Behind the Christmas magic, there’s usually a mom making it happen. Whether reminiscing about our own childhoods or seeing the holidays through our children’s eyes, for those who celebrate Christmas, adulthood is realizing that mothers overwhelmingly set the stage for the season’s cozy memories. This can make the holidays feel painful to moms who have entered the world of co-parenting and time-sharing with younger children after a divorce or breakup. We can no longer take for granted that they will be with us every day, and we have less time together to create and maintain holiday traditions. It can be painful to remember years past while our kids make new Christmas memories that we aren’t part of. These changes may feel especially hard during the first holiday season following separation or divorce. Here are some strategies I’ve landed on that might help newly co-parenting moms keep making — and feeling — the holiday magic this year:
View Christmas as a season, not just a day. Set the tone at home with weeks of cozy lights, scented candles, and Christmas books and music. There are many low- and no-cost ways to cultivate a festive atmosphere, like checking out children’s holiday books from the library.
If it appeals to you, embrace a feminine Christmas. In my first year in my new home, I went all in on romantic pink, floral Christmas décor that I happily pulled out again this November.
Make a holiday bucket list. Start with simple things you can do at home with your kids, like baking cookies, watching Christmas movies, or drinking hot chocolate. Then add in a few bigger holiday outings and events. But please, consider a bucket list a source of inspiration, not another to-do list.
If you have the time, volunteer at your kids’ school. Maybe even at a class holiday party. It’s a great way to feel more connected to your children and get to know their teachers and classmates.
Watch for the traditions that develop organically. Only after my third year of taking my daughter to Deck the Chairs did I realize it had become a favorite tradition. Now I look forward to returning each year and find comfort in the familiarity.
Consider committing to taking your kids to one live holiday performance annually. Then give yourself a pat on the back for ensuring they have a little art and culture in their lives. We started with Cirque Dreams Holidaze and then Apex Theatre’s Annie Jr., a one-hour abbreviated version of the classic musical. This year, I’m excited for us to see the Florida Ballet’s 50-minute performance of The Nutcracker in a Nutshell. Hint: Shorter-length performances work well for young kids (and, let’s be honest, probably for some of us parents, too).
When your kids aren’t with you, use your time alone to complete tasks efficiently. This way, you can spend better quality time with them when they are. Whether you knock out routine housework, Christmas shop, or declutter for the New Year (we’re supposed to do that, right?), take advantage of quiet time to be productive. Then you can spend more time with your kids playing board games or taking family walks on the beach.
Don’t forget to enjoy yourself when your kids aren’t with you, too. Plenty of holiday activities are geared toward adults. Personally, I recommend an annual viewing of Christmas romcom perfection, The Holiday. Wander around St. Augustine’s Night of Lights in a leisurely manner that isn’t possible with small children. Take in a performance your kids might be too young to attend; Candlelight Concerts by Fever are calling my name. And don’t be afraid to do some of these things alone.
Share and reduce the workload. Christmas is a labor of love, but we can cut back on the labor while co-parenting. Moms don’t have to do it all or be the only magic-makers. Go all in on Christmas fun during your time, and then turn your kids over to their other parent and extended family for more presents and excitement, while you kick up your feet with Hallmark Channel Christmas movies.
Embrace simplicity and let your Christmas season be lighter. You may have fewer people to schedule around, shop for, and compromise with this year. Skip the traditions that don’t speak to you and your children, and curate a holiday season that resonates with your soul. You may find yourself at the center of a bustling, demanding holiday season again, one day. This year, savor the quiet and calm.
I can’t promise this Christmas season will be easy or painless for moms who are still adjusting to life after separation or divorce. It may be bittersweet, both melancholy and beautiful. But if we never again take our time with our children for granted, and in turn, are intentional about creating meaningful holiday experiences with them, maybe that’s a silver lining. And if you’re a newly single mom coming off years of intensive, round-the-clock, on-duty parenting, then maybe, just maybe, it’s not all bad for you to have some time to yourself this Christmas while co-parenting.
About the Author
Toni Thomas is the grateful mom of one brilliant, funny, and artistic daughter. After spending years working in nonprofit program coordination and management in Jacksonville and throughout Florida, Toni now works as a federal contractor in the field of education. She reads and thinks a lot about motherhood and can often be found writing passionate, long-winded comments in Facebook mom groups. Toni likes secondhand decorating, taking too many pictures, making soup, and generally living at the Beaches, where other people vacation.
