Dear Husbands,
It’s not much of a surprise that relationships between married women and their mothers-in-law can be… well, complicated. And perhaps the holiday that encompasses that the most is Mother’s Day. And guys, we know: You’re really, really caught in the middle. Your mother expects you to do something for her. Your wife wants to feel special, too. And you probably just want to make everyone happy. But here’s something, from all of us wives out there, that you really, really need to know: Guys, Mother’s Day is not about your mom. Not anymore, anyway.
We get it, you spent your entire life doing something special for her on Mother’s Day. You love her. You’re grateful for the sacrifices she made for you. These are all good things. But now you’re married, and your wife has given you children of your own. That means your focus, your priority, needs to shift from your mother, to the mother of your children. She takes precedence now. (Sorry, mothers-in-law.)
Right now, your wife is in the trenches. She’s going through the most difficult part of motherhood. She’s dealing with tons of stress and frustration every single day, whether it be crying babies and dirty diapers, toddler temper tantrums and potty training, or insane loads of homework, bullies, and adolescence. Being a mom means being selfless, pretty much every moment of every day. She’s always worrying about someone else, fixing everyone else’s problems, and rarely takes time for herself. Guys, your mom did all of this, too — but those days, for her, are over. So on Mother’s Day, you need to make the day special for your wife first and foremost.
Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean forget your mom altogether. By all means, send your mom flowers. Get her a lovely gift. But ask your wife what she wants to do on Mother’s Day first, and if the answer is not “go to my mother-in-law’s house,” then don’t drag everyone to go see your mother. After all, it’s not Grandparent’s Day (and yes, that’s a real day, guys). There are other days you can devote to showering your mom with attention and gifts and pampering. On Mother’s Day, you need to focus on the woman who is currently in the throes of motherhood.
Let’s say that you really want to spend time with your mom on Mother’s Day — well, have no fear, because there are still ways to make this a win-win situation. There are a couple of options here: First, you can see your mom the Saturday before Mother’s Day. The second, and likely better, option? Pack up your kids, and take them to your mom’s house… without your wife. Plan a special day for her that she can have all to herself — a nice brunch, a mini shopping spree, the chance to see that movie she’s been wanting to see, a day at a spa, or heck, even just the ability to enjoy her empty house where she can read and nap without getting interrupted a million times by tiny people who always need something. Moms rarely get time alone, and this can give her the opportunity to get a much-needed break for rest and relaxation, while you still get to spend time with your mom.
Of course, there might be the chance that your wife says she wants to spend the day together, as a family — no mother-in-law’s house. And in that case, then sorry, guys, but you’re going to have to cut the apron strings and put your wife first. She should be the main woman in your life now. You should be treating her like that every day, but especially on Mother’s Day.
One last note: Us moms, we’re not saying you shouldn’t do anything for your mom on Mother’s Day. Again, get a gift for her! Do something special for her. But just remember who the main mom in your life is now. And for the love of all that is holy, do not make your wife responsible for your mom’s Mother’s Day. Your wife should not be worrying about making sure your mom has a fantastic Mother’s Day while her special day is all but forgotten. Your wife doesn’t need to be picking out your mom’s gift or planning a visit to her house or arranging a Mother’s Day brunch for your mother. You need to take on the responsibility of doing something nice for your mom, but especially something nice for your wife. It’s a lot, we know. But trust us, feeling special and loved and valued, and being put first for one day out of the year… it goes a long way for us moms, especially as we’re battling the everyday stresses of motherhood. We’re not saying not to remember your mom; we’re just saying, don’t forget us, either. Because, sorry guys, but a day dedicated to making your mom feel honored doesn’t make us feel that great. So for today, put us first.
Love,
Wives and Moms Everywhere
I think a lot of women commenting on this post are missing the point entirely. She is not saying that husband’s should leave their own mothers in the dust on mothers day! She is simply saying do not forget about your WIFE, the woman who has beared your children. When your children are small, they aren’t capable of putting together a dinner reservation, cooking, or buying flowers and if the husband doesn’t do it, who will? Any decent MIL should WANT her son to to treat his wife (the mother of his children, and HER grandkids) to a nice mothers day. That doesn’t mean he isn’t also doing something nice for his own mother. The fact that women commenting on this post automatically correlate their sons making their wife a priority as a personal defeat is VERY telling. You should be PROUD that you raised a thoughtful and caring son. I do not get why MIL always feel the need to “compete” with their DIL. It’s weird, and extremely unhealthy and toxic. You should talk to someone about that.
Do you know what I want for mother’s day? One holiday where I don’t have to parade my children from one house to the next to be sure that we spend breakfast with my ex mother in law, lunch with my future mother in law, and dinner with my mom. I thank my mother and yours for all that they’ve done as mothers and continue to do as grand parents, but what about my feelings on mother’s day? What if I just want to spend the day at home or hiking with my kids instead of planning and packing special meals for my food allergy kids who’ll be sick by the end of the day anyway? By all means, go see your mom, but why do I have to give up my day so that your mother can have hers? I work all week, don’t make me drag my kids to 3 different houses on mother’s day.
I’m “the husband/dad” and fully agree with you. My wife’s parents have been divorced my wife was 2 years old and she still feels the need to please both of her parents, so every holiday, we end up driving to see her mom and her new husband, and then to her dad’s to see him and his new wife. It’s not a close drive and puts a lot of stress and pressure on us and our kids. For once, I want my wife to do what SHE wants for HER Mother’s Day, not to please her mommy (in this case) and daddy. For the record, my mom is still alive and I give up seeing her so I can help my kids celebrate THEIR mom.
Sounds to me like every woman here so offended by this article… only read the title. When a mother has a son, she has very possessive traits. So reading anything in this nature is going to frustrate you to no end…. however. Once again, like MANY MANY woman stated.. no one said for them to not celebrate their mother’s!! Not once! Not at all! Get them a gift, a card! Visit. Whatever! But once you have children with someone, making their “parents” day, mother’s or Father’s Day special is more important! End of story! If you have young children it is up to the father to encourage, provide, and teach THEIR children. NOT YOUR CHILDREN! Their children to appreciate their mother’s. Is he neglecting you as his mother? No. Get over yourself. You got a card, you got a happy Mother’s Day, and you may have gotten flowers or a visit. And if you didn’t… then you must have been the reason your son doesn’t value his relationship with you, because even as an adult you have had the mind frame that well since I’m your mother.. I am most important. This is actually, in the long run… YOU being selfish. Parents are to provide, protect, nurture, guide.. show LOVE. Show how to treat other human beings. If your son provides Mother’s Day gifts, or cards or hell even a call? You know who taught them that? THEIR FATHERS! Because their fathers praised you on Mother’s Day. And put you first. Get off your high horses, put the little green monster back under the bed where JEALOUSY belongs, and remember that your daughter in laws are the MOTHER of your grandchildren. And if your SONS don’t put them first, no one will! And always always always remember. The family in which you came from is VERY important. But the family you create is even more important. You are so caught up and SELFISH thinking you come first. And when your son is married… how would you feel getting NOTHING on Mother’s Day. No card, no happy Mother’s Day, no flowers, NOTHING because your husbands MOTHER made him feel like since she is his mother that’s most important? No. The roles would be very much reversed if so! Your sons cherish you because someone TAUGHT them too. So damnit Teach your children to cherish the women they marry, the women they build a family with, have children with, grow old with! And for those of you upset about your child not caring about YOUR Mother’s Day if they are adults and married themselves. Maybe take a step back, reverse your current memory for a second and ask yourself what YOU did to YOUR child that made him not care about you, or resent you? And for those of you saying about respecting your elders. Shame on you. Teaching CHILDREN that is one thing. But once they are adults, if they’ve developed an opinion of you, by themselves? It doesn’t matter how old you are! Adults being disrespected are absolutely allowed to not tolerate it! You get what you give! Once again. Get off your high horses! And for those of you, disgracing against millennials… shame on you. They fought their way to the top, have families, great jobs, paying off school loans, own their own homes.. and both parents work full time while raising children! I’m not even a millennial! But take a step back and realize most of you baby boomers, raised children while staying home and your husband worked! You had time for your children. You got to cook, and clean… booooohoooooo imagine working 40+ hours a week, and THEN doing the extra things you did? Yeah. You couldn’t! Half of you in your age now if not more than half… may have truly NEVER worked a day in your life while raising a family.. I’m done now. Get your crap together. Your son is NOT your possession… especially after he is married with children!
They should make a wife day if that’s what they want.
I couldn’t agree more! And have said pretty much this exact thing for years. Spot on, mama!
Thanks for this. This made me feel better. I thought I was being a dick about not wanting my mother-in-law to visit after church for cake and coffee. I didn’t want to now HOST and was feeling resentful about cleaning and now planning. Sometimes my husband doesn’t get it.
So let me get this straight since your mom is now old and had her time, she should be pushed back and be only given flowers and a card. (Thx mom for giving me life and sacrificing countless hrs for me being the man that I am, but I have a wife now and is her day. So enjoy the flowers and card and enjoy your time alone without my dad who passed away. Thx) Of course I appreciate my wife and her being a mom but it will be a cold day in hell when I give her this day over my mom, My mom deserves it and nothing should change that situation when she is living and breathing. Please guys don’t break your mom’s hearts by listening to this extremely selfish article.
Marriage is all about forging a new family identity with your spouse. It’s not that your parents get forgotten, it’s that your priorities shift. Your mother gave you life, but your wife gave YOUR BABIES life. Is that not equally important? The article didn’t say to ignore your mother, it said to take your wife into consideration and follow her lead if she is the one actively parenting.
I wish the day was never created; so you mean to tell me that one day out of the year to dedicate to my mom is a problem, when I’ve spent 364 days making sure that a roof is over our heads, we have food, and we are secure. I’m sure there are times when your husband has made you breakfast in bed, paid for you to go to the spa or to the nail salon. Surprised you with a dinner date or made dinner for you, massages, foot rubs, etc.. When you go out for ladies night, give you the money to enjoy yourself. If your husband does some of those things for you throughout the year, why get so angry if he doesn’t get you a gift, have you forgotten all the wonderful things he’s done for you prior to Mother’s Day. Many husbands don’t get to spend as much time with mom, so wives, some of you are fussing over 1 day with mom, when you have 364 days with her son.
Well said! I enjoy my husband all year and I love that on Mothers Day he spends the entire day with his mother. On Father’s day, guess who gets to enjoy their dad all, ME! Let’s be fair ladies 🙂
Wow, I learned a lot from reading the comments. I feel foolish for including my own mother for a lunch with us on Mother’s day or even bringing the kids over for a bit and bringing her flowers. Of course, my wife’s first priority, and I do very special things for her like breakfast in bed, flowers, gifts, an activity, and a nice meal. Then I let her rest towards the end of the day and see my mother with the kids. But there has been some Mother’s day, especially after my father passed away, that I tried to include my mother like inviting her to lunch or even spend the day with us, where my wife would get annoyed at. I guess one would really understand the impact when it happens to them. All the comments sound selfish. As a man, for fathers day, spending time with my kids and my kids showing appreciation is more important to me than worrying about my father-in-law joining the party or even my wife, including my father in law to spend the day with us. I am a father because of my kids, and spending time with them is enough to celebrate the day of recognition. The pressure and arguments over mother’s day, fathers day, Christmas, etc are absolutely unnecessary. Being with family is important, but it seems that the attention overpowers it; what a shame. When that person is gone, all you’re going to worry about is being by their side and nothing else at all.
My husband of 35 years has NEVER thought of me on Mother’s Day. Sure, I raised 2 wonderful kids, now in their middle twenties….but before the kids came — nothing. After the kids left — nothing. Not even a half-assed mumble, “Happy Mother’s Day.” He thinks it’s a holiday for his mom, my mom, our children to remember me, but never — EVER should he feel compelled to think he ought to recognize me on this special day.
It slices my heart in half…makes me sooo sad on the day, the day after, and all year long until the next time this dreaded day rolls around again.
We had a chance to have brunch together on Sunday with our daughter, but because the plans changed at the last minute, he didn’t make the effort to even go.
No card. No word of thanks. Nothing
And then later that night when we’re working on something at the computer together, he is clueless why I am so sad still. It’s not like I didn’t mention that I would appreciate a little “shout out” for being the mother of his children, I would have been thrilled and completely satisfied with just a kiss, a hug, and a sincere “thank you, hon,” but nothing. Absolutely nothing.
So am I being selfish or self centered for wanting some minor effort or nod from my husband on this day?
It’s such a bone of contention, I dare not speak of it again — lest I blow up in tears and frustrated anger.
I always think of him on Father’s Day. Always. He was a great dad and continues to be. I want him to know that I appreciate that about him.
So what do I do to work through my bitterness over the way he makes me feel? He doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong — and would never admit to purposely hurting me — but he is not only hurting me, he’s crushing my heart with his apathy.
Nothing. He doesn’t think I deserve it? He assumes I know he’s appreciative? He’s lazy? I don’t even know who this man in around the 2nd Sunday in May….every year. Every year there is sadness.
I don’t want to cry to my friends or strangers…as I would just rather work through my own disappointment and just suck-it-up-buttercup until the worst of the sorrow passes.
So, if any man feels this way about this holiday when relation to your wife’s role in it — just know that there are other women like me who feel crushed when our husbands blow off the day like it’s just “another day off work.”. Don’t do that to her, because in two shakes she’ll be gone forever, and you’ll miss her.
Just a mumbling word would have been thrilling.
Nothing. I got nothing.