The big news is officially out: My husband and I are expecting our fifth baby. Yep, you read that right — we’re having baby number five. In today’s world, that makes us a bit of an anomaly. Most people don’t have big families anymore. The average number of children families have today is two, so a couple with five kids? I already got stares whenever I took my four kids out on an errand; I can only imagine the reactions when I’m toting around five.
The number one question people always have whenever we’ve announced a new pregnancy is, “Was it planned?” I hate that question — does it make a difference? Is it any of your business? But in the interest of honesty, I’ll answer it this time. No, it wasn’t planned. It also wasn’t unplanned. I was surprised when I realized I was pregnant, but mostly because we had been pretty lackadaisical about it all, and it just wasn’t really on my radar.
I had always wanted a big family. I wanted a house filled with kids. I was thrilled each time we got pregnant because it was what I wanted. But this time, when I got that positive pregnancy test, I cried. I was scared, and I didn’t want to tell anyone that I was pregnant for as long as possible. A few close friends were given the news — I cried on the phone to them — but I kept it a secret otherwise. After having Clara, our fourth baby, I felt like I was done having kids. Our family felt complete. And my hands were full enough as it is! Still, I felt sad. Every now and then, I would think about never having another baby — never looking excitedly at ultrasounds, never feeling a baby kick, never anxiously waiting for that moment when I saw my new baby’s face for the first time — and I would feel so sad. I didn’t want another baby, but the thought of never having another one was devastating. (It made about as much sense to me as it does to you.) But still, the reason I was so scared and upset wasn’t because I was having a fifth baby.
It was because I dreaded the reaction I would get.
I sobbed, over and over again, to the few friends I trusted enough to tell that this would not be a baby whose life would be celebrated. It wasn’t just conjectured on my part, either; all I had to do was look back on the reaction we got when we announced that we were pregnant with number four. We constantly got rude, inappropriate, and snarky remarks… usually accompanied by laughter, as if it’s hilarious to joke about someone’s sex life or to tell them they need to stop having children. I didn’t say much at the time, but those comments hurt. They hurt me deeply. And rather than congratulations, we got sneering and scorn.
Don’t you know what causes that?
Man, one of you really needs to get fixed!
Don’t you have any hobbies?
You need to get a TV in your room.
Was this planned?
Are you done now?
You really should stop after this… I mean, enough is enough!
And on and on it went. I knew, with utter and complete certainty, that very few people would offer their sincere congratulations. People would look at us like we were crazy, irresponsible freaks with little self-control. It started after we had Ivy, our third child. She was our first girl, after having two boys. And so we heard all the time how we could “stop” now because we finally had our girl! As if children are a collector’s set, and we were missing a specific piece — now that we had at least one of each gender, we could be done. With Clara, it was as if we needed to apologize for her existence. This attitude came from everywhere — from family members, friends, complete strangers. When you have a big family, virtually everyone feels entitled to comment on your family size, your reproductive choices, and your sex life.
There are some things that I’m slightly nervous about, of course. I’m busy enough with four kids; Lord only knows how it will be once I have five. I’m not looking forward to losing what little sleep I get now. And it sure is nice to have four mostly independent children, who can feed themselves and play together and aren’t reliant on me for every last thing. But I’m also confident in my own abilities as a mother; I know that while having a fifth baby will be difficult, it’s something that I can handle. And I still stand firm by my assertion that the hardest transition wasn’t going from two babies to three, or from three to four… it was going from zero to one. Adjusting to being a mother when I hadn’t been one before was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. With each new baby, I’ve been able to learn a little bit more, and by now? I’m practically an expert.
So my feelings of devastation, whether right or wrong, were almost solely due to my fear of the reactions I would get. I didn’t want to brace myself for people’s cruel comments or thoughtless remarks. I want, so badly, to know that this new life will be cherished and loved and joyously anticipated… if not by the world, then at least by the people who claim to love me.
A big family isn’t for everyone; I know that. I don’t expect people to run out and have a bunch of kids just because that’s the choice my husband and I have made. But if a big family isn’t for you, then try to at least be understanding and accepting of us moms who do have a lot of kids. Don’t make jokes or ask personal questions, no matter how clever or funny you may think they are. Be supportive and be excited for them. And here’s a little tip that applies to all moms: No matter what her situation, there is only one thing to say when a woman tells you that she’s expecting a baby:
Congratulations.
I’m so glad I found this article because it’s making me feel so much less alone!! I’m currently 26 weeks pregnant with my fifth child. A complete and utter shock, my birth control failed. My kids are 6, 5, and 19 month old twins and I feel like I’m drowning most days. My biggest struggle is wondering why God would give us this baby when so many people are still just praying for one! I know there are no mistakes and I think it will all make more sense when she is here. But the struggle of all raising all these kids is so hard!!!
Aww Bren. I don’t know you but I see you, girl and I can totally relate. I decided that our fifth child due next month would be named Grace because it’s only by His grace. His grace is sufficient for us. Hugs
I just got a surprise 5th too and I’m about to be 42 years old! I feel the same.
Hello! I’m nearly 42 and pregnant with my 5th as well! I’m very happy. Hope all is going well. I cared tremendously about peoples’ judgement when I had #4 at age 40. But I realized that concern made me almost miss out tremendously so with this child I’m nothing but thrilled!
I agree. I’m pregnant with my 5th too. And I cried so much. But I’m totally against abortion but did questioned the Lord why I’m overwhelmed alot 😕 all God will
Thank you so much for this! I’m currently five weeks pregnant with our fifth, who was a complete and total surprise. I didn’t want to tell my own family because I knew the reactions I would get. I relate to this so incredibly much.
Just recently found out I am preggo with my 5th… I’m still trying to get the courage to even tell my own mom. It’s sad how the world is now, Glad I found this article!!!
I love this. I just found out tonight that I am pregnant with my fifth child. I took 4 pregnancy tests just to make sure and they are all the same. POSITIVE. I am not angry at myself or upset because I know in my heart that this baby is the blessing that I’ve been waiting for. I am a little bit shocked and concerned how my family will react, especially my much condescending grandmother.. her mouth is reckless! I just turned 30 and I will defend my body and my baby against any rude remarks. My mother is the only person who knows for now. She laughed and smiled with excitement. Even if she is the only support by my side I know that everything will be ok. Congrats to us all ❤️
I loved reading this because I can relate so much! I am 24 weeks pregnant with #5 and it’s other people’s comments/reactions that drive me nuts! I have an 8 (boy), 6 (boy), 4 (girl) and 2 (boy) year old. I had the same comments after my girl like it was a goal to have each gender. We never find out while I’m pregnant so it was seen in a lot of family and friends eyes we were “done” when we had our daughter. My parents reaction when I told them I was pregnant with #4 was awful with very little excitement so I dreaded telling them about #5. They didn’t disappoint with their reaction of shock and zero excitement. To make matters worse literally a week earlier from finding out I was pregnant my husband left for a 6 mths training to become a state police officer where he would not be home often. So obviously this baby wasn’t planned and everyone knew that! That would be crazy! I’ve had some rude comments and I am an ER nurse so my patients pry and have comments. Patient: “Oh you are so big for only being this far along.” Me: “Well this is my fifth child so my body knows the drill.” Patient “oh my that’s too many!” I have learned over the years to brush off a lot of comments from strangers about my family size, my pregnant (and postpartum) belly size! Although this little babes was our little surprise, that has added difficulty to an already hard situation, I feel God gave us this child and he to she was meant to be to complete our family. On our first date my husband told me we would have 5 children. I told him he was nuts. I guess he has been right about a few things 😋God bless and thank you for the good read!
THANK YOU SO MUCH for writing this!!! I recently found out I was pregnant with my 5th, and I’m so so happy about it! But since people made a big deal out of the 3rd and joked about the 4th, I knew they’d be rude about the 5th. Still, I was not prepared for how rude they would be. Some people are excited. But most are not. No congratulations. No huge smiles. Just rude ruuuuude remarks! It’s sad to know other people are experiencing this but comforting to know I’m not alone.
I haven’t told anyone. Well I did cry and reached out to my pastor’s wife. I’m 42 with my 5th child. I’m so scared and ashamed. I have 16, 11, 9 and 5. I thought I was done! I thought it was impossible but here we are again. I am a woman of faith but very little faith right now. I’m not happy or excited and I know God has a purpose but I can’t think of that right now. I’m overwhelmed. I am very pro life and can’t believe the thoughts I’ve been having. Please pray for me. I’m so glad I read this and I’m not alone.
Dear Bren, I’ll be having my 5th, and unplanned, baby boy in a couple months and I’ll be almost 39 by that time. Kids are 12, 10, 7 & 5. I’m right there with you. It took me awhile to tell people. I cried. I had planned life without the care of baby and toddler any longer. Take heart. We may have been surprised, but the Lord has always known these precious babes would be a part of our family. I’m praying for you in Jesus name. He’s got you!
Thank you autumn! I’m in a different place today than I was when I was in shock finding out. I have repented and asked God to forgive me for not being thankful for another gift sent from Him. I’m 4 months now and have been feeling him move and although I’m scared of giving birth.., I’ve learned to just take it day by day. I finally told my family. All my kids are super excited. We can’t wait to meet him! I pray your pregnancy is going smooth 🙂
You aren’t alone.
Don’t be ashamed! I know this was years ago now and I’m hoping your happily enjoying your little one. I am 42 years old and pregnant with my fifth. People can think what they will. People can see what they will. They do so anyway. My children are nothing but a gift and I make no apologies for giving them life.
Our purposes in life is to bring God glory. What a better way to do this than to raise up what he cherishes most. He said go populate the world. He never said to stop! Doing the right thing is never the easy thing. Emagine your reward when you see him face to face. We don’t know what our children will be but God has a plan for all. Just go with it! God bless!
Thank upon Marie, God bless you for this timely and beautiful exhortation!!
After a surprise pregnancy and miscarriage of that surprise pregnancy, I find myself surprised again by what will be my 7th pregnancy, with 4 children. I’ve had a lot of issues in the past with families’ comments. My announcement of our 3rd child actually failed to send, so much of my family was surprised when he was born. But it was such a peaceful pregnancy, I almost consider not telling them at all. After our 4th, I was prepared to be finished having children. We use NFP and cycle tracking. But what I’ve found is that… God is really in control of that. If He decides to miraculously lengthen my fertile period, I can’t do much about that short of complete abstinence with my husband. Which isn’t an option. So are there mingled feelings? Absolutely!! I appreciate your honesty. My struggle is that recovery, mental and emotional, and physical was really difficult after my fourth. And I’m dreading experiencing that process for the 5th time. But at the same time, I know this is a gift. I trust God to provide because financially speaking, we’re already strapped. We were strapped two children ago. But God is good. And I’ll do my best with the circumstances and little people he’s entrusted to my care.
I didn’t know when I googled “pregnant with baby number 5” this would be the article that I would get……HOWEVER….. I am so glad that I did. I am in tears after reading this because it is literally everything I am feeling. I just found out a couple of days ago that we are expecting baby number 5. We weren’t trying, but we also clearly weren’t preventing so lol here we are. Like some other readers I took multiple pregnancy tests because I was so shocked! I have been so upset since I found out not only because I am nearing my 40s, but mainly because I dont want any rude comments. My children are all well taken care of and provided for, but the moment you have more than two children people make all sorts of assumptions about you, and that for me is just hurtful. I do believe we are blessed and I wholeheartedly believe that God doesnt make mistakes! So baby number 5 it is! 🙂
I needed to read this.
I don’t know if we have #5 on the way yet, I’ll find out tomorrow. But I’m late and I expect there to be a positive.
Our kids are 6,4,3, and 10 months. We were NOT trying, but as a previous commenter said, one never knows if the Lord will choose to lengthen a fertile period.
We are a single income family in a world full of strife. But I trust God. His plan is greater than mine and if He wills me to bear another child I trust Him to provide and protect us.
I’m like you ma’am, didn’t want another but the thought of NEVER again feeling a baby move within me, feeling the joy of those moments, feeling the contractions of labor (my last was unmedicated and it was by far the best labor experience for me) and the thought of NEVER having another baby made me grieve to the point even seeing my daughters baby dolls drove a deep ache in my heart.
So if it’s positive, it’s meant to be, and I’m going to be thankful for His grace and love.