Signs You May Need a Relationship Check-Up

Couple

When you sneeze your body is giving you a sign of some sort of trouble. Allergy? Flu? Fluke? If you then get a fever and your throat hurts you know to take medication or go to the doctor. It is concrete. There is no guessing. It seems harder to recognize when a marriage is sick.

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, every once in a while I see people that have been in distress too long before they arrive in my office. They are successful, smart and likable people. They may be profoundly unhappy in their relationship. They usually have been experiencing relationship issues for years, but they may have been reluctant to find help. They keep sneezing and waiting for it to go away. I have heard it all: significant others that did not see the sneezes as serious issues, belief that issues could be resolved on its own, financial concerns, fears of judgment, etc. All are reasonable reasons that prevent people from seeking treatment.

If your relationship is sick, therapy will likely be cheaper and less emotionally distressing than a divorce. Of course, no one wants to look for help if they don’t need it. The issue here is that the longer we wait, the worse it becomes. A common therapist answer is “it took you a while to get here, it will take you a while to overcome these issues.” Most of us understand this, but we want to feel better immediately.

The average married couple waits six years before they arrive at a counselor’s office. Considering that most counselors have minimal training in relationship therapy, some people may even go to different counselors before finding one that is knowledgeable enough. It is a waste of precious time.

I would like to help you figure out when it is time to find help in your relationship. Most people have lists of “when your relationship is in trouble.” Do we know what is a HEALTHY relationship? Here is what we know is healthy:

  • There is humor in your relationship
  • You are friends and lovers
  • There is more positive than negative in your interactions
  • You can think of good times and enjoy talking about it
  • You hear and understand each other even when you don’t agree

Here are some signs your relationship is sick:

  • You don’t laugh with each other
  • You have more fun with the cashiers at Target than your mate
  • Criticism, blame and general negative feelings happen more than positive ones
  • It feels like you are both walking on eggshells
  • You are getting sicker more often (this is research based- relationships affect our physical health)
  • You don’t feel heard
  • You are doing things that you usually would not do. This results in guilt, shame or depression.
  • Eating chocolate is better than having sex (things were getting a little too serious here).
  • You think about the D word and may even have said it
  • You feel distant from your partner

If this is you, there is hope. First, if you are not married yet, do a premarital program. This will decrease your chances of divorce. If you are married already, try one of these:

  • Be intentional about your interactions. Plan outings, and decide to get to know each other again
  • Go to therapy with a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist or someone with extensive training in couples work. Most mental health professionals (social workers, counselors, psychologists or psychiatrists) have minimal background on couples’ dynamics.
  • Work on increasing your positive interactions. Look for the good in your spouse and comment on it.
  • Learn communication skills. Hear first, speak later, share power.
  • Think of when your relationship was healthier. What were you doing that worked? It is likely to work again.
  • Remind yourself of the reasons to stay married.
  • Share with your partner that couples who attend therapy together improve more than individuals who seek therapy individually. Actually, if you go to therapy individually for relationship issues you are more likely to get a divorce than if you go as a couple.

I am confident that if you do these things, your relationship will change. It will take time, it will take work, but it is possible to improve it. Just like a cold takes time to go away, healing from past relationship hurts and getting back to a healthier relationship will take time. Start early at the first sneeze and you will have less work and less time to wait for improvement. Don’t delay, start now for faster healing.

Check out my other Jax Moms Blog guest post, Nobody Told Me Kids Were Bad for My Marriage.

About the Author

Sabrina BowenSabrina Bowen, LMFT, Qualified Supervisor

Sabrina is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). She is trained to work with individuals, couples, and families. As a couples and family therapist, she is uniquely trained to deal with the dynamics in interactions between two or more people.

Sabrina obtained her Master of Science degree from the University of Maryland. Sabrina has been practicing therapy since 1999. She has provided therapy in many settings, including private practice, church, school, and an inpatient and outpatient hospital. She has helped individuals who are struggling with a variety of issues (e.g., depression, substance abuse, separation, academics, etc.). Sabrina believes in keeping up with the newest research to provide individuals with therapy that is effective and efficient.

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