There’s a club that many moms don’t like to talk about. It’s the miscarriage club. The sad and realistic statistic is that 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. You have either had one (or multiple) or you know someone who has. So why don’t we talk about it? It’s sad, depressing, and to be frank, our husbands and friends have no idea how we feel or what to say.
I’m part of the club. I lost my first baby when I was 19 weeks pregnant. It was a horrific day and the details I remember so clearly. I was getting ready to host a housewarming party. I was at the stove making a pot of chili when I felt a warm liquid run down my leg. It was my first pregnancy, so I had no idea my water had just broke. I was rushed to the hospital only to be told that there was no way to save the baby. They induced labor, and I delivered a baby boy who was far too immature to survive. I held him, memorizing his face, ears, tiny hands, and feet. My husband held him too. It was so agonizing. I remember going home and friends would call and email and I couldn’t respond. I let my husband become my secretary. I couldn’t get dressed or put on makeup for weeks. I was incredibly depressed and literally cried every day, sometimes multiple times. My husband was so great. He let me be sad and pathetic. He was patient although he had no idea what I was going through mentally.
My circumstance is certainly more rare than most, but it doesn’t change the fact that if you lost your baby at 19 weeks or 9, it’s awful. From the moment you saw the positive on the pregnancy test you started planning. The nursery, things you would need to buy, maybe even needing to get a bigger car or house. Then when you found out that the baby’s heartbeat was no longer there, or you felt a gush of blood and cramping those dreams of what could have been were ripped away just like that. And friends try so hard to say the right thing but they never do. They say things like, “God has a reason and a plan,” or “At least you already have a healthy baby at home,” or “You can try again.” I’ve heard it all and I’ve learned that the best thing you can say to a woman who has just experienced a miscarriage is nothing. Just listen. Listen to how they are feeling and sympathize with what they are going through. Be supportive by just letting them talk.
There are support groups if you feel that’s right for you. Contact your hospital and they can give you the meeting times and location. I personally felt it too hard to do that, so I found a few online forums where other moms talked about their loss. It helped me realize that although my experience was awful, another mother out there may have just gone through something worse. We all feel the loss of our babies. We remember the day we lost them each calendar year. I know as part of the healing process it helped me to talk about it. So I encourage you to open up about your experience, you may just find that another mom is right there with you and understands how you feel. And it makes it just a little easier to deal with when you know you are not alone.
Tiffany you are so brave to write about your experience. I have had 2 miscarriages and still remember all the details around them so vividly. The best thing anyone did for me was my first day back at work several women, singly came up to me, and told me their stories of their miscarriage. Somehow, the comfort of knowing that I was not alone and others understood my pain, was so comforting. Thank you for sharing. God Bless.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I lost one before Isabel and one the weekend before I joined stroller strength. Even though no one in SS knew it really helped me get through it because all the women were so honest. Things do work out, but that’s not what you want to hear. A good friend of mine came over after the first with magazines and all my favorite candy. We watched a marathon of trashy tv, and that helped so much!
I too lost babies to miscarriage(incompetent cervix)-twin girls. 20 weeks…they would have been 17 this year. It’s hard but talking about it and having support is key. After we lost the girls, we had 3 more beautiful healthy boys. I’m blessed, but I still have a hole in my heart every Thanksgiving day.
Mercedes my heart goes out to you Sarah and Kristina. I know that hole in your heart all too well. I was also diagnosed with incompetent cervix after losing two baby boys separately at 19/20 weeks.Their names were Eli and Weber. I have two beautiful children at home with me now and once they are old enough I’ll tell them the story of their two older brothers.
I was 8 weeks and lost a baby. Woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and had a gush of blood & fluid & a large clot. My first appointment was scheduled for that week. I called my Dr & he had me come in that morning. He didn’t want to do an ultrasound or any procedures that would cause me to start bleeding again. After the initial bleeding I stopped with in 30 minutes. Had me go over 2 weeks & have blood drawn to track my hormone levels. I knew they weren’t coming down. I was still feeling pregnant which meant that there was still tissue inside my body that would have to be removed. Go in to the Dr. After 2 weeks of blood work & he informs me that my levels have steadily risen & he wants to do an ultrasound. There was a live baby in there! But there was also an empty sac. It was twins & I had lost one. I didn’t know this was even possible. Its called vts & is very common. I was over joyed but devastated at the same time. I had a healthy 9lb daughter 4/4/14. Twins run on both sides of our families and have always been boy/girl. So, I assume the baby was a boy & have named him Silas Allen. His sister Georgia Pearl is beautiful & amazing, though I do get sad thinking about him. But I know that when God calls me home, Si will be waiting for me with cuddles & kisses that I dream about.
I just went through a miscarriage. I went in for my 12 week apartment and was supposed to get my results for the gender and down syndrome test only to have a ultrasound with no heart beat. I went to the er e following day and found out I was pregnant with twins and neither had a heart beat. And was told by my ob and er doc to wait it out and they will pass on their own. Christmas night 2015 was horrible. I went into labor and the pains were unbearable. I had to go by ambulance to the emergency room. And after lots of pain meds and still hurting and contacting like crazy I had a d&c done. Coming home and having my boys all me about the baby was the hardest thing ever! It hurts. I still cry to this day. I know I have to stay strong for my boys. But I pray it don’t affect me to much every Christmas from now on. I have to stay strong for my boys.