Dear Husbands: Mother’s Day is Not About Your Mom

Dear Husbands,

It’s not much of a surprise that relationships between married women and their mothers-in-law can be… well, complicated. And perhaps the holiday that encompasses that the most is Mother’s Day. And guys, we know: You’re really, really caught in the middle. Your mother expects you to do something for her. Your wife wants to feel special, too. And you probably just want to make everyone happy. But here’s something, from all of us wives out there, that you really, really need to know: Guys, Mother’s Day is not about your mom. Not anymore, anyway.

We get it, you spent your entire life doing something special for her on Mother’s Day. You love her. You’re grateful for the sacrifices she made for you. These are all good things. But now you’re married, and your wife has given you children of your own. That means your focus, your priority, needs to shift from your mother, to the mother of your children. She takes precedence now. (Sorry, mothers-in-law.)

Right now, your wife is in the trenches. She’s going through the most difficult part of motherhood. She’s dealing with tons of stress and frustration every single day, whether it be crying babies and dirty diapers, toddler temper tantrums and potty training, or insane loads of homework, bullies, and adolescence. Being a mom means being selfless, pretty much every moment of every day. She’s always worrying about someone else, fixing everyone else’s problems, and rarely takes time for herself. Guys, your mom did all of this, too — but those days, for her, are over. So on Mother’s Day, you need to make the day special for your wife first and foremost.

Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean forget your mom altogether. By all means, send your mom flowers. Get her a lovely gift. But ask your wife what she wants to do on Mother’s Day first, and if the answer is not “go to my mother-in-law’s house,” then don’t drag everyone to go see your mother. After all, it’s not Grandparent’s Day (and yes, that’s a real day, guys). There are other days you can devote to showering your mom with attention and gifts and pampering. On Mother’s Day, you need to focus on the woman who is currently in the throes of motherhood.

Let’s say that you really want to spend time with your mom on Mother’s Day — well, have no fear, because there are still ways to make this a win-win situation. There are a couple of options here: First, you can see your mom the Saturday before Mother’s Day. The second, and likely better, option? Pack up your kids, and take them to your mom’s house… without your wife. Plan a special day for her that she can have all to herself — a nice brunch, a mini shopping spree, the chance to see that movie she’s been wanting to see, a day at a spa, or heck, even just the ability to enjoy her empty house where she can read and nap without getting interrupted a million times by tiny people who always need something. Moms rarely get time alone, and this can give her the opportunity to get a much-needed break for rest and relaxation, while you still get to spend time with your mom.

Of course, there might be the chance that your wife says she wants to spend the day together, as a family — no mother-in-law’s house. And in that case, then sorry, guys, but you’re going to have to cut the apron strings and put your wife first. She should be the main woman in your life now. You should be treating her like that every day, but especially on Mother’s Day.

One last note: Us moms, we’re not saying you shouldn’t do anything for your mom on Mother’s Day. Again, get a gift for her! Do something special for her. But just remember who the main mom in your life is now. And for the love of all that is holy, do not make your wife responsible for your mom’s Mother’s Day. Your wife should not be worrying about making sure your mom has a fantastic Mother’s Day while her special day is all but forgotten. Your wife doesn’t need to be picking out your mom’s gift or planning a visit to her house or arranging a Mother’s Day brunch for your mother. You need to take on the responsibility of doing something nice for your mom, but especially something nice for your wife. It’s a lot, we know. But trust us, feeling special and loved and valued, and being put first for one day out of the year… it goes a long way for us moms, especially as we’re battling the everyday stresses of motherhood. We’re not saying not to remember your mom; we’re just saying, don’t forget us, either. Because, sorry guys, but a day dedicated to making your mom feel honored doesn’t make us feel that great. So for today, put us first.

Love,
Wives and Moms Everywhere

Cassy Fiano-Chesser
Cassy Fiano-Chesser is a Jacksonville native and mom to six kids. Her husband is a Marine Corps veteran and Purple Heart recipient. She works from home as a blogger and a freelance writer, and they currently live in the Argyle area of Jacksonville. Benjamin is their oldest, born in 2011, and he loves being a big brother. Wyatt was born in 2012, and he has Down syndrome. Ivy came next, in 2013, followed by Clara, born in 2015, who is a diva-with-a-capital-D. Rounding out the brood is Felicity, born in 2017, and Lilly, born in 2007. They love discovering things to do on the First Coast and going on family adventures, as well as cheering on the Jumbo Shrimp and the Icemen.

110 COMMENTS

  1. I agree with Patricia Smith. I feel hurt today because I have a 17 year old son (one child) who did not say anthing to me today to acknowledge Mother’s Day. My husband said Happy Mother’s Day when I woke up. Nothing else all day, not a card, nothing. At my mothers house we got together as a family with siblings. I heard what other moms got as gifts. Glad they didn’t ask me! My parents would have looked at my husband and son with great disappointment. As an adult you know better than to lean on the excuse of how it was in your house growing up. As an adult it’s poor to lean on that. Everyone around you is buying flowers, cards, etc. It’s the fathers job to raise kids to honor their mother. Part of rearing a kid. It’s parental malpractice not to. So it’s 11:38 pm, Mother’s Day is over and I’m sad. Sad that my husband doesn’t man up and move my son to do what’s right. I’m mad, hurt and question my husbands love for me. I’m sad. We’re not poor. My mother in law passed away. My husband hardly did a thing for her either. I had to do it. Some men hide behind their excuses but there is no excuse. Period.

    • Amen to that! We women only really get 2 a year for ourselves, our birthdays and Mother’s Day if we’re lucky enough to have kids. Mine husband at least got me a Mother’s Day card but the days prior to, he left me guessing not knowing if we were going to do anything on Mother’s Day as he doesn’t speak to his mom at all now. Of course we ended up going to his favorite place and of course we ended up doing everything he wanted that day. I guess I should not have expected anything different as he normally does what he wants to do the rest of the year anyway. We don’t have children together as it is the 2nd marriage for both of us, but I did ask him why so cool towards me on Mother’s Day. I’ve always felt that if you don’t give me a heads up the day before that we’re going somewhere at a certain time you need to at least help out so we can leave when you want to. Instead I had all the usual chores in the morning and had to run out the door as he pulled the car out into the driveway and sat in it for 15 minutes waiting for me instead of asking if I needed any help. This was only the beginning of his in consideration of no hand-holding that day and his walking in front of me at a fast pace. He could have at least told me we were eating outside so I could bring a sweater (I had a long sleeve shirt on but it was not enough and he had on 2 shirts) so I was cold the entire time. He had brought with him an extra shirt but didn’t tell me I was going to need one too. The worst was after he got done eating he got up and walked over to another spot and sat there by himself until I was done eating do… at that point I was fuming. Of course we had an argument when we got home with me asking why he could not be nice to me for at least one day. It was obvious to me he that he did not want to take me out on Mother’s Day. His reply was “you’re not my mother so why do I need to do anything special for you?”.

  2. Well at least he told you Happy Mother’s Day…I didn’t even get that and just found out I’m pregnant with child number 3! He lost his mother three years ago and every year since this has been his reason not to celebrate me over the grief of his mother. I feel like losing your mom should encourage you to help your kids celebrate their mom while they have her. It doesn’t have to be grand.

  3. This is a very selfish article. No the wife does not take his mother’s place. They have their own places. Getting married does not mean you dump your family. We, moms of the younger kids, need to think how would you feel when someone takes your rights away. We are not the only ones raising kids, they did too. You are the perfect example of what is wrong about women these days. Its all about YOU. You can have a 1000 items wishlist for your kids but have no right to object your husband celebrating his mom.looking for some attention from your husband, not the kids the Wait for valentines day.

  4. I soooo very much agree with you, AishMalik! Thank you for expressing it so well. I do believe one of my sons has asked his wife to pick out a plant for me, and I’m not sure why when it would’ve meant a ton more if he had taken the time. He is extremely busy working and getting his degree and with kids, all the while his wife and stepdaughter spend all the money. 😔. To the wives currently raising the kids…you have our sons everyday, be thankful! I for one miss my grown children, especially sons, because they DO, everyday, put you first! Heck, sometimes you wives do a hell of a job kicking grandma (Mother in law) to the curb. My advise, rethink that before he rethinks you! RespectIng your elders is never a bad idea.

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