Let’s be real — parenting can feel like juggling flaming swords sometimes, right? But one thing that’s been on my heart lately is how we can build up our kids’ self-esteem in small, everyday ways. We can’t control everything they experience — but we can help them build a strong foundation of confidence. It doesn’t have to be complicated or “Pinterest perfect,” either. Because here’s the truth: When kids believe in themselves, they show up differently in the world. And that confidence? It starts at home — with us.
READ: What I Wish My Parents Knew When It Came to Self-Esteem
Here’s what’s been working in our house, and I hope it helps in yours, too:
1. Celebrate the effort, not just the outcome. When my kid brings home a drawing, a quiz, or even just an “I tried to make my bed” moment, I try to focus on the effort. I’ll say things like, “I can tell you worked really hard on this,” or “I love how you didn’t give up!” Because honestly, it’s not about being the best — it’s about showing up and trying again.
2. Let them make (and learn from) mistakes. This one’s hard. Like, so hard. But I’ve learned that if I step in every time something goes wrong, I’m accidentally sending the message that they can’t handle it. So now, when my child messes up, I take a breath (sometimes two), and say, “Okay, what can we learn from this?” That tiny shift builds self-esteem like nothing else.
3. Watch how you talk about yourself and model self-kindness. Whew. This one hits deep. I didn’t realize how often I criticized myself out loud: “Ugh, I look so tired,” or “I’m such a mess today.” Our kids are always listening. Now, I try to model kindness to myself. I want them to see that confidence isn’t about perfection — it’s about self-acceptance.
4. Give them real responsibilities (and let them rock it). Whether it’s feeding the dog, setting the table, or picking out their own clothes (yes, even if it’s stripes and polka dots), giving kids age-appropriate responsibilities tells them, “I believe in you.” It builds independence and self-trust.
5. Make time for one-on-one connection. I swear, even 15 minutes of undivided attention can make a huge difference in their self-esteem. No phone. No chores. Just them. It tells your child, “You matter. You’re worth my time.” And honestly? It helps me feel more connected, too. Better yet, be intentional and schedule one-on-one time with each child. Have your child help plan their special time with you.
6. Let them hear you say it out loud. Tell them what you admire about them. “I love how kind you are to your friends.” “You make me laugh every single day.” “I’m so proud of how brave you were today.” Our kids need to hear these things. Often. Out loud. Repeatedly. Catch them doing something good and tell them how it made you feel. Let them overhear you talking about them to your girlfriends or partner, too.
7. Start the day with affirmations. Okay, this one is fun. We do a few affirmations together in the car or over breakfast — nothing long, just a few positive words to set the tone for the day. Words matter. Here are a few you can try:
- “I am kind. I am brave. I am enough.”
- “I can handle hard things.”
- “I believe in myself.”
- “I am a good friend.”
- “I make the world better just by being me.”
- “Helping others helps me feel good, too.”
Sometimes we say them out loud, other times we do call-and-response. It only takes a minute, but it shifts the whole vibe. And honestly, it helps me, too.
8. Help them help others. This is one of my favorite ways to build confidence. When kids get to help someone — whether it’s holding a door, donating toys, or just saying something kind — it lights them up. It reminds them that they matter, and that they can make a difference. Plus, it shifts their focus outward, which is so grounding.
And finally — give yourself some grace. You’re doing an amazing job. There’s no such thing as perfect parenting, only intentional parenting. Your love, your time, your presence — that’s what your kids will remember. If today felt a little messy, that’s okay. Tomorrow’s a fresh start.
So here’s your reminder: Your child is already incredible. You’re just helping them see it, one loving moment at a time. From one mama to another — keep building their self-esteem. You’re raising someone amazing.
