Dear Husbands,
It’s not much of a surprise that relationships between married women and their mothers-in-law can be… well, complicated. And perhaps the holiday that encompasses that the most is Mother’s Day. And guys, we know: You’re really, really caught in the middle. Your mother expects you to do something for her. Your wife wants to feel special, too. And you probably just want to make everyone happy. But here’s something, from all of us wives out there, that you really, really need to know: Guys, Mother’s Day is not about your mom. Not anymore, anyway.
We get it, you spent your entire life doing something special for her on Mother’s Day. You love her. You’re grateful for the sacrifices she made for you. These are all good things. But now you’re married, and your wife has given you children of your own. That means your focus, your priority, needs to shift from your mother, to the mother of your children. She takes precedence now. (Sorry, mothers-in-law.)
Right now, your wife is in the trenches. She’s going through the most difficult part of motherhood. She’s dealing with tons of stress and frustration every single day, whether it be crying babies and dirty diapers, toddler temper tantrums and potty training, or insane loads of homework, bullies, and adolescence. Being a mom means being selfless, pretty much every moment of every day. She’s always worrying about someone else, fixing everyone else’s problems, and rarely takes time for herself. Guys, your mom did all of this, too — but those days, for her, are over. So on Mother’s Day, you need to make the day special for your wife first and foremost.
Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean forget your mom altogether. By all means, send your mom flowers. Get her a lovely gift. But ask your wife what she wants to do on Mother’s Day first, and if the answer is not “go to my mother-in-law’s house,” then don’t drag everyone to go see your mother. After all, it’s not Grandparent’s Day (and yes, that’s a real day, guys). There are other days you can devote to showering your mom with attention and gifts and pampering. On Mother’s Day, you need to focus on the woman who is currently in the throes of motherhood.
Let’s say that you really want to spend time with your mom on Mother’s Day — well, have no fear, because there are still ways to make this a win-win situation. There are a couple of options here: First, you can see your mom the Saturday before Mother’s Day. The second, and likely better, option? Pack up your kids, and take them to your mom’s house… without your wife. Plan a special day for her that she can have all to herself — a nice brunch, a mini shopping spree, the chance to see that movie she’s been wanting to see, a day at a spa, or heck, even just the ability to enjoy her empty house where she can read and nap without getting interrupted a million times by tiny people who always need something. Moms rarely get time alone, and this can give her the opportunity to get a much-needed break for rest and relaxation, while you still get to spend time with your mom.
Of course, there might be the chance that your wife says she wants to spend the day together, as a family — no mother-in-law’s house. And in that case, then sorry, guys, but you’re going to have to cut the apron strings and put your wife first. She should be the main woman in your life now. You should be treating her like that every day, but especially on Mother’s Day.
One last note: Us moms, we’re not saying you shouldn’t do anything for your mom on Mother’s Day. Again, get a gift for her! Do something special for her. But just remember who the main mom in your life is now. And for the love of all that is holy, do not make your wife responsible for your mom’s Mother’s Day. Your wife should not be worrying about making sure your mom has a fantastic Mother’s Day while her special day is all but forgotten. Your wife doesn’t need to be picking out your mom’s gift or planning a visit to her house or arranging a Mother’s Day brunch for your mother. You need to take on the responsibility of doing something nice for your mom, but especially something nice for your wife. It’s a lot, we know. But trust us, feeling special and loved and valued, and being put first for one day out of the year… it goes a long way for us moms, especially as we’re battling the everyday stresses of motherhood. We’re not saying not to remember your mom; we’re just saying, don’t forget us, either. Because, sorry guys, but a day dedicated to making your mom feel honored doesn’t make us feel that great. So for today, put us first.
Love,
Wives and Moms Everywhere
I agree with Patricia Smith. I feel hurt today because I have a 17 year old son (one child) who did not say anthing to me today to acknowledge Mother’s Day. My husband said Happy Mother’s Day when I woke up. Nothing else all day, not a card, nothing. At my mothers house we got together as a family with siblings. I heard what other moms got as gifts. Glad they didn’t ask me! My parents would have looked at my husband and son with great disappointment. As an adult you know better than to lean on the excuse of how it was in your house growing up. As an adult it’s poor to lean on that. Everyone around you is buying flowers, cards, etc. It’s the fathers job to raise kids to honor their mother. Part of rearing a kid. It’s parental malpractice not to. So it’s 11:38 pm, Mother’s Day is over and I’m sad. Sad that my husband doesn’t man up and move my son to do what’s right. I’m mad, hurt and question my husbands love for me. I’m sad. We’re not poor. My mother in law passed away. My husband hardly did a thing for her either. I had to do it. Some men hide behind their excuses but there is no excuse. Period.
Amen to that! We women only really get 2 a year for ourselves, our birthdays and Mother’s Day if we’re lucky enough to have kids. Mine husband at least got me a Mother’s Day card but the days prior to, he left me guessing not knowing if we were going to do anything on Mother’s Day as he doesn’t speak to his mom at all now. Of course we ended up going to his favorite place and of course we ended up doing everything he wanted that day. I guess I should not have expected anything different as he normally does what he wants to do the rest of the year anyway. We don’t have children together as it is the 2nd marriage for both of us, but I did ask him why so cool towards me on Mother’s Day. I’ve always felt that if you don’t give me a heads up the day before that we’re going somewhere at a certain time you need to at least help out so we can leave when you want to. Instead I had all the usual chores in the morning and had to run out the door as he pulled the car out into the driveway and sat in it for 15 minutes waiting for me instead of asking if I needed any help. This was only the beginning of his in consideration of no hand-holding that day and his walking in front of me at a fast pace. He could have at least told me we were eating outside so I could bring a sweater (I had a long sleeve shirt on but it was not enough and he had on 2 shirts) so I was cold the entire time. He had brought with him an extra shirt but didn’t tell me I was going to need one too. The worst was after he got done eating he got up and walked over to another spot and sat there by himself until I was done eating do… at that point I was fuming. Of course we had an argument when we got home with me asking why he could not be nice to me for at least one day. It was obvious to me he that he did not want to take me out on Mother’s Day. His reply was “you’re not my mother so why do I need to do anything special for you?”.
Well at least he told you Happy Mother’s Day…I didn’t even get that and just found out I’m pregnant with child number 3! He lost his mother three years ago and every year since this has been his reason not to celebrate me over the grief of his mother. I feel like losing your mom should encourage you to help your kids celebrate their mom while they have her. It doesn’t have to be grand.
This is a very selfish article. No the wife does not take his mother’s place. They have their own places. Getting married does not mean you dump your family. We, moms of the younger kids, need to think how would you feel when someone takes your rights away. We are not the only ones raising kids, they did too. You are the perfect example of what is wrong about women these days. Its all about YOU. You can have a 1000 items wishlist for your kids but have no right to object your husband celebrating his mom.looking for some attention from your husband, not the kids the Wait for valentines day.
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Excuse me? No. Not sure about everyone else but Valentines Day is a damn near pointless day. Mother’s Day isn’t about romance. It is about celebrating the woman who gave birth to your children or to you. For 18+ years your mother gets the sole attention on this day. When you get married and your spouse gives birth the day ceases being solely about your own mother. It becomes about your wife. Your mother had every mother’s day to herself for over 18 years. It is now the wife’s turn. The article doesn’t say ignore your mother. It says stop making it all about your mother when you have a wife and children. For 12 years my ex did NOTHING for me on mother’s day. I had to buy the card for his mom, order her flowers…do everything to celebrate her. But never did he celebrate me. It was a slap in the face. I did everything in the house, raised our kids with very little help from him, dealt with his abuse and BS….but he couldn’t even bother to get me a damn card for Mother’s Day. Yeah no….it is not about your MIL.
I totally agree. The woman who wrote This post must be a selfish millennial
Hmm i hope this doesn’t sound condescending because we likely have different religious beliefs but The Bible states very clearly that men are to leave and cleave from their families and join with their wives becoming 1 flesh.
As a mother myself I know I will be teaching my boys to take care of their wives and not my emotional well being. That is my husbands job and not my sons job.
Thank You, I read this article and was like wow. What a selfish little twit. Obviously, a young mother who doesn’t give a damn about her own mother or his. Did you do anything for your mother on mother’s day? That would be my question. He can celebrate both. One should never be more important than another. And she is the one that brought him into this world. Without him you wouldn’t have him. JS.
Exactly
Did she say dump and disregard your own mother? No. She said you can do something for your mother but it’s not that hard to make plans the day before Mother’s Day or the weekend before whatever. Your wife should take priority on Mother’s Day. The last thing a mom of especially young children wants to do on Mother’s Day is have to gather children to go to her MIL’s.
My spouse ditches me alone on Mother’s Day to spend the entire day with his mother and doesn’t express an ounce of gratitude for me on that day.
This woman is right that we are in the most difficult part of motherhood we have to be the opposite of selfish every second of every day. His mother no longer has to do that. She’s free to treat herself as often as she likes and does just that.
A good MIL would encourage her son to make that day special for her DIL because she’s been there and knows what it’s life to care for your children 24/7 365. I know I will encourage my son to treat his wife on Mother’s Day and really make her feel special and valued. We can have lunch the day before or something.
The family you create should come first and be your priority once you create one. You can still make time for your own mother just do it the day before.
I hand make my MILs gifts and go above and beyond for her on every holiday he never has to lift a finger so the least I can have is one day to feel like I’m valued.
Yes, thank you! I would be ashamed if my own child put me over their spouse or didn’t take their desires for the day into consideration while they were raising young children.
Amen . Its Mothers day not wife’s day. Valentines, anniversary and birthday and you have him all year buying for you and doing things. Give us mothers one day. Call dont text her and send something, no excuse with internet and buying on line.
I soooo very much agree with you, AishMalik! Thank you for expressing it so well. I do believe one of my sons has asked his wife to pick out a plant for me, and I’m not sure why when it would’ve meant a ton more if he had taken the time. He is extremely busy working and getting his degree and with kids, all the while his wife and stepdaughter spend all the money. 😔. To the wives currently raising the kids…you have our sons everyday, be thankful! I for one miss my grown children, especially sons, because they DO, everyday, put you first! Heck, sometimes you wives do a hell of a job kicking grandma (Mother in law) to the curb. My advise, rethink that before he rethinks you! RespectIng your elders is never a bad idea.
I get what you are saying, but your son isn’t your partner. He isn’t supposed to fill an emotional void for you. In your comment you managed to speak against both your daughter-in-law and her daughter in one breath. How much did you embrace your mother in law? People simply want and deserve their own space to lead their lives without the expectations of parents or spouse’s parents held over them. I have two son’s and when they marry I pray God prepares me to understand and accept that their wives are to be celebrated as the mother of their children. Now yes as parents we sacrifice and try to give the world to our children, but that should go without the expectations of being celebrated in return. It’s hard I am sure. But it is life, I would challenge you to do something for your daughter-in-law for mother’s day. It may change your understanding of one another. You didn’t say much but what you did say was revealing that you don’t care for her or her daughter. Look within if you want things to improve.
Very well said! I was thinking the exact same thing.
I consider myself a fair person. I am the mother of two grown children. On Mother’s Day I always made sure my husband went to visit his mom on Mother’s Day with flowers and a nice card. He would come home later and we would have a nice family day. It’s outright selfish and ignorant to think this day is all about the wife. It’s Mother’s Day, not wife’s day. Your son is going to grow up someday and take a wife. Let’s see how you feel when your daughter-in-law thinks the day is only about her and leaves you in the lurch. Be kind and considerate. It’s not all about you.
You are absolutely correct. Of course his wife must come first. But always include both her Mom and his
You’re so right. What Goes around comes around
But then who will celebrate mothers who have young children and are actively parenting? They get nothing because their children are too young to plan anything? Is it so much to ask that a husband recognize his spouse who BROUGHT HIS CHILDREN INTO THE WORLD?!
Goodness, it seems like people have lost some perspective here. The author didn’t say to abandon your own mother, just to make sure that you take your wife’s wishes into consideration and give a bit more weight to that over your mother on the day of. I don’t think it’s emotionally healthy for parents of grown children to expect that their emotional desires come before that of their child’s spouse.
It is funny to see that so many mostly men and the type of mother’s that interfere in their son’s relationships are unhappy with this article! The point is that if you do not put your wife first then you will not be married for long! There is a reason why the Bible says so shall a man leave his mother and farther and cleave unto his wife! If you cannot grasp this simple concept get ready for divorce! How many have you had already!
Shame on you “ROSE 🥀” That you use the Bible as an excuse of YOUR selfishness all about you.
That’s why I would assume you are divorced, and don’t think we’ll be again. You obviously don’t honor your parents and you should have an everlasting life! The concept is cut clear and dry “YOUR MOTHERRRRRRRR”. You should honor your mother, husband should take your kids to do something nice for you, if you have kids or even if you are a MOTHER!. And Valentine’s Day for you selfish.
I guess my situation is a little different but my mil totally crapped on my first Mother’s Day last year. To start off, I used to spend the Friday before Mother’s Day (Mexican Mother’s Day) with her and then Sunday with my own mother (husband was more than welcome to join us or go to his moms. His choice). I would buy her a gift and make sure she had a card and flowers. Fast forward to the year I was pregnant. My FIL and BIL wished me a happy Mother’s Day when I walked into the house for Mexican Mother’s Day. MIL quickly reminded them that I wasn’t a mother yet. Mind you I was 5 months pregnant AND I had miscarried my second baby only 9 months prior. I was already a mother, but not in her eyes. I shrugged it off as her personality and went about the day. Fast forward to my first official Mother’s Day (during the pandemic) and I planned a quiet dinner at home and invited my mother. Husband went to visit his mother on Friday (Mexican Mother’s Day) and Sunday MIL calls my husband to invite us over (me, LO and him). I was already spending the day with my daughter and mother. I picked out her flowers and card that my husband took her on Friday (she didn’t even say thank you or acknowledge it but whatever). My husband tells her that he’ll go over which I was totally cool with and she threw a fit that me and lo weren’t going. Then she called me and told me I needed to visit her because I hadn’t for Mexican Mother’s Day and that today was her day too (Sunday). I told her I was celebrating my first Mother’s Day and that my mom came over and brought flowers for me and a handmade card and my dad treated us both to dinner. I told her it was hurtful that she expected our presence but then didn’t feel like she should acknowledge me at all on Mother’s Day. She then said “you’re not my and I don’t need to wish you a happy Mother’s Day. Not today and not any future Mother’s Day.” I told her that was fine and I respected her decision. But by her definition she’s also not my mother nor is she the mother of my child. She’s my husbands mother and if we she can’t acknowledge that I’m a mother too then we’re better off not spending the day with her. But that my husband (her son) was more than welcome to go over to her house. Which he did.
For Mother’s Day she doesn’t spend time with her own MIL who lives up the street. Her husband goes in the morning and hangs out with his mom. Then she has her children over and and her son (bil) and his partner go over with their kids and she doesn’t recognize her as a mother either. The entire day is dedicated for mil and her alone. That’s totally fine if bil’s partner has decided that she’s ok with that but I’m not. Like I said my husband is more than welcome and also encouraged to go to his mothers on Mother’s Day. But me and my baby are spending the day together because I’m her mother and she’s my child and I choose to spend Mother’s Day with my mother too because we celebrate one another and it’s a nice feeling.
Well, when your sons stop celebrating you on Mother’s Day to celebrate their wives and your daughters stop celebrating you to celebrate themselves, pat yourself on the back for “raising them right” and enjoy your alone time.
When a woman is of the age to have married children, she has plenty of alone time whenever she wants it, thank you. A generation or two ago, Sunday and holidays found parents in law and parents and their children and THEIR children together and it seemed bonds were stronger than they are today.
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Way to go Nikki! We’ll said. We have been together for 18 years and I have celebrated my Mother, Mother in Law, and Grandmothers. I thank God for them..but,, one year my Mother said ” You are a Mother now too, you deserve to spend your day as you wish. As long as I’m acknowledged I’m appreciative” I literally coukd have cried. My children are extremely young but, I pray that there’s going to come a time when my daughter is a wife
and Mother. My son will be a husband and father I pray I have an understanding and unselfish heart to share and allow them their turn too. All Mothers deserve that love on Mother’s Day.
Oh, these created holidays that put so much pressure on everyone! Too many expectations, too many forced expressions of love on a particular day. Best idea would be to stop all the madness and show regular love and appreciation to each other just because we want too, not because some commercially created holiday has appeared on our calendars.
This is the worse article I have read on the subject. Well, I couldn’t get passed the first paragraph! How can you tell a man that Mother’s Day isn’t about HIS mother anymore??? It’s MOTHER’S DAY! Whether he is married with children or not, his mother will always be his mother! His wife is not his MOTHER! A man should teach his children to honor their mother on Mother’s Day and set the tone going forward, but does he tell his young son, don’t worry honey, you only have to do this until you get married, then she’s no longer important or your mom! As a young mother, how would you feel if your son didn’t give you love on Mother’s Day? Is that just supposed to magically change when he grows up? Apparently you only have young children and are very selfish. A fine young man, in my opinion, takes time to honor the mother of his children AND the woman who raised him to be that fine young man.