Honest Thoughts On Having a Fifth Baby

PreganancyThe big news is officially out: My husband and I are expecting our fifth baby. Yep, you read that right — we’re having baby number five. In today’s world, that makes us a bit of an anomaly. Most people don’t have big families anymore. The average number of children families have today is two, so a couple with five kids? I already got stares whenever I took my four kids out on an errand; I can only imagine the reactions when I’m toting around five.

The number one question people always have whenever we’ve announced a new pregnancy is, “Was it planned?” I hate that question — does it make a difference? Is it any of your business? But in the interest of honesty, I’ll answer it this time. No, it wasn’t planned. It also wasn’t unplanned. I was surprised when I realized I was pregnant, but mostly because we had been pretty lackadaisical about it all, and it just wasn’t really on my radar.

I had always wanted a big family. I wanted a house filled with kids. I was thrilled each time we got pregnant because it was what I wanted. But this time, when I got that positive pregnancy test, I cried. I was scared, and I didn’t want to tell anyone that I was pregnant for as long as possible. A few close friends were given the news — I cried on the phone to them — but I kept it a secret otherwise. After having Clara, our fourth baby, I felt like I was done having kids. Our family felt complete. And my hands were full enough as it is! Still, I felt sad. Every now and then, I would think about never having another baby — never looking excitedly at ultrasounds, never feeling a baby kick, never anxiously waiting for that moment when I saw my new baby’s face for the first time — and I would feel so sad. I didn’t want another baby, but the thought of never having another one was devastating. (It made about as much sense to me as it does to you.) But still, the reason I was so scared and upset wasn’t because I was having a fifth baby.

It was because I dreaded the reaction I would get.

I sobbed, over and over again, to the few friends I trusted enough to tell that this would not be a baby whose life would be celebrated. It wasn’t just conjectured on my part, either; all I had to do was look back on the reaction we got when we announced that we were pregnant with number four. We constantly got rude, inappropriate, and snarky remarks… usually accompanied by laughter, as if it’s hilarious to joke about someone’s sex life or to tell them they need to stop having children. I didn’t say much at the time, but those comments hurt. They hurt me deeply. And rather than congratulations, we got sneering and scorn.

Don’t you know what causes that?

Man, one of you really needs to get fixed!

Don’t you have any hobbies?

You need to get a TV in your room.

Was this planned?

Are you done now?

You really should stop after this… I mean, enough is enough!

And on and on it went. I knew, with utter and complete certainty, that very few people would offer their sincere congratulations. People would look at us like we were crazy, irresponsible freaks with little self-control. It started after we had Ivy, our third child. She was our first girl, after having two boys. And so we heard all the time how we could “stop” now because we finally had our girl! As if children are a collector’s set, and we were missing a specific piece — now that we had at least one of each gender, we could be done. With Clara, it was as if we needed to apologize for her existence. This attitude came from everywhere — from family members, friends, complete strangers. When you have a big family, virtually everyone feels entitled to comment on your family size, your reproductive choices, and your sex life.

There are some things that I’m slightly nervous about, of course. I’m busy enough with four kids; Lord only knows how it will be once I have five. I’m not looking forward to losing what little sleep I get now. And it sure is nice to have four mostly independent children, who can feed themselves and play together and aren’t reliant on me for every last thing. But I’m also confident in my own abilities as a mother; I know that while having a fifth baby will be difficult, it’s something that I can handle. And I still stand firm by my assertion that the hardest transition wasn’t going from two babies to three, or from three to four… it was going from zero to one. Adjusting to being a mother when I hadn’t been one before was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. With each new baby, I’ve been able to learn a little bit more, and by now? I’m practically an expert.

So my feelings of devastation, whether right or wrong, were almost solely due to my fear of the reactions I would get. I didn’t want to brace myself for people’s cruel comments or thoughtless remarks. I want, so badly, to know that this new life will be cherished and loved and joyously anticipated… if not by the world, then at least by the people who claim to love me.

A big family isn’t for everyone; I know that. I don’t expect people to run out and have a bunch of kids just because that’s the choice my husband and I have made. But if a big family isn’t for you, then try to at least be understanding and accepting of us moms who do have a lot of kids. Don’t make jokes or ask personal questions, no matter how clever or funny you may think they are. Be supportive and be excited for them. And here’s a little tip that applies to all moms: No matter what her situation, there is only one thing to say when a woman tells you that she’s expecting a baby:

Congratulations.

Cassy Fiano-Chesser
Cassy Fiano-Chesser is a Jacksonville native and mom to six kids. Her husband is a Marine Corps veteran and Purple Heart recipient. She works from home as a blogger and a freelance writer, and they currently live in the Argyle area of Jacksonville. Benjamin is their oldest, born in 2011, and he loves being a big brother. Wyatt was born in 2012, and he has Down syndrome. Ivy came next, in 2013, followed by Clara, born in 2015, who is a diva-with-a-capital-D. Rounding out the brood is Felicity, born in 2017, and Lilly, born in 2007. They love discovering things to do on the First Coast and going on family adventures, as well as cheering on the Jumbo Shrimp and the Icemen.

110 COMMENTS

  1. I am right here now…except I haven’t told my husband yet because last year I was pregnant (ended up with a miscarriage at 11 weeeks) when I told my husband he was not thrilled…even though he was always the one that wanted a 5th…so now here I am 6 weeks pregnant, known for a few weeks now and not told anyone but my 2 sisters. I randomly blabbed it out in the restroom when we were out for lunch. They were not thrilled either, they said they were worried I’d have another miscarriage or worried about my health in general. (My 4th ended in an emergency c-section and took it’s toll on me)…still I was hurt…and I knew this would happen…I want to keep the baby a secret for as long as I can so that I can enjoy it…so I don’t have to hear all those comments. I would keep it a secret the whole pregnancy if I could. I am going to try really hard to wait until the first ultrasound to tell my husband…and even then I am not sure how to tell him but I don’t think I can do it face to face…if I see that look of disappointment I just can’t bare it…When I had my last miscarriage I had to have a D&C because my body just wouldn’t miscarry on it’s own…so we had to have a sitter while I was in the hospital and my in-laws kept prodding so my husband told them…well his Mom told everyone…I remember a few weeks later being at a family dinner and his Grandma told me she was sorry for my loss but said I needed to have my husband go get fixed because we shouldn’t have anymore kids…I heard this from a few other relatives…I was so heartbroken…now I am pregnant again and I feel like this one is going to be ok…pretty strong symptoms and dark lines…but like you, I’m not worried at all about how I can handle it, I know I will have no problem with having 5, being a Mother is just what I am good at, and love…it’s all the remarks I am fearing…and it pisses me off because I want this baby to have nothing but positivity around it…nothing but love and support…ok end of ramblings…love this article!!!

  2. Thank you so much for this amazing and inspiring article! I am expecting baby 5, my little one is 16months old and still breastfeeds… my oldest is eight, and I have had a miscarriage before baby n.4. I have heard all those crazy stupid jokes… the one I can’t forget was from a friend asking me if I was participating in a competition !
    Really… people don’t have life. They are busy taking care of others life and being jealous of us. Having A big family is the meaning of my life … I could imagine myself without them. I miss the ones that aren’t born yet. It’s crazy! But my heart is fo full of love and joy that “normal” selfish people wouldn’t understand.
    God bless you and your wonderful family. Children are blessing from God. Who would dare refuse a present like that? Love, Janaína

  3. According to calculations I am 5wks 4 days pregnant with my 5th. I haven’t told my husband yet ? but I think he suspects as Much. We haven’t tried to not conceive and he comes from a very large family. I also just accepted an amazing job off with very family oriented ppl but- ahh idk im freaking out a lil about ppls reactions as well…I’ve heard all the above. Mybyoungest is 18 mos, then 3,6 & 18(only daughter) people call me crazy but i Love love love being a mother! I was a lonely only child ??‍♀️ I appreciate this blog very much ♥️ Thank you!! ??

  4. Thank you! I needed this! I recently just found out I am pregnant with baby #5 and I am going through the exact same thing. I’m scared to tell people simply bc of the reaction I know that is coming my way… thank yyou for this though bc it gives me comfort knowing I’m not the only one who had felt this way before.

  5. Thanks. I needed this. I am 41 and pregnant with baby number 5. I, also, have been afraid to share the news because of the reactions I know I will get. I am terrified of telling my employer because when I informed them a couple of years ago that I was pregnant with baby number 4 their response was “how could you do this to us?” Even my oldest son, when I told him we were expecting again, said “ya’ll need to be more careful”. So yes, I am ashamed that I am ashamed to share the news, and I need more support from people like you to give me the confidence I need to face the nay sayers.

  6. Congratulations! I am currently facing the same situation and fears with my fifth child due this summer. Reading this has helped me feel not alone and inspired. Thank you

  7. Thank you for writing this. I absolutely needed to read it tonight. I am just barely pregnant with my 5th. 4 weeks and 2 days to be exact. (Well as exact as one can be) I feel exactly this way. When I had my first 2 everyone was excited and happy, then my 3rd was out first boy and everyone said ok you’re done now…then we had another girl, and well my husband really wanted to have just one more and I am a sucker for being pregnant and babies and well I jumped right on board. I honestly didn’t even think about what people would say until I got a positive test and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. People are going to be awful, say all the rude things, and well all the mean things…

  8. I am expecting my 4th baby. I read your post and I can totally relate. I have gotten some of these comments too. I had decided to ignore what people think and have to say and live up to on my own terms. I don’t comment on people’s life so I expect the same in return. Thanks for the post and there are people with big families and many kids but it’s a personal choice I guess.

  9. Thank you for sharing this! I am in the same boat right now, as we just found out we are expecting our 5th blessing. And I’m in tears reading this because I couldn’t have said it better. We have 4 beautiful girls and an “unplanned” pregnancy will bring #5, boy or girl this baby will be so loved! Hugs to all mommas out there!

  10. Oh my goodness this post hit me hard! We just found out that we are expecting our 5th. My older 2 are from a previous marriage they are 16 and 14. My younger 2 are 7 and 18 months. Here’s the kicker, my 16 year old had a baby in December! So I am also a Grandma at 36! We are so excited about this baby, but I am scared to death to tell people! Everyone always assumes I have to take care of my Grandson… That could not be further from the truth! My 16 year old completely changed her life and is an AMAZING mommy! We did tell her and she is excited! She laughed and said Hayden your Aunt or Uncle is going to be younger than you! I just want to be happy and excited about this baby! Friends and family should be supportive! Everyone is exactly right, everyone should just say congratulations and keep their rude comments to themselves! They aren’t paying for my kids! We get zero government assistance! I actually had someone as me if we got money… NOPE! We pay for our own thank you very much! So rude! Congratulations everyone on your babies!

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here