Dear Husbands,
It’s not much of a surprise that relationships between married women and their mothers-in-law can be… well, complicated. And perhaps the holiday that encompasses that the most is Mother’s Day. And guys, we know: You’re really, really caught in the middle. Your mother expects you to do something for her. Your wife wants to feel special, too. And you probably just want to make everyone happy. But here’s something, from all of us wives out there, that you really, really need to know: Guys, Mother’s Day is not about your mom. Not anymore, anyway.
READ: Guide to Mother’s Day: Where to Dine + Celebrate In & Around Jacksonville
We get it, you spent your entire life doing something special for her on Mother’s Day. You love her. You’re grateful for the sacrifices she made for you. These are all good things. But now you’re married, and your wife has given you children of your own. That means your focus, your priority, needs to shift from your mother, to the mother of your children. She takes precedence now. (Sorry, mothers-in-law.)
Right now, your wife is in the trenches. She’s going through the most difficult part of motherhood. She’s dealing with tons of stress and frustration every single day, whether it be crying babies and dirty diapers, toddler temper tantrums and potty training, or insane loads of homework, bullies, and adolescence. Being a mom means being selfless, pretty much every moment of every day. She’s always worrying about someone else, fixing everyone else’s problems, and rarely takes time for herself. Guys, your mom did all of this, too — but those days, for her, are over. So on Mother’s Day, you need to make the day special for your wife first and foremost.
Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean forget your mom altogether. By all means, send your mom flowers. Get her a lovely gift. But ask your wife what she wants to do on Mother’s Day first, and if the answer is not “go to my mother-in-law’s house,” then don’t drag everyone to go see your mother. After all, it’s not Grandparent’s Day (and yes, that’s a real day, guys). There are other days you can devote to showering your mom with attention and gifts and pampering. On Mother’s Day, you need to focus on the woman who is currently in the throes of motherhood.
Let’s say that you really want to spend time with your mom on Mother’s Day — well, have no fear, because there are still ways to make this a win-win situation. There are a couple of options here: First, you can see your mom the Saturday before Mother’s Day. The second, and likely better, option? Pack up your kids, and take them to your mom’s house… without your wife. Plan a special day for her that she can have all to herself — a nice brunch, a mini shopping spree, the chance to see that movie she’s been wanting to see, a day at a spa, or heck, even just the ability to enjoy her empty house where she can read and nap without getting interrupted a million times by tiny people who always need something. Moms rarely get time alone, and this can give her the opportunity to get a much-needed break for rest and relaxation, while you still get to spend time with your mom.
Of course, there might be the chance that your wife says she wants to spend the day together, as a family — no mother-in-law’s house. And in that case, then sorry, guys, but you’re going to have to cut the apron strings and put your wife first. She should be the main woman in your life now. You should be treating her like that every day, but especially on Mother’s Day.
One last note: Us moms, we’re not saying you shouldn’t do anything for your mom on Mother’s Day. Again, get a gift for her! Do something special for her. But just remember who the main mom in your life is now. And for the love of all that is holy, do not make your wife responsible for your mom’s Mother’s Day. Your wife should not be worrying about making sure your mom has a fantastic Mother’s Day while her special day is all but forgotten. Your wife doesn’t need to be picking out your mom’s gift or planning a visit to her house or arranging a Mother’s Day brunch for your mother. You need to take on the responsibility of doing something nice for your mom, but especially something nice for your wife. It’s a lot, we know. But trust us, feeling special and loved and valued, and being put first for one day out of the year… it goes a long way for us moms, especially as we’re battling the everyday stresses of motherhood. We’re not saying not to remember your mom; we’re just saying, don’t forget us, either. Because, sorry guys, but a day dedicated to making your mom feel honored doesn’t make us feel that great. So for today, put us first.
Love,
Wives and Moms Everywhere
This post was originally published in 2018, updated in 2024.
Great article! And true! But what about the mom’s mom? That’s where we run into the issue. My mother-in-law is really laid back and understands, but MY mom on the other hand…well she seems a little reluctant to give up the Mother’s Day spotlight. They will always be our moms, and very special, but I’ve been waiting a loooong time to get to celebrate this holiday as a mom and it’s going to be all about me me me on Sunday, lol.
Well, thankfully, my mom is pretty laid back, but IMO, whether it’s your mom or the MIL, it’s a boundary issue. If it were me, I’d send my mom some flowers or a nice gift with a card and leave it at that. If she started blowing my phone up, I’d turn it off. 😉 Gotta draw the line somewhere!
I would wife and hubs go buy gifts on the Saturday before and take them to each mom. Half and half the day with them and then Sunday is all about the MOM.
I completely disagree. I am not my husband’s mother. I have 4 children that will honor me on Mother’s Day. I expect my husband to honor his mother. I wish my Mom was still here so I could honor her. Honor your own mother and let your kids honor you. There are enough hours in the day to do both. But you cannot imagine what it means to an older mother of 4 like me ,who is now a grandmother, to have my kids honor me. To me, Mothers Day is more important than my birthday because being a mother defines me.
I completely agree that husbands shouldn’t forget their moms altogether — that’s why I repeatedly said they should do something special for her. 😉 And while it may be nice to have kids old enough to make your Mother’s Day special, for a lot of us, our kids are too young to do that, so it necessarily falls on our husbands to pick up the slack. It can feel pretty awful to have a husband move heaven and earth to make Mother’s Day special for his mom, while doing nothing for his wife, who is also a mother, especially when his wife is supposed to be the #1 woman in his life.
Thank god someone one up here has some sense
Well I agree. 🙂
When your young children grow up. They will make it special for you. Mother’s Day is about YOUR mom. Not you. And for your husband it’s HIS mom that should be celebrated and honored. Wait your turn and stop being selfish. Send flowers? Set boundaries? Turn your phone off? What a nightmare!!! That’s the woman who sacrificed day after day, year after year for you. ??♀️
It falls on the man if the children are too young to celebrate the mom on their own. To me that means he has a responsibility to his mother AND his wife. She never said to ignore his mom. But as a mom myself, if I’ve raised my son well enough, I expect him to make sure when he has young children that his wife is well loved and appreciate on mother’s day even before myself. That’s the type of son I want to raise.
Well said Jennifer
Omg Kristin I love you for this comment!
What happens if their mom doesn’t have a husband?
Who is going to celebrate them? Who is going to take them out to dinner or do something special for them?
I did repeatedly emphasize that husbands shouldn’t ignore their mothers; I said they should absolutely take them out, buy them gifts, etc.; but just that they should make their wives the number one priority.
Lol I think some people just can’t read or comprehend what they’ve read. Great article!!! I completely agree and am so thankful my husband puts me first!
I did read and comprehend your article. I know you said not to forget about their mother, but your title and most of your article says it isn’t about their mother. A little contradictory right?
Also, what about my mom? My dad isn’t married to her… What about her? Should I not celebrate her because I am a mother? Should I not celebrate father’s day for my dad as much I would celebrate my husband?
Also, I am divorced from my children’s father and re-married. I don’t expect him to celebrate me being a mom. I know he will, but I would be extremely dissapointed if he did not celebrate his mom as much as I am being celebrated.
You said send her some flowers or something, like she is secondary.
I think his is very narcissistic, it’s mothers day not wives day. I didn’t birth my husband.
No, just his children. 😉
Amen. I see women every day say “I’m not his mother, why would I do that for him”. Yet they want to be #1 all the time. My MiL birthed and raised 8 kids. She damn sure deserves respect and to be honored every day. If my husband put me above his mother on mother’s day we would have some words.
I think it’s narcissistic for my mil to think I should trek my kids an hour drive to spend the day at her house then cook and clean after everyone while she enjoys the cake she bought for herself. Then I sit in traffic for 2 hours to get home with 2 screaming kids. THATS narcissistic.
That’s right, he “Husband can honor his wife all year long” one day a year to honor his Mom “wow” my Daughter-in-law decided to make it a beach day. That’s great sure wish I was included on the beach day, but oh no just her and my Son and my Grand daughter’s. My oldest 26 year old grand daughter said I thought Nana was your Mom, We can take care of Mom, Dad…I quit being hurt, when my Husband did something, I got mad at him he Replied “you are not my Mother” BINGO THATS RIGHT I AM YOUR WIFE. MOTHER’S DAY IS FOR OUR MOTHER’S! You
What a bitchy person to think that the husbands mom doesn’t matter.
That’s not what she said. I disagreed with her also when I only read the title. Then I actually read the article. Did you?
Sooooo, you’re just going to make it up as you go along? OMG, I can’t stand my MIL, but I know this is wrong as all get out. It’s “Mother’s Day”, not “Mothers Day”. The possessive “s” made the word a proper noun because very few people call their mother by their first name. So truth be told, the spirit of the holiday actually says she takes priority over you because to him, she’s “Mother”.
I disagree 100%.. It’s his mother!! You are his wife! Yes he should help the kids make your day amazing, but he should also make his moms day great too!! She raised a man that you loved and married! You will one day be upset when your kids wife says sorry but we can’t go see your mom on mothers day, cuz I’m the new mom in your life!! I am NOT my husbands mom I am his WIFE!
Did you read the whole thing? Because I did repeatedly say he needs to do something special for his mom, too. 😉
We all read your article. We all read our husbands should send their moms flowers and a call
But so whatever wifey wants on mother’s day even not include his mother if that’s what she wants. I would never ask anyone not to be with their mother on mother’s day
I think this is a selfish and you should be ashamed of yourself.
It’s just so sad. I would never make my man pick me over his mother. You have to have respect for people. I feel a lot of people will use this to justify keeping their husbands away from their mother on Mother’s Day just out of spite because they can.