Dear Husbands,
It’s not much of a surprise that relationships between married women and their mothers-in-law can be… well, complicated. And perhaps the holiday that encompasses that the most is Mother’s Day. And guys, we know: You’re really, really caught in the middle. Your mother expects you to do something for her. Your wife wants to feel special, too. And you probably just want to make everyone happy. But here’s something, from all of us wives out there, that you really, really need to know: Guys, Mother’s Day is not about your mom. Not anymore, anyway.
READ: Guide to Mother’s Day: Where to Dine + Celebrate In & Around Jacksonville
We get it, you spent your entire life doing something special for her on Mother’s Day. You love her. You’re grateful for the sacrifices she made for you. These are all good things. But now you’re married, and your wife has given you children of your own. That means your focus, your priority, needs to shift from your mother, to the mother of your children. She takes precedence now. (Sorry, mothers-in-law.)
Right now, your wife is in the trenches. She’s going through the most difficult part of motherhood. She’s dealing with tons of stress and frustration every single day, whether it be crying babies and dirty diapers, toddler temper tantrums and potty training, or insane loads of homework, bullies, and adolescence. Being a mom means being selfless, pretty much every moment of every day. She’s always worrying about someone else, fixing everyone else’s problems, and rarely takes time for herself. Guys, your mom did all of this, too — but those days, for her, are over. So on Mother’s Day, you need to make the day special for your wife first and foremost.
Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean forget your mom altogether. By all means, send your mom flowers. Get her a lovely gift. But ask your wife what she wants to do on Mother’s Day first, and if the answer is not “go to my mother-in-law’s house,” then don’t drag everyone to go see your mother. After all, it’s not Grandparent’s Day (and yes, that’s a real day, guys). There are other days you can devote to showering your mom with attention and gifts and pampering. On Mother’s Day, you need to focus on the woman who is currently in the throes of motherhood.
Let’s say that you really want to spend time with your mom on Mother’s Day — well, have no fear, because there are still ways to make this a win-win situation. There are a couple of options here: First, you can see your mom the Saturday before Mother’s Day. The second, and likely better, option? Pack up your kids, and take them to your mom’s house… without your wife. Plan a special day for her that she can have all to herself — a nice brunch, a mini shopping spree, the chance to see that movie she’s been wanting to see, a day at a spa, or heck, even just the ability to enjoy her empty house where she can read and nap without getting interrupted a million times by tiny people who always need something. Moms rarely get time alone, and this can give her the opportunity to get a much-needed break for rest and relaxation, while you still get to spend time with your mom.
Of course, there might be the chance that your wife says she wants to spend the day together, as a family — no mother-in-law’s house. And in that case, then sorry, guys, but you’re going to have to cut the apron strings and put your wife first. She should be the main woman in your life now. You should be treating her like that every day, but especially on Mother’s Day.
One last note: Us moms, we’re not saying you shouldn’t do anything for your mom on Mother’s Day. Again, get a gift for her! Do something special for her. But just remember who the main mom in your life is now. And for the love of all that is holy, do not make your wife responsible for your mom’s Mother’s Day. Your wife should not be worrying about making sure your mom has a fantastic Mother’s Day while her special day is all but forgotten. Your wife doesn’t need to be picking out your mom’s gift or planning a visit to her house or arranging a Mother’s Day brunch for your mother. You need to take on the responsibility of doing something nice for your mom, but especially something nice for your wife. It’s a lot, we know. But trust us, feeling special and loved and valued, and being put first for one day out of the year… it goes a long way for us moms, especially as we’re battling the everyday stresses of motherhood. We’re not saying not to remember your mom; we’re just saying, don’t forget us, either. Because, sorry guys, but a day dedicated to making your mom feel honored doesn’t make us feel that great. So for today, put us first.
Love,
Wives and Moms Everywhere
This post was originally published in 2018, updated in 2024.
This is the ultimate $1,000,000 article! Thank you for putting it out there.
I agree that a man’s wife, should be his first priority in all things. That being said, if I didn’t teach my kids to properly respect their mother, even into adulthood and marriage, then I would consider it a GREAT FAILURE on my part as a father. It is Mother’s Day, Not Wives Day. My properly raised children, will show respect to their mother. I respect my wife at all times, she understands this, even when I honor my own mother, because she honors her own mother and mother-in-law. She may not always agree with her MIL, but she knows that without her, she wouldn’t have me, nor our children. As my children marry and have children of there own, I would hope that they would teach this same respect to my grandchildren.
I never comment on these things but I felt like I needed to.
This is a wonderful article and I wish all husbands would read it. When you are a child and before you have children, your mother is the most important mother in your life…but once you have your own children then your spouse should have that spot. I am the most important mother in my husband’s life and he’s the most important father in mine.
I don’t understand this new thing where suddenly grandmothers feel like the world revolves around them.
It’s so sad and disappointing that every year I hear about husbands that are so worried about their mommies for Mother’s Day and then on Father’s Day their wives are worried about what to do for those same husbands. Gross.
All the women complaining about this article need to take a reading comprehension class…
Agree
I don’t understand this thing where mothers think the world revolves around THEM! You’re kid will be grown one day. I hope you’re ok with just a phone call on Mother’s Day.
We are gathering together on mothers day: my son, his wife and their baby; my step daughter, who is about to give birth; my husband and i –mom and a grandma now : my mom ( a mom, grandma and great grandam) and sister with her family to celebrate MOTHERS on this day–all of us as moms/aunties/daughters/new momma daughter in laws, step daughters, great aunties, grandmas, etc–, relying on each other, supporting each other, sharing in the gifts and beauty and challenges of motherhood and celebrating all these wonderful nurturing people in our lives, and honoring the women who love and support them/us all.
Beautiful! I hope you have a wonderful time!
Not everyone has this kind of support
Me! Me! Me! Our society is so self absorbed and entitled it’s disgusting. There is enough love to go around. Spouses should NEVER be told to pick one or the other. Grandmothers, mothers, great grandmothers…. all should be celebrated. I hope my children don’t marry someone so selfish. I hope family get togethers are a wonderful blessing, enjoyed by all. And I hope my kids think more of me than just a card. Its Mother’s day, not Wive’s day. And yes…. I read the article. The entire thing is selfish with the exceptional “don’t forget her, send a card or flowers” sprinkled in.
I am a step-mom, my partner is mom, and my mother wants me to spend mothers day with her and my siblings. She doesn’t want my partner to come to the dinner. I fee badly because I do not want to leave my partner and my step-son alone on mother’s day. However, my mother and father think I am being unreasonable..what should I do?
Great article, Cassie. I completely understand where you are coming from. I don’t understand why grandmothers should be the most important mothers over mothers who are actually in the throes of their work, My husband is the most important father in my life, not my dad. In turn, I should be the most important mother in his life.
Mother’s Day is for YOUR MAMA! the woman who pushed you out her hooha! (Or underwent surgery to get you safely into this world) it’s not called wife’s day. This is the most selfish ridiculousness I have read. I hope your still blogging when your kids are grown and decide Mother’s Day is not about you anymore. I’d love to hear it from the perspective of a mother who’s children don’t even think she is worthy of a single day to be recognized because now they have a family of their own.
Had my first mothers day last year it was all about his mom I cried the whole day and this year my first mothers day with my new baby and guess what it’s about his mom again I told him I want to do something alone with him and my 2 kids but hestill mom keeps throwing it in his face it might be her last one…it might be mine we never know. I got a fist mothers day gifts from his sister it was a old ring she didn’t want anymore. My heart is broken…
I completely agree. The only thing I need my hubby to understand is not to forget his mom. I’m usually the one planning her gift. I don’t mind because I love her, and I want to honor her for all she’s done for me and my kids as well as raising my wonderful husband. But sometimes I’d like his help in figuring it out.