Almost half of first-time marriages end in divorce, 60% of second marriages end in divorce, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. Y’all… a lot of us have exes, and to that end, a lot of us are someone’s ex. So, why do so many people insist on trashing their exes in front of their kids? We certainly don’t want the other parent talking poorly about us.
Children, at any age, don’t need to know the details of their parent’s marriage. They don’t need to know who did what, who spent more money, or who cussed who. And they certainly never need to witness heated arguments. Can you imagine how scary that must feel to a child? How traumatizing? Children have a biological need to feel loved, safe, and protected. So trashing their other parent isn’t in the best interest of your child. It’s giving in to our own selfish needs and insecurities.
Our words matter. Our body language matters. Kids are much smarter than we give them credit for, and if you roll your eyes every time they mention their other parent, they will learn to adjust their conversations around you. You’ll either form them into a little parrot simply regurgitating back everything you say about their other parent, or they’ll retreat and not bring up their other parent in front of you at all. Is that really doing what’s best for your child?
When we attack the other parent, we’re attacking part of them. This about it this way: How would you feel if someone was trash-talking one of your parents? It’s okay for YOU to be upset with your parent, but when someone else attacks them and points out their flaws, it hurts. Because no matter what, it’s still your parent. It’s part of who you are.
“Love is kind. If it’s not, it’s something else.”
–Bob Goff
It’s a matter of learning to regulate our own emotions before reacting to a situation. Luckily, there are endless resources to help: therapists, support groups, books, podcasts, etc. Of course, you want to defend yourself and explain what happened, but that’s between you and your ex. Your child doesn’t need to carry that burden. They need to feel safe, be loved, play with LEGOs, and snack on apple slices.
If you feel like you’re the “better” parent, then be the better parent. Do what’s best for your child. Tell them their other parent loves them. Acknowledge their feelings of happiness and love toward that other parent. Make them feel safe and loved. Always.
In that same spirit of doing what’s best for your child, it doesn’t have to be all rainbows and unicorns either. It’s perfectly okay to calmly acknowledge and discuss if the other parent puts them in an unsafe situation. I’m not talking about being petty or manipulative, either. I’m talking about a legitimate unsafe situation. That’s an opportunity to yet again, make them feel safe and loved, and teach them right from wrong.
“When you know better, do better.”
–Maya Angelo
I know it’s hard. I promise, I do. I’ve been a full-time stepmom for well over a decade and dealt with an extremely high-conflict situation. Out of respect for my child, I won’t go down the laundry list of unhealthy toxic behaviors and abuse, but our story could easily be featured as a Lifetime movie. Hard doesn’t even begin to describe the hopelessness you can feel at times. With help over time, though, you can continue to grow as a parent, and as a person, and put your best foot forward for yourself and your family.
READ: Life As a Stepmom
For our family, we took comfort in knowing that we always did what we felt was best for our child. We thought everything through and didn’t make rash decisions. We put him in therapy, took him to church with us, made sure he was focused and prepared at school, gave him a consistent home life, and showed him a life with a solid foundation, loving family and friends, safety, and support. To this day, I’m still in therapy, still reading, and still growing. I hope I’m always in a constant state of becoming a better version of myself.
