It’s the most vulnerable place for a lover to be, having children. It’s the equivalent of a planetary love-pole reversal. How else do parents claim they love their children so much, but do the most unloving things?
Watching your children grow, learn, suffer, lose touch with reality, sit in a pit of despair… what we’d do to avoid seeing our children go through it. Perhaps that’s why we have beginning-of-the-year rituals at schools when parents take their children to kindergarten for the first time. A boo-hoo breakfast — so families can practice the art of associating fear, nostalgia, and longing with eating.
A child hasn’t even stepped foot into a classroom and parents are already crying. How much of those emotions and all those connected rituals are really about parents, and less about the child? Why else would we already plan for the unknown events that inspire tears in the present moment for a future that is yet to be?
Parents have choices at the beginning of a new year. A few: Keep having children until the idea of letting them go into the world feels like a “been there, done that” norm. Or, love so much that you try a little less.
If you decide on the latter, start by releasing the idea that your child is an extension of you. They are their own people. This is cause to celebrate because that means that all the memories that made those tears at a boo-hoo breakfast don’t have to be your child’s. Perhaps because you try a little less, you will fall in love with the idea that we all get to have our own cycles working through fear, nostalgia, and longing. Your child gets to have this unique experience of being alive. And you know what? That will be the cause of all the security, optimism, and triumph that also comes in life as the lover of the ‘cause’ of all tears.
Maybe if you love more by trying less, you can do this, this school year: Realize that your best defense for your children is not found in saving them from the cycle of learning where we create, enjoy the creations, and watch something die off, only to create once more when we are ready. Instead of robbing children of a cycle of learning, save your children from parental fear, nostalgia, and longing and simply observe and listen. Maybe when you feel those triggers of “oh no,” you’ll hold back on the words and instead share why your fear, nostalgia, and longing are triggered. So instead of a “don’t…” replace it with “If you do, I worry that…” and watch how your child co-constructs life with you as a sounding board, and not the god (or devil) of someone else’s world. Because the reality is, they are the gods of their own life project. And in all my decades of teaching, one thing I know for sure: They. Are. Gods. And so to treat them like they are anywhere on our level is a disservice to them.
So what do we do instead? We love. When our children head to school afraid to go to school, we love. We hug and hold on to the fear with them, by honoring their next steps until they are ready to move on to the next experience. When our child comes home nostalgic about how life used to be so easy back in kindergarten, we love. We hug, share our own memories, and hold on to their nostalgia with them by honoring their next steps until they are ready to move on to the next experience with any resources you’ve offered with which to build from that place. When our children come home from school with this longing to do something different than what’s happening at school, we love. We hug, hold onto that longing and honor their next steps and watch what is created in a way that will blow you away.
Here’s the kicker, though. Not all teachers will love in a way that your child will understand because we are also living our own cycles. And so what will you do then? Love, of course. When our children come home from an experience with a teacher, hold on to it with them, honor their next steps, even if those walk out the door of the teacher assigned to them. But most importantly, love. Especially love the teacher, because they will either love your children to compensate for all the love they didn’t get in life, or they will love your children in the only way they ever learned how. Worst case scenario, we will only be able to offer the best for your children the moment you love, and maybe teach the teacher how to redefine it, by your own love for your child’s cycle of learning in life.
Our “Dear Parent, From a Teacher” series helps parents obtain the tools and insight to ensure a successful school year for their children. If you are a teacher who wishes to write a guest blog for this series, please email your topic to [email protected].
About the Author
Gabie Ruiz, M.Ed. is a master of trades across many paths. A health and wellness small business owner, a group fitness instructor, and non-profit trainer from CPR to professional teacher exam preparation, writer, blogger, and podcaster, what unites all her work is her passionate role and calling as a teacher, life artist, and change catalyst. A current veteran teacher of 27 years she has been an educational leader to all learners from infants up to masters degree candidates in colleges of education and vocational education. She has parented from all sides, both as a stay-at-home-mom, as a working single-parent, elementary school teacher, and as an advocate for the special needs of elementary school students working alongside teachers. Of all her work in her community, her greatest accomplishment has been in raising her two children, Ruben and Maya, who are fledgling adults raised with strong work ethic and spiritual literacy which contributes to the trademark of Gabie’s current work in Jacksonville. Her current passions include managing her pandemic-inspired online wellness community, awakening brave vulnerability, and writing openly cathartic self-reflections, which include her current project, “Now That I Know Better,” a podcast that seeks to pass on her lessons learned from her life as a wife, mother, teacher, friend, empty nester, and brave single woman in the dating world. Check out her current projects here.
