Dear Husbands: Mother’s Day is Not About Your Mom

Dear Husbands,

It’s not much of a surprise that relationships between married women and their mothers-in-law can be… well, complicated. And perhaps the holiday that encompasses that the most is Mother’s Day. And guys, we know: You’re really, really caught in the middle. Your mother expects you to do something for her. Your wife wants to feel special, too. And you probably just want to make everyone happy. But here’s something, from all of us wives out there, that you really, really need to know: Guys, Mother’s Day is not about your mom. Not anymore, anyway.

We get it, you spent your entire life doing something special for her on Mother’s Day. You love her. You’re grateful for the sacrifices she made for you. These are all good things. But now you’re married, and your wife has given you children of your own. That means your focus, your priority, needs to shift from your mother, to the mother of your children. She takes precedence now. (Sorry, mothers-in-law.)

Right now, your wife is in the trenches. She’s going through the most difficult part of motherhood. She’s dealing with tons of stress and frustration every single day, whether it be crying babies and dirty diapers, toddler temper tantrums and potty training, or insane loads of homework, bullies, and adolescence. Being a mom means being selfless, pretty much every moment of every day. She’s always worrying about someone else, fixing everyone else’s problems, and rarely takes time for herself. Guys, your mom did all of this, too — but those days, for her, are over. So on Mother’s Day, you need to make the day special for your wife first and foremost.

Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean forget your mom altogether. By all means, send your mom flowers. Get her a lovely gift. But ask your wife what she wants to do on Mother’s Day first, and if the answer is not “go to my mother-in-law’s house,” then don’t drag everyone to go see your mother. After all, it’s not Grandparent’s Day (and yes, that’s a real day, guys). There are other days you can devote to showering your mom with attention and gifts and pampering. On Mother’s Day, you need to focus on the woman who is currently in the throes of motherhood.

Let’s say that you really want to spend time with your mom on Mother’s Day — well, have no fear, because there are still ways to make this a win-win situation. There are a couple of options here: First, you can see your mom the Saturday before Mother’s Day. The second, and likely better, option? Pack up your kids, and take them to your mom’s house… without your wife. Plan a special day for her that she can have all to herself — a nice brunch, a mini shopping spree, the chance to see that movie she’s been wanting to see, a day at a spa, or heck, even just the ability to enjoy her empty house where she can read and nap without getting interrupted a million times by tiny people who always need something. Moms rarely get time alone, and this can give her the opportunity to get a much-needed break for rest and relaxation, while you still get to spend time with your mom.

Of course, there might be the chance that your wife says she wants to spend the day together, as a family — no mother-in-law’s house. And in that case, then sorry, guys, but you’re going to have to cut the apron strings and put your wife first. She should be the main woman in your life now. You should be treating her like that every day, but especially on Mother’s Day.

One last note: Us moms, we’re not saying you shouldn’t do anything for your mom on Mother’s Day. Again, get a gift for her! Do something special for her. But just remember who the main mom in your life is now. And for the love of all that is holy, do not make your wife responsible for your mom’s Mother’s Day. Your wife should not be worrying about making sure your mom has a fantastic Mother’s Day while her special day is all but forgotten. Your wife doesn’t need to be picking out your mom’s gift or planning a visit to her house or arranging a Mother’s Day brunch for your mother. You need to take on the responsibility of doing something nice for your mom, but especially something nice for your wife. It’s a lot, we know. But trust us, feeling special and loved and valued, and being put first for one day out of the year… it goes a long way for us moms, especially as we’re battling the everyday stresses of motherhood. We’re not saying not to remember your mom; we’re just saying, don’t forget us, either. Because, sorry guys, but a day dedicated to making your mom feel honored doesn’t make us feel that great. So for today, put us first.

Love,
Wives and Moms Everywhere

Cassy Fiano-Chesser
Cassy Fiano-Chesser is a Jacksonville native and mom to six kids. Her husband is a Marine Corps veteran and Purple Heart recipient. She works from home as a blogger and a freelance writer, and they currently live in the Argyle area of Jacksonville. Benjamin is their oldest, born in 2011, and he loves being a big brother. Wyatt was born in 2012, and he has Down syndrome. Ivy came next, in 2013, followed by Clara, born in 2015, who is a diva-with-a-capital-D. Rounding out the brood is Felicity, born in 2017, and Lilly, born in 2007. They love discovering things to do on the First Coast and going on family adventures, as well as cheering on the Jumbo Shrimp and the Icemen.

99 COMMENTS

  1. Great article! And true! But what about the mom’s mom? That’s where we run into the issue. My mother-in-law is really laid back and understands, but MY mom on the other hand…well she seems a little reluctant to give up the Mother’s Day spotlight. They will always be our moms, and very special, but I’ve been waiting a loooong time to get to celebrate this holiday as a mom and it’s going to be all about me me me on Sunday, lol.

    • Well, thankfully, my mom is pretty laid back, but IMO, whether it’s your mom or the MIL, it’s a boundary issue. If it were me, I’d send my mom some flowers or a nice gift with a card and leave it at that. If she started blowing my phone up, I’d turn it off. 😉 Gotta draw the line somewhere!

    • I would wife and hubs go buy gifts on the Saturday before and take them to each mom. Half and half the day with them and then Sunday is all about the MOM.

  2. I completely disagree. I am not my husband’s mother. I have 4 children that will honor me on Mother’s Day. I expect my husband to honor his mother. I wish my Mom was still here so I could honor her. Honor your own mother and let your kids honor you. There are enough hours in the day to do both. But you cannot imagine what it means to an older mother of 4 like me ,who is now a grandmother, to have my kids honor me. To me, Mothers Day is more important than my birthday because being a mother defines me.

    • I completely agree that husbands shouldn’t forget their moms altogether — that’s why I repeatedly said they should do something special for her. 😉 And while it may be nice to have kids old enough to make your Mother’s Day special, for a lot of us, our kids are too young to do that, so it necessarily falls on our husbands to pick up the slack. It can feel pretty awful to have a husband move heaven and earth to make Mother’s Day special for his mom, while doing nothing for his wife, who is also a mother, especially when his wife is supposed to be the #1 woman in his life.

    • When your young children grow up. They will make it special for you. Mother’s Day is about YOUR mom. Not you. And for your husband it’s HIS mom that should be celebrated and honored. Wait your turn and stop being selfish. Send flowers? Set boundaries? Turn your phone off? What a nightmare!!! That’s the woman who sacrificed day after day, year after year for you. 🤦🏻‍♀️

      • It falls on the man if the children are too young to celebrate the mom on their own. To me that means he has a responsibility to his mother AND his wife. She never said to ignore his mom. But as a mom myself, if I’ve raised my son well enough, I expect him to make sure when he has young children that his wife is well loved and appreciate on mother’s day even before myself. That’s the type of son I want to raise.

  3. What happens if their mom doesn’t have a husband?
    Who is going to celebrate them? Who is going to take them out to dinner or do something special for them?

    • I did repeatedly emphasize that husbands shouldn’t ignore their mothers; I said they should absolutely take them out, buy them gifts, etc.; but just that they should make their wives the number one priority.

      • Lol I think some people just can’t read or comprehend what they’ve read. Great article!!! I completely agree and am so thankful my husband puts me first!

      • I did read and comprehend your article. I know you said not to forget about their mother, but your title and most of your article says it isn’t about their mother. A little contradictory right?

        Also, what about my mom? My dad isn’t married to her… What about her? Should I not celebrate her because I am a mother? Should I not celebrate father’s day for my dad as much I would celebrate my husband?
        Also, I am divorced from my children’s father and re-married. I don’t expect him to celebrate me being a mom. I know he will, but I would be extremely dissapointed if he did not celebrate his mom as much as I am being celebrated.

    • Amen. I see women every day say “I’m not his mother, why would I do that for him”. Yet they want to be #1 all the time. My MiL birthed and raised 8 kids. She damn sure deserves respect and to be honored every day. If my husband put me above his mother on mother’s day we would have some words.

    • I think it’s narcissistic for my mil to think I should trek my kids an hour drive to spend the day at her house then cook and clean after everyone while she enjoys the cake she bought for herself. Then I sit in traffic for 2 hours to get home with 2 screaming kids. THATS narcissistic.

    • That’s right, he “Husband can honor his wife all year long” one day a year to honor his Mom “wow” my Daughter-in-law decided to make it a beach day. That’s great sure wish I was included on the beach day, but oh no just her and my Son and my Grand daughter’s. My oldest 26 year old grand daughter said I thought Nana was your Mom, We can take care of Mom, Dad…I quit being hurt, when my Husband did something, I got mad at him he Replied “you are not my Mother” BINGO THATS RIGHT I AM YOUR WIFE. MOTHER’S DAY IS FOR OUR MOTHER’S! You

    • That’s not what she said. I disagreed with her also when I only read the title. Then I actually read the article. Did you?

  4. Sooooo, you’re just going to make it up as you go along? OMG, I can’t stand my MIL, but I know this is wrong as all get out. It’s “Mother’s Day”, not “Mothers Day”. The possessive “s” made the word a proper noun because very few people call their mother by their first name. So truth be told, the spirit of the holiday actually says she takes priority over you because to him, she’s “Mother”.

  5. I disagree 100%.. It’s his mother!! You are his wife! Yes he should help the kids make your day amazing, but he should also make his moms day great too!! She raised a man that you loved and married! You will one day be upset when your kids wife says sorry but we can’t go see your mom on mothers day, cuz I’m the new mom in your life!! I am NOT my husbands mom I am his WIFE!

    • Did you read the whole thing? Because I did repeatedly say he needs to do something special for his mom, too. 😉

      • We all read your article. We all read our husbands should send their moms flowers and a call
        But so whatever wifey wants on mother’s day even not include his mother if that’s what she wants. I would never ask anyone not to be with their mother on mother’s day

  6. It’s just so sad. I would never make my man pick me over his mother. You have to have respect for people. I feel a lot of people will use this to justify keeping their husbands away from their mother on Mother’s Day just out of spite because they can.

  7. Did you people actually read the article all the way through? She repeatedly says to not forget your mother in law completely. For all you people talking about your own mom…insert mom everywhere it says mother in law, because frankly it is not that difficult. The author is just stating that Mother’s Day should not be all about your mother In law (or mom) and that it should not be filled with running 50 different directions to celebrate other people. Yes, we did not give birth to our husbands, but we did his children. For a lot of mothers, including myself, my kids are way to little to celebrate us. It does fall on our husbands and our husbands should celebrate us and be sure to make us feel appreciated. If you want to see your mother in law (mom) on Mother’s Day, that is great and wonderful. If you don’t, you shouldn’t feel obligated to go and your husband should respect that and be happy to celebrate you. He can still show his mother he loves her, without spending the day with her. Make sure your wife knows you appreciate her.

  8. It’s just an article people. If you don’t agree or if it doesn’t fit your Family dynamic then keep scrolling. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I’m pretty sure there are lots of wives out there that can relate and will find this article helpful. There is no need for people to get so defensive. It’s just an article!!

  9. My second husband has never failed to see that I had a gift, card, and usually a cake for Mother’s Day, even before we had children together. This is in stark contrast to my ex husband who could never be bothered even when our children were infants and could not do anything for me for Mother’s Day on their own. His response: You’re not MY mother.My Ex husband saved all his attention and energy for his own mother whose affection and attention he was still trying to win in the competition he had going with his only sibling. Fast forward 20 years. Few things change. My husband, the second one, and I have been through many lean years, yet the gifts for Mother’s Day have never stopped. Sometimes there was simply a bouquet of wildflowers and a very heartfelt letter because we had no money. Child support, is after all, quite an expense. And do you know what? These are among my most beloved gifts because they came right from the heart and were a symbol of all that we can accomplish when we work together. This is why I love my husband.

  10. Remember that when your kids are older and don’t see you on Mother’s Day… oh but send you a gift card 🙄. I don’t think 1 day out of the year is too much to ask when you gave 18years. I am a woman and can not imagine NOT seeing my mother and making her feel appreciated for all she has done for me. This is just crazy to me!

    • I agree, when your kids are gone you will want them to remember you. I make sure my husband remembers his mother and calls her. And I make sure we send her something. We live to far to always see her but she’s alone now, this article seems sarcastic, turn off my phone? No. My husband remembers me and the woman who gave him life and raised him.

  11. I think Mother’s Day is about honoring all mothers, not just your own, or your wife.

    There is no reason that it has to be all about the wife/dil. However I do think there needs to be a balance. I also think it also depends on the relationship.

    For example, my husband is not very close to his father. Does he feel the need to go all out for his dad on Father’s Day? No. He still gives him a call. My husband and I are both close to my dad, and we do treat him differently as we have a much closer relationship with him. I want to do nice things for him to honor him… But even so, my husband still comes first.

    I don’t expect Mother’s Day to be 100% about me. I do want to feel appreciated, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t room for my mil or my mom.

  12. Interesting perspective. And yes, I read the entire article.

    I feel like this letter is 100% meant for the author’s husband. Please print it and share it with him, please. 🙂 Mother’s Day in our family is a day for my Mother-in-Law AND I. My mother died before we were married so it is a privilege to join my husband and honor my MIL. I do pick out the gift from our family to her, but my husband and little ones take care of me in whatever manner I choose. Last year, I wanted to sleep and have some quiet time, it was wonderful!

    Wishing you all a Happy Mother’s Day!

    • LOL! It’s actually not, I promise. The inspiration was a conversation I had last week with a large group of moms who all felt left out because their husbands spent Mother’s Day going overboard for their own mothers, while ignoring them. So that’s where this post was born. It’s a complaint I’ve heard a lot from a lot of different moms.

  13. As both a “mom and wife” I disagree, and do take a little insult in your summing us all up in your signing this. Mother’s Day is for MOTHERS. ALL mothers. She’s not any less his mother now than she was 35 years ago. I order my MILs presents almost every year. Without grudge. Without resentment. Besides, if you really want to get technical, you are only “wife” to him. Your children are the only ones responsible for your glorious day. I wonder if you’re raising your children with this thought process……..

  14. You really shouldn’t say “all wives” because I certainly don’t feel this way AT ALL. I understand some may, but not ALL. Someday my children will go all out for me as their mother and those are the moments I’ll gladly wait for while I teach my children by showing them how my husband and I honor our mothers on Mother’s Day. After all, I wouldn’t even be married to my husband if it wasn’t for that wonderful woman raising him. She absolutely deserves a day to be glorified! Because in my house I’m honored every day by his “thank you’s” and good morning / good bye kisses. Maybe the women that feel this way need to discuss with their husbands why they feel so neglected they cannot give up one day for his mother?

  15. I ABSOLUTELY disagree. Where would I be today without my mother in law? And I don’t have the best relationship with my mother in law… But if it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have my husband.
    The ultimate selfishness in trying to get your husband to dote on you and do things the way you want them done and not allow him to think for himself and do what he feels he’d like to do.
    I completely agree the husband needs to help their children honor their mother on mother’s day. But mother’s day is mother’s day… Not pay complete attention to me me me day. Mother’s day is mother’s day… Not wife’s day. That’s why wife’s have birthdays.

    • “That why wife’s[sic] have birthdays.” But, so does MIL sooo..

      I don’t really have this problem. Although, I would have a problem if my MIL expected everything to be about her on Mother’s Day, I mean, I know a part of her wishes for that, but she would never verbalize it. Anyway, I am pretty laid back, for the most part, so I don’t mind if my husband goes to see his mom on Mothers Day with our daughter so I can have some peace and quiet. And I don’t mind picking out her gift and card if my husband drops the ball.

  16. I agree that a man’s wife, should be his first priority in all things. That being said, if I didn’t teach my kids to properly respect their mother, even into adulthood and marriage, then I would consider it a GREAT FAILURE on my part as a father. It is Mother’s Day, Not Wives Day. My properly raised children, will show respect to their mother. I respect my wife at all times, she understands this, even when I honor my own mother, because she honors her own mother and mother-in-law. She may not always agree with her MIL, but she knows that without her, she wouldn’t have me, nor our children. As my children marry and have children of there own, I would hope that they would teach this same respect to my grandchildren.

  17. I never comment on these things but I felt like I needed to.
    This is a wonderful article and I wish all husbands would read it. When you are a child and before you have children, your mother is the most important mother in your life…but once you have your own children then your spouse should have that spot. I am the most important mother in my husband’s life and he’s the most important father in mine.
    I don’t understand this new thing where suddenly grandmothers feel like the world revolves around them.
    It’s so sad and disappointing that every year I hear about husbands that are so worried about their mommies for Mother’s Day and then on Father’s Day their wives are worried about what to do for those same husbands. Gross.

    All the women complaining about this article need to take a reading comprehension class…

  18. We are gathering together on mothers day: my son, his wife and their baby; my step daughter, who is about to give birth; my husband and i –mom and a grandma now : my mom ( a mom, grandma and great grandam) and sister with her family to celebrate MOTHERS on this day–all of us as moms/aunties/daughters/new momma daughter in laws, step daughters, great aunties, grandmas, etc–, relying on each other, supporting each other, sharing in the gifts and beauty and challenges of motherhood and celebrating all these wonderful nurturing people in our lives, and honoring the women who love and support them/us all.

  19. Me! Me! Me! Our society is so self absorbed and entitled it’s disgusting. There is enough love to go around. Spouses should NEVER be told to pick one or the other. Grandmothers, mothers, great grandmothers…. all should be celebrated. I hope my children don’t marry someone so selfish. I hope family get togethers are a wonderful blessing, enjoyed by all. And I hope my kids think more of me than just a card. Its Mother’s day, not Wive’s day. And yes…. I read the article. The entire thing is selfish with the exceptional “don’t forget her, send a card or flowers” sprinkled in.

  20. I am a step-mom, my partner is mom, and my mother wants me to spend mothers day with her and my siblings. She doesn’t want my partner to come to the dinner. I fee badly because I do not want to leave my partner and my step-son alone on mother’s day. However, my mother and father think I am being unreasonable..what should I do?

  21. Great article, Cassie. I completely understand where you are coming from. I don’t understand why grandmothers should be the most important mothers over mothers who are actually in the throes of their work, My husband is the most important father in my life, not my dad. In turn, I should be the most important mother in his life.

  22. Mother’s Day is for YOUR MAMA! the woman who pushed you out her hooha! (Or underwent surgery to get you safely into this world) it’s not called wife’s day. This is the most selfish ridiculousness I have read. I hope your still blogging when your kids are grown and decide Mother’s Day is not about you anymore. I’d love to hear it from the perspective of a mother who’s children don’t even think she is worthy of a single day to be recognized because now they have a family of their own.

  23. Had my first mothers day last year it was all about his mom I cried the whole day and this year my first mothers day with my new baby and guess what it’s about his mom again I told him I want to do something alone with him and my 2 kids but hestill mom keeps throwing it in his face it might be her last one…it might be mine we never know. I got a fist mothers day gifts from his sister it was a old ring she didn’t want anymore. My heart is broken…

  24. I completely agree. The only thing I need my hubby to understand is not to forget his mom. I’m usually the one planning her gift. I don’t mind because I love her, and I want to honor her for all she’s done for me and my kids as well as raising my wonderful husband. But sometimes I’d like his help in figuring it out.

  25. “Love, wives and moms everywhere?”

    Yeah, no.

    Asking your husband to treat you first over his mother on mother’s day after she spent months carrying him and painstaking hours and days delivering him and bringing him into this world, is selfish. Your husband should make you feel good all the time that when mothers day comes around, you should more than encourage him to honor his mom and yes, you should help get the presents because she is your mother in law and because of her, you have your husband.

    As a wife and a mother, I would never in a million years expect my husband to attend to me more or make me priority over his own mother on mother’s day or any day for that matter.

  26. I cannot recall ever leaving a comment on a blog. Until this one.

    I don’t think I’ve ever read a more selfish, self-centered blog post in all of my life. My husband treats me with love, tenderness, respect, kindness, etc…every single day of the year. Do you know why? Because his mother taught him to. Mother’s Day is about THE mom. Our mom. The mom who raised each of us. It is NOT my husband’s responsibility to make sure my day is perfect. My kids do that! I don’t need gifts, expensive treats, etc. If all I get from my (non-driving) child is a “happy Mother’s Day, I love you” and a hug, then my day is made.

    I cannot fathom a world in which your opinion is from “wives and moms everywhere”.

    Do you have a son? I do. I hope, beyond a million hopes, that the behavior that my husband is modeling for my son carries on when my son is grown. She is the matriarch of our family. She deserves the utmost respect, and I choose to honor her above myself. It’s called being a mom…putting others before yourself.

    I hope my husband enjoys tomorrow with his mom. She raised him. Respectfully, lovingly, tenderly…she helped to mold him into the man he is today. I couldn’t be more grateful, and that reason, I honor her, too.

    I don’t need a “day”. Everyday is my day, just because I have my kids and my family.

    • Yesterday my son stop talking to me, and it was about this very article,because you have my son 364 days a year,we,mom’s get one day.let me tell you one thing and then I’m finish,I am his mom for the rest of his life,you my dear may be his wife,but IF he was to piss you off you will not have sex with him,or not cook for him,spend his money to get back at him,,honey I will give up my life,or any organ for him,and you can’t share one day to celebrate me…we will be gone before you,so be patient and have some respect,I would like to ask your Mom is this the way she raised you..shameful,i hope your kids read what you read someday…..24

  27. This is ridiculous. My husband lost his mother, and I would never have forgiven myself if i was selfish enough to demand that I be his priority on Mother’s Day (making him miss out of Mother’s Day with his mom).

    Also, don’t forget your children will one day be grown and what you teach them is what they will do. So, I guess if you’re OK with your son and his children not spending Mother’s Day with you then by all means teach that to your children.

  28. This whole thing is bs! Mother’s Day meaning your mother! My husband takes me , my mother and my mother in law all out together ! This article is the most selfish thing I’ve ever seen . Honor your father and mother which is the first commandment with a promise, so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth” (Ephesians 6:1-3). Honoring parents is the only command in Scripture that promises long life as a reward. Those who honor their parents are blessed (Jeremiah 35:18-19).

    • All mom’s should matter.. Not just the husband’s mother. Especially if his mother’s a obsessive crazy person. And maybe you should read Gods priority list. It’s God first then your spouse. Husband should leave their mother and father to become one with his wife. That doesn’t mean forget your parents but it doesn’t mean forget your wife either who does everything for you. While his mother is just a super crazy person who plans her own parties for herself. Wants everyone to honor her but not her son to honor his wife. A good man will obey and honor both but never make his wife feel less then.

  29. Your husband should celebrate both of you. If you live close enough to be together, you shouldn’t refuse to go to your MIL’s house. You’re basically saying to give her a consolation prize, because you want the “real deal” to be all about you. I say this as someone who doesn’t have a great MIL, but I wouldn’t expect my husband to not celebrate her along with me. We’re both mothers. I don’t want my children to think that it’s okay to have a pecking order, in terms of appreciating family members.I have a feeling this writer will change her tune when she becomes a MIL.

  30. I think I’d like to hear back from you when your son is married and has children 😉I think age and time will change your focus on this a little bit.

  31. Completely disagree. It not your day. It’s your mother’s day and his mother’s day. Your kids will celebrate it for you. You are not your husband’x mother.

    Very selfish of you to write this article. I feel sorry for you and your mother.

  32. I see mostly women and moms replying here and not a lot of input from men… so I will as a man and a son offer my insight. The beautiful mother of my children sent this post to me this morning.

    First of all it is a celebration of all moms but I don’t think you can ever down play the importance or the power and role of any son or daughters personal relationship with their mom which under normal circumstances should never be tested as it’s unbreakable. But that doesn’t mean that your wife or mother of your children should not be loved and celebrated either. They are one and the same. It’s a sacred energy that has traveled thousands of years in a cyclical movement throughout time. ❤️ For all the moms 😘 but don’t ever down play mine…….

  33. Articles like these should be forwarded to unmarried men as a warning, and to married men as open warfare. Tyrannical, egotistical, controlling, undignified, manipulative, come to mind. Mind you, I can’t see the point of father’s day either and require no recognition.

  34. As spouse’s, we get wedding anniversaries, birthdays, date nights, all kinds of special occasions. So my husband cant have ONE single day to really honor his mother? Send a card…a gift…flowers… Why? Why not just go to spend a few hours with her. It would mean much more. Women are constantly saying of thier husbands, in not his mother, he can do it himself etc. But on mothers day expect to be honored as such. How selfish. Also, to constantly carry on about the tough hard times of motherhood, its getting old. Stop complaining. Be thankful. To say that we sacrifice as mothers, infers we have something more important to do.

  35. Its a day about mothers! Making your husband choose between his mom and you is not fair, and so selfish! let him celebrate both! YOU as a wife have to understand the sacrifices his mother made for him just like you want your kids and husband to celebrate you for your sacrifices you have made for them! People need to stop being so dang selfish! the #1 sacrifice she gave your husband is life and without that YOU wouldn’t have him as your husband.

    • So, my husband asked me what I wanted to do on Mother’s Day. I told him I wanted to stay home and have breakfast/brunch with him, the kids AND his mother and spend relaxed quality time together. (Just so you know, I have a serious digestive issue that my son also suffers from so avoiding long waits in line and eating at home is the most pleasant and comfortable for both of us)He said, great, that he’d tell her (his mother) and our kids that’s what we’re going to do. The day came, my husband went to pick up breakfast items from the store and to pick up his mom and bring her to our house but he soon called me and timidly asked, “Do you want to go to a buffet?” I said, “No. I want to do what we planned”. He said, ok and hung up. He called back a few minute later and said they were in front of a restaurant that didn’t have any lines. I was annoyed at this point, but also questioning whether my negative feelings over the sudden change in plans were just selfish, so I decided to go along and said, “Well, I won’t be ready to go anywhere for about a half an hour”, to which he said, “There’s no wait here so I can bring you back eggs benedict then, if you want”. I said, well, actually yelled, “No, I don’t want anything, I guess I’ll just wait for my older kids to get here (I still have a 14 year old at home) and spend time alone with them then.” So, that’s what I did – with no husband, no mil, and no breakfast/brunch. So, you tell me, who made my husband choose between his wife and mother and who being selfish and self-serving???

  36. I have four young son’s when they get married I will have them read this article. My expectations from my grown up son’s for mother’s day will be the same that my expectations are no for my young children. All I expect is plain and simple tell me that they love me. If it’s just a short phone call that is all that is necessary. Then I hope that my adult son’s will go and give their wives a day off of diaper changing, and cooking. My husband’s mother on the other hand expects a dinner. It creates a lot of stress every mother’s day. Not only is my husband trying to make it special for me, he’s going crazy trying to keep his mother happy too. Last mother’s day my mother in law asked him to smoke two different types of meat to bring to the mother’s day dinner. She basically assigns all of her son’s her favorite foods to bring to her. Then we have dinner with her. It’s nice for her, she loves the attention, but I’m really low key and am more of a quiet introverted person. I’d prefer to relax at home. But it’s always spent cooking for his mom all day, and then spending the whole afternoon and evening with his enormous family which overwhelms me, and makes me exhausted. I actually hate mother’s day and I don’t look forward to it at all. I won’t change this family tradition, but I can learn from it, and lower my own expectations for my son’s when they get married. I think next year I’ll pretend I have a headache and stay home and read.

  37. I don’t mind sharing with with my mom or mother-in-law, but I feel like I walk away exhausted after planning things for everyone but myself.

  38. I taught my sons that their wives come first….but not only. Why not have brunch with his Mom and the rest of the day just their family ? See your Mom. Take care of your wife and make sure she has a special day. But remember if you don’t show your children that his mother counts too, one day you will be a mother-in-law wondering why your sons have left you out. Gifts and flowers are meaningless. Time together is everything.

  39. What about if your son and his daughter-in-law celebrate the day with her mother, taking her out for a nice meal but do nothing for his mother apart from a text message, is this acceptable. Should the mother of the son not be hurt or resentful?

  40. This was wonderfully written from a new mom/daughter in law perspective. I see many other comments about mothers of grown children or men commenting and this article embodies every feeling a young new mother deals with. Every family dynamic is different but let’s not forget the moms out there that get forgotten about because they are always doing what their mother in law and mother want for Mother’s Day. Thank you for writing this wonderful piece!!!!! I am sending this to my husband 🙂

  41. The goal of this article was to remind husbands to honor their wives on mothers day after they’ve become mothers. What’s wrong with that? A lot of men need that reminder because it hurts women’s feelings to not be acknowledged when they’re going through the struggles of motherhood. It’s not one or the other on mothers day you can give both your wife and mother a gift…like the article says. Maybe family get togethers work for some families, but mothers with small children feel exhausted and might not want to spend the day try to please everyone else while chasing after children. As a new mother myself I feel overwhelmed planning the day out between my MIL, mother, and stepmother. I have three great women in my life I love but once babies come into the picture it’s hard to cover all your bases. Everyone’s financial and family situation is unique. There is no golden standard to gifts on this day. It’s the thought that counts not the time spent or the price tag. Flowers and a card are a beautiful gift, you guys sound greedy saying that’s not enough!!! A phone call is a good gift from a son that has fallen on hard times and is struggling to pay his rent or mortgage. Some people make the holiday about material goods instead of love and that’s a shame. Y’all lost sight of what’s important.

  42. As a husband stuck in the middle, I couldn’t agree more. I actually lay the blame for any friction on this day with the mother-in-law. I find it selfish that she (my mother) doesn’t understand the dynamics of this day and continues to expect time and attention on this day. It is always the worst day of the year for me….because of my mother. I wish there could be a movement to have separate mother’s days…one for the mother of your child(ren) and one for your mother.

  43. For every one that says they disagree, that the husband’s mother shouldn’t be forgotten … You obviously didn’t read this whole article. It says in here multiple times that the husband shouldn’t forgotten and something should be done for his mother !!!!!! Just not the whole entire day.

    So in my family we basically honor all the mothers, which is very stressful and , I , as a mother, feel like I’m doing to much running around, calling, buying whatever. I DONT GET TO RELAX. And if you don’t do anything or tell anyone happy mother’s day, my family gets butt hurt.

    So what I plan to do, LIKE IT SAYS IN THE ARTICLE, Do something nice for the husband’s mom on the Saturday before, not just the husband, but the whole family. As well as do it for the wife’s mom. Split the Saturday to spend time with both. But make sunday, actual mother’s day, ABOUT THE MOM.

  44. I agree with this 100%. No he shouldnt forget about his own mother but she hasnt had kids to take care of in 15 years! Im the one at home caring for his children. And while they are young it falls on him to make the day special.

  45. Sorry but mother’s day its that: mother’s day. So as a husband you celebrate your wife being one and ensure your kids do the same, now and for the future honoring your mother. It’s not that it has to be mom over wife but this article sounds like wife has to be over mom. I think both deserve their place.

  46. God’s word says Honor your mother and father and you will live a long and prosperous life. I understand and accept fully that a wife is #1 in a son’s life. It hurts a mother when she cannot be recognized on the actual Mother’s Day (which I know doesn’t matter to some). A mother doesn’t have an expiration date. I raised my kids alone when my first husband left me. I was both mother and father for the most part. Regardless of that, I think it is selfish on any person’s part to force a spouse to choose. Couldn’t a son spend the majority of the day with his wife and children but save an hour or so for his mom, who gave him life? For someone to demand that they not see their mom on the actual day when they know that hurts the mom is not a giving, loving and sharing heart. If it doesn’t matter to the mother what day its celebrated, fine but for myself, I find it heartbreaking that I’m not given even an hour of time with my son. I couldn’t see it in my heart to make a spouse choose and to disregard their worth on mothers day as well. Yes, the actual day – not another day. Kids grow up to be adults and this lesson you are teaching them may come back to hurt you terribly. If we know we are causing heartbreak to another and it is within our power to work something out for both parties, that is how we are to live – in peace. It’s a selfish person who can’t share.

  47. My ex husbands birthday often falls on Mother’s Day When my daughter was small, his idea of a perfect Mother’s Day was for me to do all the cleaning and cooking, have his entire family for
    Sunday dinner at our house and celebrate his mother and his birthday. I worked full time. His mother was retired. His sister in law was a stay at home mom with 4 kids so she was too busy. Mom in law and I rotated the other holidays. My parents lived 1000 miles away. I was a nurse so I would volunteer to work Mother’s Day. That threw everyone into a tizzy. Just cards and cake on those years. I still hate Mother’s Day though I am remarried and he makes me feel special. We celebrate Mother’s Day the week after, going to a brunch with my daughter and son in law and we pick up the tab. She spends Mother’s Day with her mother in law or her father if it is his birthday. She has no children after watching her parents fight. I think Moms with young children deserve the day. Same with Dads. If you are in the trenches of child rearing, it is your day.

  48. Agrée 100% with the article. Those who disagree are probably grandmas that have forgotten what it’s like to have young children. Or, could be a regional difference. Definitely where I am Mother’s Day is for the people who are currently in the trenches of motherhood.

    You have nerves of steel to be a blogger and put it all out there like that. Good for you.

    Happy Mother’s Day.

    And there better be some pancakes and a mimosa waiting for me downstairs!

  49. I 100% agree with this. Acknowledge your own mother by doing something special, but your immediate family and wife should ALWAYS be the #1 priority once you are married and become a parent. If you have a great relationship with your parents and in-laws and want to include them, great! Mine is a little strained and they always pressure and guilt my husband into plans they make when I just want to spend a low-key day at home with my family. I certainly don’t want to be pressured or guilted into celebrating my MIL without consideration for what I want. This is how I approach Father’s Day for my husband. I never commit to plans my MIL tries to pressure me in to without seeing what my husband wants first and foremost. I call or send my Dad a card or do something special for him the day before, but Father’s Day is for the father of my children. If your family dynamic is different and that works for your family, great, but please realize that isn’t the case for everyone. I will raise my children to honor and pamper the mother and father of their children on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, while my husband and I celebrate ourselves together.

    • For all those saying that your wife is not your mother, that’s true, but “mother’s” means the day belongs to moms. All moms are to be celebrated and acknowledged, but your wife and your family unit are first and foremost. Always.

  50. Its one of those one sided artilces written in a way as if this is the truth. Its stupid. Mother’s day is about your Mother and then all the Mother’s in your family including your wife. Just because you are now married does not mean she would remain the only woman in your life. No one can replace your Mother. Situation is ironic when the wife expects alot to feel special on this day by you but does not choose to wish husband’s Mother.

  51. Lol the nerves cant wait until your sons grow up and make ypu second fiddle on your day lol wish i could be there to laugh 🚶🚶🚶🚶

  52. AMEN!! My husband is nothing like this. His mom flat out reminds me of the movie “monster-in-law”. Yesterday was mother’s day. My kids were at their fathers this weekend so they weren’t here. Sad for me but he’s a good dad. My husband took off for his mom to go eat lunch. So I’m stuck here alone.. When he came home we went to grocery store then just say here so he could watch hockey.. That was my mother’s day. He says I’m not his mom he shouldn’t have to do anything for me. But I’m the one taking care of him making his lunches for work. I’m a stay at home mom so I do it all. Do I deserve something?? Very hurt.

    • I was too in that situation this year and I honestly don’t know what happened. The words … You are not my mother …was also said to me. But the previous years I was always acknowledged one way or another. Of course he is to celebrate his mother just like I celebrate my own. But out of all men in the world I could have married, I chose him and decided to give him children and made him a father. I’m also raising his children….not his mother. I work full time. We also went through child loss with our second son and it was a struggle in those heart wrenching months ….year….to raise and attend our other son. Like many moms…..Im also behind our son with homework etc and he’s doing an awesome job with good grades. But this year…. Not even a verbal happy mother’s day. Yes.. I received it from our son instead and forever will cherish his crafts and lovings. But not to hear it from my husband…. Or offer to do a chore….plan a family picnic for another day or at the beach…… Just nothing as if it was just another day and mother’s day didn’t exist. Just pure coldness. No I’m not his mother, but his wife who took over to take care of him and the mother of his son. Every mother in my family was celebrated by their husbands but mine……very hurt 💔

    • For guys to put this in prospective when trying to decide where to put their energy I would say: If you think it is inconsiderate for your wife to take off for a whole day on Father’s Day serving your Father-in-law’s every wim while you take care of small children, then don’t do that to your wife. When I was young my father stopped by his moms real quick but taught/helped us with how we wanted to show his wife our love. He helped us make cards or cook. That’s the kind of man I want my son’s to be.

  53. I had this discussion with my family… men, women, young, old. We all agreed that the wife in the trenches of motherhood comes first. Yes, you should do something nice for your mom and make her feel special, but why can’t it be the day before? Is that such a horrible compromise? All moms should be celebrated, but trying to do it all on one day can become stressful and make the day not special at all.

  54. I shld have my husbnd read this article. Hubby canceled his plan for taking me out coz his mom was planning a dinner at her house. It hurts but i just didnt say anything to him and now im still upset and just waiting for this feeling to go away. It sucks

  55. Wow, it looks like so many women missed the point of this article or didn’t get past the title. You deserve to be first. If you let “mommy” be first, it will ruin your marriage eventually. Let your hubs send her flowers or a spa coupon. MIL has her birthday to look forward to in most cases and as long as she’s in good standing with the wife, she probably also gets to see the grandkids and her son 2-3 times a year or more depending on how close she lives.

    My MIL is so selfabsorbed and rude that Mother’s Day isn’t even a thing she gets a card for anymore. She’s made it perfectly clear that she thinks she should be the only woman in the world and we’re not dealing with that. 🙃

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