I was always going to be a mom. After 5 years of marriage, we decided it was finally time to get off birth control. I was shocked to find out that I got pregnant on the first try! I didn’t have a cycle in between, and I felt SUPERIOR — I was clearly made to have babies! To say I was on cloud nine doesn’t even begin to describe it. I am an open book and started sharing WITH ANYONE AND EVERYONE the second I got a positive. It never crossed my mind that something could go wrong. A big planner myself, I was already penciling in my potential shower dates.
I had a great first appointment. There was a strong heartbeat, but the baby was measuring two weeks behind… I ovulate late, so that wasn’t a warning sign for my medical team. I just didn’t know that I wouldn’t even have another appointment for this pregnancy.
I was on a girls’ trip when I experienced one of the darkest days of my life. I miscarried in public, on a rooftop bar surrounded by family. Three out of the four women had suffered a miscarriage, so I was in the best hands possible and was comforted by their shared experience. I’d always felt removed from the process. I knew of people who had miscarried before, but it took being in their shoes and seeing from this point of view to finally understand what they were talking about.
READ: The Ugly Truth About Miscarriages
Having a miscarriage isn’t a club anyone chooses to be in — especially during a first pregnancy. All of my hopes and dreams were shattered in an instant. I was immediately filled with doubt. Would I ever be a mother? Would I get pregnant again? Would I be able to carry full term? One out of four women miscarry, and my doctor shared with me that it’s actually one out of two, they just don’t know it if they haven’t tested.
We didn’t prevent after that experience and left it all to chance. After the third try, I got impatient. I finally bought ovulation strips and decided that we were ready again. I changed my diet, stopped drinking alcohol, and studied more about how to provide the best environment for a future baby. We got pregnant that very same month and found out during Christmas. It truly was the miracle I was praying for! I always joke that Levi wasn’t born out of love, but out of our dedication.
Getting a positive test again was the most bittersweet feeling. My heart was filled with hope again, but I was also paralyzed by fear. People didn’t know whether to congratulate me or to be scared that it would happen again. I have never prayed more in my entire life than that season.
Because I had previously miscarried, my practice saw me early at six weeks. I held my breath that entire pregnancy. I knew too much now. I had met women and heard stories of miscarriage at every stage. The first thing I did was ask my provider to check my progesterone levels. So many early miscarriages occur from a simple supplement and they prescribed me some because it wouldn’t prevent but it also wouldn’t cause harm. I think this is the reason why I had a healthy pregnancy and will ask to be prescribed it every pregnancy moving forward. The best $20 I’ve ever spent, and I recommend it to every friend who has miscarried.
READ: The Rainbow Baby Club: An Unwanted Membership With the Most Incredible Reward
When people ask me about the side effects, I can’t remember anything negative about my pregnancy. I so desperately wanted to be a mother it didn’t matter what was thrown my way. Bring on every negative symptom, I would kill for them. I now laugh at my cankles or having to get my rings cut off because I swelled so much! I had gestational diabetes, thyroid issues, and a high-risk pregnancy, but I remember it as the easiest pregnancy.
Levi’s birth was the best day of my life. All my wildest dreams came true: I had a perfect baby boy and finally had a family of my own. I don’t know how we ever lived without him! The joy in my heart was indescribable, and motherhood hasn’t lost its luster 11 months later. After the storm, a rainbow appears. He is a reminder that everything is for a reason and I wouldn’t have him if my first pregnancy had been a healthy one.
Today, I am holding my rainbow baby a little extra tighter and saying a prayer of thanks. He is a reminder of the highest of highs and lowest of lows. He is the light of my life and I can’t imagine a life without him. In a way, I am thankful for the sacrifice that happened for Levi to get here.
If you are a mom in the waiting, please know that we are thinking of you and hoping for you. Have hope that your your rainbow is right around the corner. A miscarriage mama is here across the screen to connect with you.
