Dear Husbands,
It’s not much of a surprise that relationships between married women and their mothers-in-law can be… well, complicated. And perhaps the holiday that encompasses that the most is Mother’s Day. And guys, we know: You’re really, really caught in the middle. Your mother expects you to do something for her. Your wife wants to feel special, too. And you probably just want to make everyone happy. But here’s something, from all of us wives out there, that you really, really need to know: Guys, Mother’s Day is not about your mom. Not anymore, anyway.
READ: Guide to Mother’s Day: Where to Dine + Celebrate In & Around Jacksonville
We get it, you spent your entire life doing something special for her on Mother’s Day. You love her. You’re grateful for the sacrifices she made for you. These are all good things. But now you’re married, and your wife has given you children of your own. That means your focus, your priority, needs to shift from your mother, to the mother of your children. She takes precedence now. (Sorry, mothers-in-law.)
Right now, your wife is in the trenches. She’s going through the most difficult part of motherhood. She’s dealing with tons of stress and frustration every single day, whether it be crying babies and dirty diapers, toddler temper tantrums and potty training, or insane loads of homework, bullies, and adolescence. Being a mom means being selfless, pretty much every moment of every day. She’s always worrying about someone else, fixing everyone else’s problems, and rarely takes time for herself. Guys, your mom did all of this, too — but those days, for her, are over. So on Mother’s Day, you need to make the day special for your wife first and foremost.
Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean forget your mom altogether. By all means, send your mom flowers. Get her a lovely gift. But ask your wife what she wants to do on Mother’s Day first, and if the answer is not “go to my mother-in-law’s house,” then don’t drag everyone to go see your mother. After all, it’s not Grandparent’s Day (and yes, that’s a real day, guys). There are other days you can devote to showering your mom with attention and gifts and pampering. On Mother’s Day, you need to focus on the woman who is currently in the throes of motherhood.
Let’s say that you really want to spend time with your mom on Mother’s Day — well, have no fear, because there are still ways to make this a win-win situation. There are a couple of options here: First, you can see your mom the Saturday before Mother’s Day. The second, and likely better, option? Pack up your kids, and take them to your mom’s house… without your wife. Plan a special day for her that she can have all to herself — a nice brunch, a mini shopping spree, the chance to see that movie she’s been wanting to see, a day at a spa, or heck, even just the ability to enjoy her empty house where she can read and nap without getting interrupted a million times by tiny people who always need something. Moms rarely get time alone, and this can give her the opportunity to get a much-needed break for rest and relaxation, while you still get to spend time with your mom.
Of course, there might be the chance that your wife says she wants to spend the day together, as a family — no mother-in-law’s house. And in that case, then sorry, guys, but you’re going to have to cut the apron strings and put your wife first. She should be the main woman in your life now. You should be treating her like that every day, but especially on Mother’s Day.
One last note: Us moms, we’re not saying you shouldn’t do anything for your mom on Mother’s Day. Again, get a gift for her! Do something special for her. But just remember who the main mom in your life is now. And for the love of all that is holy, do not make your wife responsible for your mom’s Mother’s Day. Your wife should not be worrying about making sure your mom has a fantastic Mother’s Day while her special day is all but forgotten. Your wife doesn’t need to be picking out your mom’s gift or planning a visit to her house or arranging a Mother’s Day brunch for your mother. You need to take on the responsibility of doing something nice for your mom, but especially something nice for your wife. It’s a lot, we know. But trust us, feeling special and loved and valued, and being put first for one day out of the year… it goes a long way for us moms, especially as we’re battling the everyday stresses of motherhood. We’re not saying not to remember your mom; we’re just saying, don’t forget us, either. Because, sorry guys, but a day dedicated to making your mom feel honored doesn’t make us feel that great. So for today, put us first.
Love,
Wives and Moms Everywhere
This post was originally published in 2018, updated in 2024.
“Love, wives and moms everywhere?”
Yeah, no.
Asking your husband to treat you first over his mother on mother’s day after she spent months carrying him and painstaking hours and days delivering him and bringing him into this world, is selfish. Your husband should make you feel good all the time that when mothers day comes around, you should more than encourage him to honor his mom and yes, you should help get the presents because she is your mother in law and because of her, you have your husband.
As a wife and a mother, I would never in a million years expect my husband to attend to me more or make me priority over his own mother on mother’s day or any day for that matter.
I cannot recall ever leaving a comment on a blog. Until this one.
I don’t think I’ve ever read a more selfish, self-centered blog post in all of my life. My husband treats me with love, tenderness, respect, kindness, etc…every single day of the year. Do you know why? Because his mother taught him to. Mother’s Day is about THE mom. Our mom. The mom who raised each of us. It is NOT my husband’s responsibility to make sure my day is perfect. My kids do that! I don’t need gifts, expensive treats, etc. If all I get from my (non-driving) child is a “happy Mother’s Day, I love you” and a hug, then my day is made.
I cannot fathom a world in which your opinion is from “wives and moms everywhere”.
Do you have a son? I do. I hope, beyond a million hopes, that the behavior that my husband is modeling for my son carries on when my son is grown. She is the matriarch of our family. She deserves the utmost respect, and I choose to honor her above myself. It’s called being a mom…putting others before yourself.
I hope my husband enjoys tomorrow with his mom. She raised him. Respectfully, lovingly, tenderly…she helped to mold him into the man he is today. I couldn’t be more grateful, and that reason, I honor her, too.
I don’t need a “day”. Everyday is my day, just because I have my kids and my family.
Yesterday my son stop talking to me, and it was about this very article,because you have my son 364 days a year,we,mom’s get one day.let me tell you one thing and then I’m finish,I am his mom for the rest of his life,you my dear may be his wife,but IF he was to piss you off you will not have sex with him,or not cook for him,spend his money to get back at him,,honey I will give up my life,or any organ for him,and you can’t share one day to celebrate me…we will be gone before you,so be patient and have some respect,I would like to ask your Mom is this the way she raised you..shameful,i hope your kids read what you read someday…..24
This is ridiculous. My husband lost his mother, and I would never have forgiven myself if i was selfish enough to demand that I be his priority on Mother’s Day (making him miss out of Mother’s Day with his mom).
Also, don’t forget your children will one day be grown and what you teach them is what they will do. So, I guess if you’re OK with your son and his children not spending Mother’s Day with you then by all means teach that to your children.
This whole thing is bs! Mother’s Day meaning your mother! My husband takes me , my mother and my mother in law all out together ! This article is the most selfish thing I’ve ever seen . Honor your father and mother which is the first commandment with a promise, so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth” (Ephesians 6:1-3). Honoring parents is the only command in Scripture that promises long life as a reward. Those who honor their parents are blessed (Jeremiah 35:18-19).
All mom’s should matter.. Not just the husband’s mother. Especially if his mother’s a obsessive crazy person. And maybe you should read Gods priority list. It’s God first then your spouse. Husband should leave their mother and father to become one with his wife. That doesn’t mean forget your parents but it doesn’t mean forget your wife either who does everything for you. While his mother is just a super crazy person who plans her own parties for herself. Wants everyone to honor her but not her son to honor his wife. A good man will obey and honor both but never make his wife feel less then.
The woman who invented Mother’s Day came to hate it https://www.cnn.com/2018/05/13/us/mothers-day-anna-jarvis-trnd/index.html
Your husband should celebrate both of you. If you live close enough to be together, you shouldn’t refuse to go to your MIL’s house. You’re basically saying to give her a consolation prize, because you want the “real deal” to be all about you. I say this as someone who doesn’t have a great MIL, but I wouldn’t expect my husband to not celebrate her along with me. We’re both mothers. I don’t want my children to think that it’s okay to have a pecking order, in terms of appreciating family members.I have a feeling this writer will change her tune when she becomes a MIL.
I think I’d like to hear back from you when your son is married and has children ?I think age and time will change your focus on this a little bit.
Completely disagree. It not your day. It’s your mother’s day and his mother’s day. Your kids will celebrate it for you. You are not your husband’x mother.
Very selfish of you to write this article. I feel sorry for you and your mother.
I see mostly women and moms replying here and not a lot of input from men… so I will as a man and a son offer my insight. The beautiful mother of my children sent this post to me this morning.
First of all it is a celebration of all moms but I don’t think you can ever down play the importance or the power and role of any son or daughters personal relationship with their mom which under normal circumstances should never be tested as it’s unbreakable. But that doesn’t mean that your wife or mother of your children should not be loved and celebrated either. They are one and the same. It’s a sacred energy that has traveled thousands of years in a cyclical movement throughout time. ❤️ For all the moms ? but don’t ever down play mine…….
Love this article, and whole heartedly agree.