My husband and I got a sleep divorce nearly a decade ago. The reason is simple: He snores, and therefore, I don’t get much sleep. It’s not a quiet snore that maybe a little white noise or earplugs can drown out (I tried both for years). It’s not every once in a while, like when he’s had a few drinks. It’s every night and loud enough to hear from another room. Aside from it being annoying to my sleep habits, it’s also a health issue which I am happy to say he has recently seen a doctor about, and his CPAP is already making a world of difference for everyone.
READ: That’s It! I’m Filing for a Sleep Divorce
When I tell people this, some are shocked that we don’t share a bed at night. Others are in the same boat and completely understand the need for separate sleeping arrangements. Every now and then when we stay in a hotel room, I am reminded that our sleep divorce is still necessary ten years later.
It’s a growing trend — estimates by organizations like The Better Sleep Council and the International Housewares Association suggest approximately one in every five couples are sleeping separately most or all of the time. Sometimes there is a stigma that comes with it, but there are benefits to having incompatible sleep habits.
Research indicates that when we are well rested, we communicate better, we interact better, and have better overall mental health. Think about overtired babies and toddlers — it’s meltdown central when they are tired or don’t get a good night’s rest. Think about the last time your shut-eye was interrupted — how did you feel and function the next day?
READ: This Mama Loves Regular Naps — But Are They Good For You?
Here are some ways that sleeping separately can improve your physical, mental, and relationship health:
- You get personal space and can customize your environment to read, watch any TV show you want, or even pick your preferred mattress type — no arguing over too firm or too soft!
- You may also sleep better without fighting over the covers or being woken up by your partner going to the restroom in the middle of the night. And your relationship may be more intentional since you aren’t spending sleeping hours together. A good night’s rest is paramount to your health.
But there are some drawbacks, too:
- It may decrease intimacy or create emotional distance.
- It may feel lonely.
- It may be expensive to furnish another bedroom.
- It might create confusing signals or feel like it’s marking the end of a relationship.
Every couple is different. The concept of sleep separation may feel like a big deal because it’s taking away from your time together, which may already be limited. Or it may be embarrassing to admit to friends or family. But you can always try it and see how you both like it and more importantly, sleep being apart. For a sleep divorce to be a success, both parties must be comfortable with the arrangement and willing to talk before problems arise, and it leads to more problems.
You can always undo a sleep divorce at any time. It doesn’t have to be forever. Or maybe it will be. Communication is as important as those eight hours of sleep you’re striving for.
