In 2024, my husband and I went through a trial separation. I didn’t want to go through it, but logically speaking, we felt it was the only way to save our marriage. To this day, I believe that it was! There were a lot of outside opinions — and even disappointment from family members. No one actually wants to go through these things, but hey, that is life. So, as Rodney Atkins says, “If you’re going through hell, keep on moving. Face that fire. Walk right through it.”
Here are five things I’ve learned from my separation:
1. Growing together doesn’t mean you need to grow into one another. As we age, our interests shift, our needs change. Finding something that interests you — and just you — is okay. You don’t need to have everyone in the family running a marathon if you are the only one who enjoys it. You don’t need to subject yourself to video games if that isn’t your thing. Find your own interests and hobbies that you can do on your own. They do not need to be intertwined with your partner’s.
2. Resilience is a title earned from lessons learned. When someone goes through a separation or a divorce they didn’t want, it is easy to get lost in the fog. In that fog, some lessons are learned. You may realize what you do and don’t want in a partner or what you need to work on with yourself. Various emotions arise, as well as a lot of uncertainty about what is to come. It is important to know that there is light at the end of the long tunnel, regardless of reconciliation or not. The lessons you learn through this will give you a title you may never hope to be called again: resilient.
3. It is okay to be sad. Losing your life as you know it is soul-crushing. Some people don’t consider this, but not only are you losing your life partner, but you’re also losing at least 50% of the time with your children. If you’re a stay-at-home mom, you will likely have to return to work to pay bills. You may be responsible for the upkeep of your yard or the dishes. Sure, you have less laundry to wash, but it is okay if you cry over a sock he left behind.
4. Don’t look for blame. It takes two to tango. It takes two to make a marriage. It also takes two to make a marriage fail. I know what you’re thinking: infidelity, assholery, and just the weight of life, can all take their toll on a marriage. Instead of pointing the finger at your partner, his mother, or yourself, please know that it isn’t all one person’s fault. Daily life is made of tiny moments that hold meaning and significance to each of us. Love is the same way. Marriage is, too. Would it really be that hard to believe that the decline of a marriage is as well?
5. Prepare to ask for forgiveness, and prepare to forgive. No matter what the reason for your separation or divorce, always seek forgiveness. Whether you are asking for it or bestowing it, forgiveness is a step to help you move forward. Of course, I had to ask for my husband’s forgiveness for my wrongs during our marriage, but I also had to forgive him for his. I had to find some way to forgive myself for not investing in myself. I didn’t have to ask for forgiveness, and I didn’t have to forgive. In forgiveness, I found peace and a step toward a better future for myself and our family.
* Therapy is never a bad idea either.
