like. I believed that because I was married, we’d planned our children, and I had a vision for my life, that motherhood was going to be all cuddles and cupcakes. While I’m immensely blessed and ecstatic to be the mother of my two very energetic, curly-haired, brown-skinned boys, I’ve had to reconstruct my image of motherhood and of myself. And the new version is much more grounded in reality.
Through this reflective process, I realized just how smug I’d been before the birth of our second son. I’m ashamed by how many unspoken and spoken judgments I made about other mothers and families. I’m also embarrassed at how simultaneously naïve and arrogant I was to think my experience would be a breeze. My experience as a mother of two has made me realize this: We are all trying to make it, and “making it” looks different for everybody.
Just because my family and I do things a certain way and it works for us, doesn’t mean that families who don’t do things this way are wrong, inept, or inferior. Essentially, there’s no one way to eat a Reese’s. I am making a conscious effort to remember this because whichever way you slice it, motherhood is both incredibly amazing and incredibly hard, and there’s no handbook to tell us exactly what to do. I have felt the weight of being gawked at in public because of my screaming children, and I have tensed in reaction to judgmental comments about decisions I have made regarding my own. It doesn’t feel good, and I don’t want to make others feel this way either. We’re all human, so it’s impossible to not make judgments. However, I’m doing my best to remember that we are all in a similar situation, and as I want people to extend grace to me, I need to extend it to others.
Another part of this reality is acknowledging that I enjoy being a multifaceted person and that doesn’t make me any less of a mother. Considering my own relationship with my mother, it wasn’t until I became a mom myself that I realized on a deeper level that she existed as a person separate from me. As her only child and because she was single, a huge part of her life was me. I’d always introduce her to people as “My Mama,” as if that were her name. Now, I introduce her to people as my mother Sherry, because I realize that she has always been so many other things in addition to being my mother. With the help of my husband, I’m making a conscious effort to carve out a bit of me time because I need it to be my best self for my guys. Sometimes all we can manage is for me to have a few moments alone in a quiet part of the house, but that helps. I had to be real with my husband and myself about my needs, and thankfully, he gets it and supports me.
On my wall is a brief note I wrote to myself a few months after our second son was born. It reads:
Focus on today.
Stay in your lane.
Pray.
Ask for wisdom and guidance.
Trust God.
This is a reminder for me to stay balanced and to be real about where I am.
How do you keep it real with yourself and your family?
