I’m going to share a few insights into the mind of us only children. We often assume everything is about us, we don’t typically like to share, and we sometimes dream of renting hotel rooms just to remember what it’s like to not have so many other people talking and touching our stuff.
That all sounds selfish, but we didn’t have the same upbringing as those in multi-children families. Sure, after my mom remarried, I inherited a stepbrother, but our significant age difference didn’t really offer me that sibling experience. No bathroom sharing. No competing for attention or time with my parents. No sharing of toys. For the better part of my formative years, everything was truly about me.
I’m not going to lie. It was great.
Marriage brought a shift in thinking about someone else’s comfort in addition to my own. Then came parenthood. Suddenly, a tiny being was the center of my world, and I no longer cared that she’d replaced me. Almost two years later, my husband and I welcomed our son, and suddenly, I was a mother of two who came from a home of one. As my kids have grown and I’ve settled into parenting siblings, I’ve learned a great deal about the differences between growing up with a sibling as well as the fact that in some ways, it isn’t all that different.
Sometimes They Hate Each Other Even If They Really Don’t
The first time my kids fought to the point of drawing blood, I was convinced they hated each other. I threatened to throw them in a room to “hug it out” before my husband intervened.
“Siblings fight,” said the half of our marriage who grew up with a sister.
You mean it’s not always like having constant sleepovers with your best friend and living like it’s summer camp every day? Hardly. They’ll find each other’s weaknesses and prey on them. When one is in trouble, the other will look for ways to push that situation over the edge to remind us who our favorite child should be. And just when I think they can’t even stand to be in the same room with each other, my daughter uses her birthday money to buy my son something he really wants.
You Might Love Them Equally But…
Speaking of favorites, it happens – One of the kids will push me so far to my breaking point that even though I still love them, I don’t like them very much.
I’ve learned to accept that my relationships with my children will ebb and flow. There are times when it’s best if my husband deals with my pre-teen daughter and my normally momma’s boy son will push me aside for other things. Relating to one over the other in seasons of life is the beauty of sharing this parenting journey with my husband. We can pick up where the other one left off.
Sibling or Not, People Like Their Stuff
I like my stuff. Much like a 2-year-old, I find myself saying “It’s mine” more than I care to admit. Each day brings a new missing item from my sink – hair ties, lotion, brushes. Whenever my daughter misplaces her items, she marches right into my bathroom like a pirate searching for treasure and takes not only what she misplaced but a few extra items just in case. It’s not just her. There isn’t a day that goes by when my son doesn’t walk into the house and grab whatever I’m drinking to claim as his own. At least he’s learned to ask if it’s a kid-friendly beverage. This only child wants to grab everything she owns and stockpile it for no one to touch, but here’s the thing. They don’t like people touching their stuff either. We almost set off an international event in the London airport because my son touched my daughter’s iPad.
One Size Does Not Fit All
My husband and I created two of the most opposite human beings on the face of the earth. This translates into many disagreements because the one consistent gene we passed along to both of them is the I’m always right gene. These differences apply to parenting as well. Although there are certain, basic expectations we have of both of them, that doesn’t always translate to equal treatment. Bedtimes might be different and punishments won’t always look the same. Much like managing different employees, as parents, we have to know what makes our kids tick, how to get the best out of them each day, and what’s going to help them grow from dependent kids to self-sufficient adults. Beware – just when we say we have this all figured out, they like the flip the switch just to keep us on our toes.
Those are my observations so far, but I’m still learning. In the moments when I find myself in a room with complete silence and no one to be found, my inner only child does a happy dance. Conversely, in the moments when I catch my son sitting on my daughter’s bed asking what it’s like to go to middle school or my daughter fixing her brother breakfast without being asked, I wouldn’t trade giving them both a sibling for anything.
I’m the first of 4 girls in my family. We are all SUPER close in age, therefore have always had similar interests, and worn similar sizes and as a result sharing was just part of growing up for us. You would think with all that practice that I would have gotten used to it… nope, never did. Don’t touch my stuff either!
Right Megan?! When I can’t find my hairbrush and find it in my daughter’s bathroom, it makes me crazy!
I, too, am an only child. As the mother of 2, I’m constantly bewildered by them in that they just can’t leave each other alone. And my husband, who has a sister, informs me that no, they CANT’T leave each other alone! Guess it’s just one of those things I might not ever understand! I appreciated your perspective also…lots similarities!