There’s No Single Definition of ‘Single Mom’

The first time I noticed gatekeeping around the phrase “single mom” was in 2023, on an actress’s Mother’s Day Instagram post, months after separating from her more famous actor husband. Reports later noted that their custody arrangement required her ex to get treatment for alcohol abuse and take breathalyzer tests on his parenting days. In her post, she described the loneliness of being a single mom and parenting two small children without a steady witness by her side.

More than 1,300 comments followed, many furious. The refrain was a now-familiar one: “You’re not a single mom. Don’t insult actual single parents who are wondering where their next dollar is coming from and have absolutely no support system — no family, friends, or ex to lean on.” By the time I saw the post, she had edited the caption, swapping “single mom” with “co-parent.”

I was recently divorced, and I took the backlash as a warning. I stuck to saying I “co-parent,” or at most, that I “solo parent” on the five nights a week I parent on my own. Nights I can’t run out to the store while someone stays with my sleeping child. Mornings when a migraine hits, but there’s no one else to help her get ready for school. Evenings without a teammate to divide and conquer homework, dinner, dishes, and bedtime; when I, alone, act as bug killer, trash-taker-outer, and investigator of unsettling middle-of-the-night noises. Days when I teach, dance, play, and laugh with my daughter, with no other parent seeing or celebrating any of it. And holidays when I plan my own Mother’s Day celebration and fill my own Christmas stocking. I learned early that I wasn’t supposed to call any of this “single parenting.”

In the three years since, I’ve seen numerous arguments about who “counts” as a single mother. The irony is that “single mom” has long been stigmatized; linked, in the public imagination, with neglected kids, chaotic homes, crime, and poverty. It’s been used as an insult: a sign of failure, a cautionary tale. Yet when a mother uses it simply to name the exhaustion, loneliness, or logistics of parenting without another adult in the home, she may be told she doesn’t have it hard enough to claim the title, as though it is a status symbol she has not achieved.

READ: You’re NOT a Single Mom Unless You’re Actually Single

That logic collapses fast. If “actual single parents” are defined as having no money and “absolutely no support system,” what about a mom with no co-parent who earns a good income and can outsource help, or has parents who provide childcare? Does she stop being a single mom? What about a custody-sharing mom who is barely making rent, or has no one to call when she’s running late to afterschool pickup, or whose ex is hostile or unreliable? Does she not qualify? There certainly aren’t universally agreed-upon rules. Mothers who co-parent and avoid calling themselves single moms will inevitably still have that label applied to them by others, and not without judgment (don’t even bother looking at what the manosphere has to say). The policing is inconsistent and rarely to women’s benefit.

Yes, some mothers have more resources and better support systems than others. Income, education, access to childcare, work flexibility, health, family size, and the quality of a co-parenting relationship all shape how manageable daily life feels. But debates over who gets to use which label flatten those realities instead of acknowledging the spectrum of mothers’ experiences.

Parenting without the other parent beside you brings unique challenges, whatever the arrangement. It’s hard to plan holidays alone; it’s hard to spend them without your kids. It’s hard to never have someone tag in; it’s hard to have mandated days without your children. It’s hard to be the only parent making decisions; it’s hard when new parental figures enter the picture. And it can be hard to parent without an everyday teammate who shares routines, traditions, inside jokes, and commiseration. Sometimes we just want a shorthand way to convey that it’s hard.

Motherhood isn’t a competition, and the anger aimed at one another — at a mom’s Mother’s Day post about her own loneliness — is misdirected. If we want to argue, let it be for better support and resources for the moms facing the most grueling circumstances. Otherwise, stop spending energy dictating how women describe their own lives. Whether someone prefers “single mom,” “co-parent,” or “solo parent,” these debates are petty and illogical, pit moms against each other unnecessarily, and distract from what families actually need.

About the Author

Toni Thomas is the grateful mom of one brilliant, funny, and artistic daughter. Her professional background includes nonprofit and educational program coordination. She reads and thinks a lot about motherhood and can often be found writing passionate, long-winded comments in Facebook mom groups. Toni likes secondhand decorating, taking too many pictures, making soup, and living at the beach, where daily life feels a little bit more like vacation.