Dear Husbands,
It’s not much of a surprise that relationships between married women and their mothers-in-law can be… well, complicated. And perhaps the holiday that encompasses that the most is Mother’s Day. And guys, we know: You’re really, really caught in the middle. Your mother expects you to do something for her. Your wife wants to feel special, too. And you probably just want to make everyone happy. But here’s something, from all of us wives out there, that you really, really need to know: Guys, Mother’s Day is not about your mom. Not anymore, anyway.
READ: Guide to Mother’s Day: Where to Dine + Celebrate In & Around Jacksonville
We get it, you spent your entire life doing something special for her on Mother’s Day. You love her. You’re grateful for the sacrifices she made for you. These are all good things. But now you’re married, and your wife has given you children of your own. That means your focus, your priority, needs to shift from your mother, to the mother of your children. She takes precedence now. (Sorry, mothers-in-law.)
Right now, your wife is in the trenches. She’s going through the most difficult part of motherhood. She’s dealing with tons of stress and frustration every single day, whether it be crying babies and dirty diapers, toddler temper tantrums and potty training, or insane loads of homework, bullies, and adolescence. Being a mom means being selfless, pretty much every moment of every day. She’s always worrying about someone else, fixing everyone else’s problems, and rarely takes time for herself. Guys, your mom did all of this, too — but those days, for her, are over. So on Mother’s Day, you need to make the day special for your wife first and foremost.
Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean forget your mom altogether. By all means, send your mom flowers. Get her a lovely gift. But ask your wife what she wants to do on Mother’s Day first, and if the answer is not “go to my mother-in-law’s house,” then don’t drag everyone to go see your mother. After all, it’s not Grandparent’s Day (and yes, that’s a real day, guys). There are other days you can devote to showering your mom with attention and gifts and pampering. On Mother’s Day, you need to focus on the woman who is currently in the throes of motherhood.
Let’s say that you really want to spend time with your mom on Mother’s Day — well, have no fear, because there are still ways to make this a win-win situation. There are a couple of options here: First, you can see your mom the Saturday before Mother’s Day. The second, and likely better, option? Pack up your kids, and take them to your mom’s house… without your wife. Plan a special day for her that she can have all to herself — a nice brunch, a mini shopping spree, the chance to see that movie she’s been wanting to see, a day at a spa, or heck, even just the ability to enjoy her empty house where she can read and nap without getting interrupted a million times by tiny people who always need something. Moms rarely get time alone, and this can give her the opportunity to get a much-needed break for rest and relaxation, while you still get to spend time with your mom.
Of course, there might be the chance that your wife says she wants to spend the day together, as a family — no mother-in-law’s house. And in that case, then sorry, guys, but you’re going to have to cut the apron strings and put your wife first. She should be the main woman in your life now. You should be treating her like that every day, but especially on Mother’s Day.
One last note: Us moms, we’re not saying you shouldn’t do anything for your mom on Mother’s Day. Again, get a gift for her! Do something special for her. But just remember who the main mom in your life is now. And for the love of all that is holy, do not make your wife responsible for your mom’s Mother’s Day. Your wife should not be worrying about making sure your mom has a fantastic Mother’s Day while her special day is all but forgotten. Your wife doesn’t need to be picking out your mom’s gift or planning a visit to her house or arranging a Mother’s Day brunch for your mother. You need to take on the responsibility of doing something nice for your mom, but especially something nice for your wife. It’s a lot, we know. But trust us, feeling special and loved and valued, and being put first for one day out of the year… it goes a long way for us moms, especially as we’re battling the everyday stresses of motherhood. We’re not saying not to remember your mom; we’re just saying, don’t forget us, either. Because, sorry guys, but a day dedicated to making your mom feel honored doesn’t make us feel that great. So for today, put us first.
Love,
Wives and Moms Everywhere
This post was originally published in 2018, updated in 2024.
Wonderful article! I agree 100%!
Did you people actually read the article all the way through? She repeatedly says to not forget your mother in law completely. For all you people talking about your own mom…insert mom everywhere it says mother in law, because frankly it is not that difficult. The author is just stating that Mother’s Day should not be all about your mother In law (or mom) and that it should not be filled with running 50 different directions to celebrate other people. Yes, we did not give birth to our husbands, but we did his children. For a lot of mothers, including myself, my kids are way to little to celebrate us. It does fall on our husbands and our husbands should celebrate us and be sure to make us feel appreciated. If you want to see your mother in law (mom) on Mother’s Day, that is great and wonderful. If you don’t, you shouldn’t feel obligated to go and your husband should respect that and be happy to celebrate you. He can still show his mother he loves her, without spending the day with her. Make sure your wife knows you appreciate her.
It’s just an article people. If you don’t agree or if it doesn’t fit your Family dynamic then keep scrolling. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I’m pretty sure there are lots of wives out there that can relate and will find this article helpful. There is no need for people to get so defensive. It’s just an article!!
My second husband has never failed to see that I had a gift, card, and usually a cake for Mother’s Day, even before we had children together. This is in stark contrast to my ex husband who could never be bothered even when our children were infants and could not do anything for me for Mother’s Day on their own. His response: You’re not MY mother.My Ex husband saved all his attention and energy for his own mother whose affection and attention he was still trying to win in the competition he had going with his only sibling. Fast forward 20 years. Few things change. My husband, the second one, and I have been through many lean years, yet the gifts for Mother’s Day have never stopped. Sometimes there was simply a bouquet of wildflowers and a very heartfelt letter because we had no money. Child support, is after all, quite an expense. And do you know what? These are among my most beloved gifts because they came right from the heart and were a symbol of all that we can accomplish when we work together. This is why I love my husband.
Remember that when your kids are older and don’t see you on Mother’s Day… oh but send you a gift card ?. I don’t think 1 day out of the year is too much to ask when you gave 18years. I am a woman and can not imagine NOT seeing my mother and making her feel appreciated for all she has done for me. This is just crazy to me!
I agree, when your kids are gone you will want them to remember you. I make sure my husband remembers his mother and calls her. And I make sure we send her something. We live to far to always see her but she’s alone now, this article seems sarcastic, turn off my phone? No. My husband remembers me and the woman who gave him life and raised him.
Do you honor your father’s wishes over your husband’s on Father’s Day?
I think Mother’s Day is about honoring all mothers, not just your own, or your wife.
There is no reason that it has to be all about the wife/dil. However I do think there needs to be a balance. I also think it also depends on the relationship.
For example, my husband is not very close to his father. Does he feel the need to go all out for his dad on Father’s Day? No. He still gives him a call. My husband and I are both close to my dad, and we do treat him differently as we have a much closer relationship with him. I want to do nice things for him to honor him… But even so, my husband still comes first.
I don’t expect Mother’s Day to be 100% about me. I do want to feel appreciated, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t room for my mil or my mom.
Interesting perspective. And yes, I read the entire article.
I feel like this letter is 100% meant for the author’s husband. Please print it and share it with him, please. 🙂 Mother’s Day in our family is a day for my Mother-in-Law AND I. My mother died before we were married so it is a privilege to join my husband and honor my MIL. I do pick out the gift from our family to her, but my husband and little ones take care of me in whatever manner I choose. Last year, I wanted to sleep and have some quiet time, it was wonderful!
Wishing you all a Happy Mother’s Day!
LOL! It’s actually not, I promise. The inspiration was a conversation I had last week with a large group of moms who all felt left out because their husbands spent Mother’s Day going overboard for their own mothers, while ignoring them. So that’s where this post was born. It’s a complaint I’ve heard a lot from a lot of different moms.
“Ignoring them”? That sounds like a marriage problem not a Mother’s Day problem.
As both a “mom and wife” I disagree, and do take a little insult in your summing us all up in your signing this. Mother’s Day is for MOTHERS. ALL mothers. She’s not any less his mother now than she was 35 years ago. I order my MILs presents almost every year. Without grudge. Without resentment. Besides, if you really want to get technical, you are only “wife” to him. Your children are the only ones responsible for your glorious day. I wonder if you’re raising your children with this thought process……..
You really shouldn’t say “all wives” because I certainly don’t feel this way AT ALL. I understand some may, but not ALL. Someday my children will go all out for me as their mother and those are the moments I’ll gladly wait for while I teach my children by showing them how my husband and I honor our mothers on Mother’s Day. After all, I wouldn’t even be married to my husband if it wasn’t for that wonderful woman raising him. She absolutely deserves a day to be glorified! Because in my house I’m honored every day by his “thank you’s” and good morning / good bye kisses. Maybe the women that feel this way need to discuss with their husbands why they feel so neglected they cannot give up one day for his mother?
I ABSOLUTELY disagree. Where would I be today without my mother in law? And I don’t have the best relationship with my mother in law… But if it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have my husband.
The ultimate selfishness in trying to get your husband to dote on you and do things the way you want them done and not allow him to think for himself and do what he feels he’d like to do.
I completely agree the husband needs to help their children honor their mother on mother’s day. But mother’s day is mother’s day… Not pay complete attention to me me me day. Mother’s day is mother’s day… Not wife’s day. That’s why wife’s have birthdays.
“That why wife’s[sic] have birthdays.” But, so does MIL sooo..
I don’t really have this problem. Although, I would have a problem if my MIL expected everything to be about her on Mother’s Day, I mean, I know a part of her wishes for that, but she would never verbalize it. Anyway, I am pretty laid back, for the most part, so I don’t mind if my husband goes to see his mom on Mothers Day with our daughter so I can have some peace and quiet. And I don’t mind picking out her gift and card if my husband drops the ball.