Dear Husbands: Mother’s Day is Not About Your Mom

Dear Husbands,

It’s not much of a surprise that relationships between married women and their mothers-in-law can be… well, complicated. And perhaps the holiday that encompasses that the most is Mother’s Day. And guys, we know: You’re really, really caught in the middle. Your mother expects you to do something for her. Your wife wants to feel special, too. And you probably just want to make everyone happy. But here’s something, from all of us wives out there, that you really, really need to know: Guys, Mother’s Day is not about your mom. Not anymore, anyway.

We get it, you spent your entire life doing something special for her on Mother’s Day. You love her. You’re grateful for the sacrifices she made for you. These are all good things. But now you’re married, and your wife has given you children of your own. That means your focus, your priority, needs to shift from your mother, to the mother of your children. She takes precedence now. (Sorry, mothers-in-law.)

Right now, your wife is in the trenches. She’s going through the most difficult part of motherhood. She’s dealing with tons of stress and frustration every single day, whether it be crying babies and dirty diapers, toddler temper tantrums and potty training, or insane loads of homework, bullies, and adolescence. Being a mom means being selfless, pretty much every moment of every day. She’s always worrying about someone else, fixing everyone else’s problems, and rarely takes time for herself. Guys, your mom did all of this, too — but those days, for her, are over. So on Mother’s Day, you need to make the day special for your wife first and foremost.

Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean forget your mom altogether. By all means, send your mom flowers. Get her a lovely gift. But ask your wife what she wants to do on Mother’s Day first, and if the answer is not “go to my mother-in-law’s house,” then don’t drag everyone to go see your mother. After all, it’s not Grandparent’s Day (and yes, that’s a real day, guys). There are other days you can devote to showering your mom with attention and gifts and pampering. On Mother’s Day, you need to focus on the woman who is currently in the throes of motherhood.

Let’s say that you really want to spend time with your mom on Mother’s Day — well, have no fear, because there are still ways to make this a win-win situation. There are a couple of options here: First, you can see your mom the Saturday before Mother’s Day. The second, and likely better, option? Pack up your kids, and take them to your mom’s house… without your wife. Plan a special day for her that she can have all to herself — a nice brunch, a mini shopping spree, the chance to see that movie she’s been wanting to see, a day at a spa, or heck, even just the ability to enjoy her empty house where she can read and nap without getting interrupted a million times by tiny people who always need something. Moms rarely get time alone, and this can give her the opportunity to get a much-needed break for rest and relaxation, while you still get to spend time with your mom.

Of course, there might be the chance that your wife says she wants to spend the day together, as a family — no mother-in-law’s house. And in that case, then sorry, guys, but you’re going to have to cut the apron strings and put your wife first. She should be the main woman in your life now. You should be treating her like that every day, but especially on Mother’s Day.

One last note: Us moms, we’re not saying you shouldn’t do anything for your mom on Mother’s Day. Again, get a gift for her! Do something special for her. But just remember who the main mom in your life is now. And for the love of all that is holy, do not make your wife responsible for your mom’s Mother’s Day. Your wife should not be worrying about making sure your mom has a fantastic Mother’s Day while her special day is all but forgotten. Your wife doesn’t need to be picking out your mom’s gift or planning a visit to her house or arranging a Mother’s Day brunch for your mother. You need to take on the responsibility of doing something nice for your mom, but especially something nice for your wife. It’s a lot, we know. But trust us, feeling special and loved and valued, and being put first for one day out of the year… it goes a long way for us moms, especially as we’re battling the everyday stresses of motherhood. We’re not saying not to remember your mom; we’re just saying, don’t forget us, either. Because, sorry guys, but a day dedicated to making your mom feel honored doesn’t make us feel that great. So for today, put us first.

Love,
Wives and Moms Everywhere

Cassy Fiano-Chesser
Cassy Fiano-Chesser is a Jacksonville native and mom to six kids. Her husband is a Marine Corps veteran and Purple Heart recipient. She works from home as a blogger and a freelance writer, and they currently live in the Argyle area of Jacksonville. Benjamin is their oldest, born in 2011, and he loves being a big brother. Wyatt was born in 2012, and he has Down syndrome. Ivy came next, in 2013, followed by Clara, born in 2015, who is a diva-with-a-capital-D. Rounding out the brood is Felicity, born in 2017, and Lilly, born in 2007. They love discovering things to do on the First Coast and going on family adventures, as well as cheering on the Jumbo Shrimp and the Icemen.

199 COMMENTS

  1. May I suggest being nice to your daughter in laws and not the wicked witch to ensure it’s a happy day for everyone

  2. Also, the children of these young women are too young to honor their mother so steps should be taken by the husband to honor her until the children are old enough. When these MILS were young Mothers, did they accept being put on the back burner?
    HELL NO, so they should not expect this from their DILS
    All Mother’s should be celebrated, including the young mother whose children are too young to celebrate it for her. This makes it the responsibility of the husband to honor his mother and his wife. A lot of animosity between MILS and DILS is because the MIL cannot cut that cord and be respectful of her DIL. Don’t be a witch and you can have a loving relationship with your son. None of you MILS commenting would have accepted being left out when you were raising children so don’t expect your DIL to accept it. It’s really quite simple
    Don’t be an a$$ to the woman who can convince your son not to visit you. Treat your DILS as you expect to be treated

  3. Wow. There are lots of bitter MILs in these comments. Has it ever occurred to you ladies that perhaps the author doesn’t have a good relationship with her MIL because her MIL treats her poorly? There are some crazy moms out there who actually get jealous of their sons’ significant others.

  4. This was written for moms like me who don’t want their mother in law left out, but want to be appreciated by their husband at least while still raising his kids. To keep it short he says,” You’re not my mom”. He feels good when me and the kids appreciate him on father’s day though. We don’t even get packed as a family to go there like mentioned in the article. It’s all about her. Our kids aren’t grown yet.

  5. Why would you address this to dealing with MIL’s exclusively? Why does it not include allowing the husband to insist the wife not spending the day with her own mother because after all, the woman is not his mother? Or perhaps demand his wife not visit her own father on Father’s Day? You sound like a really bitter woman that wants to hate on MIL’s because you did not learn to share affections and are attempting too control your husband. Do you think a man was made to be your emotional, financial and physical minion in life? You are not your husband’s mother. Your husband does not need to do anything for you except help the kids make a handprint if they are too young or help them celebrate you. When they are older they can celebrate you the they want to and he should be left free to celebrate his own mother if he wants. It’s sounds as if husband lives under the stressful glare and attitude of ‘meism’. Perhaps you do not have a living mother at this point and so you, being perhaps without empathy cannot understand how any man would want to spend time with his own mother. You sound jealous and if you see life through that lease you will hate whomever that jealousy is directed at, finding plenty to fault so you can prove your thinking is correct. When your children grow up will you be so generous? Here’s the thing, you will want your grown children to acknowledge you and spend time with you on Mother’s Day. I am a mother with a dear DIL and son and grandchildren and every year we all have to tote ourselves to DIl’s mother’s home for a celebration of mothers. This woman never thinks about her own children perhaps wanting the day off to be with their own children or their husbands wanting to spend a precious weekend day relaxing at home. I do and I wish my DIL and son could just enjoy the day being lazy and doing something fun. My DIL loves her mother but sees it as a day of obligation since the mother makes it an all day event, inviting everyone over as a group. On one hand, everyone converging on a single home is convenient, on the other hand, it is not intimate. A call from son saying Happy Mother’s Day is enough fo rme because I prefer they have the day off to relax. Your article is biased against MILs and not your own mother if she is alive or any female’s mother for that matter. How would you feel if your husband said he doesn’t want you to visit your dad on Father’s Day because it’s all about him? Ladies grow up, stop being jealous of your MIL’s because of hormonal competitiveness that makes women pretty ugly for decades as they compete to capture and then dominate males, or at the very least, run their lives. This article should have been how it’s not about your own mom or MIL, if you actually were capable of covering the topic without the toxicity you are spewing to skew it towards MIL’s being the problem. Will your children’s MIL’s also be the problem? Will their spouses have evil MIL’s? What if your own cadult children’s spouses viewed you as the problem? Heavens forbid you are a MIL to a son’s wife who doesn’t want to visit with you on this day or tried to split the day between spouses parents? Can you really think through how you arrived at the conclusion you did that your husband is supposed to prove something to you with you using Mother’s Day as the day to do so? , Mother’s Day is about our own children and ours relationship now. It is not supposed to be where a man HAS to celebrate his wife. That’s for kids to do. If the kids are too young to do that, they will be old enough in time to do so. Ladies get off your attitudes that a man is supposed to cleave but a woman can remain a momma’s girl. That’s old fashioned thinking. As old as the thinking that gave men the legal right to beat his wife a 100 years ago. Move on, stop hating the IN-Laws and and see your thoughts for what they are ‘me, it’s all about me”. You’ll be better off for it because you will live from a point of empathy instead of desperation to be treated like some princess, hating on your husbands and MIL’s for not being on board with your fantasies. Too often I hear the discussion of women and what they want which is for their male partners to want what they want and think the same way. The husbands the slob, the husband wants to visit with his friends I don’t approve of now that we are married, the husband wants to this and that and so on……Maybe he thinks you are a neat freak and now he is doomed to having to be one or incur your wrath and is depressed over that because he can’t relax in his own home. Maybe he wonders why you bothered to be in a relationship with him if he is so wrong about his choice of friends, how clean he thinks a home needs to be, his interpretations of how to relax, how much income you need and who is important on Mother’s day. I see nothing but control ion this article, devastating, should crushing control. The kind of control that will cause your own children to know nothing but trying to please you or deal with your wrath. It’s called building a life through guilting others so they please you. Get your own life and stop trying to manipulate others to serve your needs. I sense you have little empathy and that might be because you have little self or other compassion. I suggest you check into what having that could bring for yourself, your husband, family, friends and basically your entire life moving forward.

  6. I was really struggling with how to feel about this. This article articulated my thoughts so well. I really appreciate you!

  7. Mothers day is exactly that. Yes you give your children some money to get their mom a card and a little present but your loyalty is to honor your mother. So many mothers might get a text saying happy mothers day and your wife gets taken out for supper and a wonderful gift leaving your mother so hurt. Your wife is not your mother!!!!!!!

    • Have you had kids where you deal with them day in and day out and their struggles while the husband doesnt deal with that part of them….just the fun things?

    • Exactly on Father’s Day I had my kids celebrate their dad n the. I celebrated my dD not my husband. Sounds like who wrote this was narcissistic. Wives have bdays anniversary s etc etc

  8. Finally, I am not the only one that thinks this! I would love to be first every once in a while, instead of being told we are going out to brunch with my mom for Mother’s Day. Then we go and maybe get flowers for ME to plant as the kids go do something else leaving me depressed and then he wonders why I am crabby for the day. Guys are clueless sometimes.

  9. Speak for yourself and not all wives and mothers. I encourage my husband to see his mother. She is 80 years old. I am NOT his mother.. fYI, it is MOTHER’S day!!! I celebrate with my mom and his mom. This is such a self centered and selfish narrative. We only get one mom. You see your husband everyday. His mother see him how often? I believe it is jealousy the is being displayed here.

    • You hanging out with your own mom is different, you guys can go out together and celebrate each other (while hubby stays at home and watches the kids). Same if he celebrated Father’s Day with his own dad. But for a husband to leave his wife with their young children who are too young to understand to celebrate her and take his mom out? I’m sorry that’s rude. The writer didn’t say blow off your mom, get her flowers or do something different with her another time but when you’re married you should put your wife FIRST before the mom until the kids are old enough to do it themselves and then when they get married it should start all over again.

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