It started off innocently enough. We were at the zoo and our kids, ages 4 and 3, were watching the bear, who for once was actually up playing and not just napping. They were giggling at how silly the bear was and my daughter said, “I wish we could go in there and play with that bear, he’s so cute!” I smiled and explained that people couldn’t go into the bear’s house, but we could stay and watch as long as she wanted. She accepted my answer and turned back around to continue watching when my husband chimed in with “And people can’t play with bears because bears can really hurt people.” I shot him a look. That was completely unnecessary information, as far as I was concerned, and I knew what was coming. I knew both kids would now have 1,000 questions about bears and how they hurt people. I was right.
“What do you mean bears hurt people? How? Why? He’s not like Paddington Bear or Winnie the Pooh? Would he be angry if I ate his honey? Do bears pull hair?” I looked at my husband pointedly, letting him know he opened this can of worms, so he can deal with the questions. To his credit, he did try to answer tactfully at first and keep it age appropriate. But as anyone who has been peppered with questions from inquisitive preschoolers, he lost his patience and blurted out “A bear would literally rip your skin with his claws just because that is what bears do!”
Wide-eyed, both kids stopped asking about the bear, climbed in the stroller, and not surprisingly were ready to move on to the next animal. I looked at him exasperated, shaking my head. What was that all about? Why would he say that to our small, sweet children?
Generally, my husband and I are on the same page with parenting. We agree on all the big stuff, make a point not to fight in front of them, and support each other when one of us makes a decision in front of the kids. But for some reason, this issue with the bear stuck with me, and I brought it up that night. His view was that he was being truthful and teaching them the real nature of an animal. He didn’t see a problem with his response or it’s brutal honesty because that is the way the world is, and they are old enough to handle it.
I disagree. True, they are old enough to know that all animals aren’t nice. We learned that lesson after a bit of scare when they tried chasing a raccoon to pet it one evening at the park. But the odds of them running into a wild bear are pretty slim, so why take away the playfulness and fun of a situation by scaring them with all of the details, even if it is the truth?
This issue of whether to be completely honest has come up a few times recently. Last week, my son, who is obsessed with dinosaurs, was telling us about all of the different kinds of dinosaurs, what they ate, and what kinds of dinosaurs were friends with each other. In what was apparently an effort at teaching, my husband explained that many of those dinosaurs lived at different periods, so they wouldn’t have actually lived together at the same time. This meant that my son’s beloved stegosaurus and ankylosaurus couldn’t actually be best friends, which made him start to cry. My husband was trying to be helpful and teach him about the various periods they lived in, but all Liam heard was that part of his magical little dinosaur world wasn’t true. Cue another eye roll and shaking head from me. Seriously?
Once again, my husband defended his actions, saying he would do the same thing again because he thinks that we should be teaching our children the way things actually are. He says now Liam understands the various periods the dinosaurs lived in, so it was a teaching moment. And once again, I’m annoyed with him and how he’s handling the situation.
To me, it seems as though he’s taking away some of the magic of childhood by telling them things they don’t need to know. Isn’t life more fun when you really believe that you can roll around with the bears? I don’t want to curl up to read Brown Bear Brown Bear and have my four-year-old remind me that bears are actually mean and will scratch you with their claws. I understand that at some point they will learn all about the world, but I don’t want to rush it, and I don’t understand why my husband does.
After cruising through our first four years as parents with only a few minor disagreements, I am surprised this is our first real conflict in how we raise these tiny humans. I would never have expected something so seemingly small to annoy me so much. He enthusiastically embraces Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, so why can’t he play along with friendly tigers and dinosaurs that all lived at the same time? Maybe I’m overreacting, I have been known to do that once or twice, but I think he needs to tone down his “tell it like it is” approach or he is not getting invited back to the zoo.
It is worth mentioning that these incidents happened months before the recent situation with the gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo. While the reality of that interaction with an animal was certainly eye opening for me, it has not changed my opinion of what my kids need to know at this point in their lives. At what age did you start explaining to your kids the reality vs. the fantasy of the world?
Just wait til they’re in school. They will get all sorts of science based facts that you’ll get to answer more questions to at pick up time. Maybe you can just tell them, let’s ask dad that one?
I think you’re worrying too much. Just WAIT until you have real worries with your children.
I side with your husband because they learned more and it opened up a lot more opportunities for inquiries about the animals and learning.
I personally raise my kids with as much honesty as I can. Never yelling at them that they’re wrong, or that it would really hurt them but explain that Paddington is a different kind of bear, a bear of make believe that talks, same with Pooh bear. A real bear should be respected because it is a wild animal that doesn’t understand or talk with us. We should never try to play with one or it’s cubs if we ever see them. We shouldn’t feed them human food because it endangers them and ourselves. Human food isn’t very good for bears, because they’re wild they should be fishing, berry and honey hunting not thrown food from a car. Things like that. Then especially at that young age I would play a game of if we could. If we could talk to bears what would we say? Etc. It provides them the truth without scaring them away or ending those endless sweet questions but engages them and still allows them a fantasy, playful, thoughtful world. It helps them think as well as understand not just frighten them. Hope that makes sense and works.
Hello,
I am with your husband to teach them the reality of life in an aged appropriate way. What happened at the zoo wasthat you´re children became curious about the real bears! We as human beings were supposed to live together with real animals by nature. So it can´t harm them to know about the natural behaviour of bears and other animals. But still, even though the dinosaurs lived in different periods, why don´t you just teach your children the magic power of their own fantasy. Because in this world everything is possible and it strengthens your children´s creativity, which is way better than tv or videogames.
Great blog! But sorry- I totally side w/your husband. Children want to learn and it’s our job to teach them. It doesn’t have to be scary – just informative. I always think, what if my child came across a snake, or spider, or even a bear! I wouldn’t want them to run up to it and give it a hug, I’d want them to keep a distance!
You have a very wise husband. It’s best to tell them the truth about wild animals. You never know when they’ll come face to face with something unexpected. They should have a healthy respect for nature.
Hmm, I see both sides. I think it’s important to tell kids about the real dangers with wild animals, as it can be a safety issue (see recent news involving gorillas and alligators). I grew up in an area that did often have bears and it’s important to know how to act if you’re hiking and come upon one. Even just geese or other animals you’d see everyday – kids should know to give animals their space.
The dinosaur one is veering into wet blanket territory, though. My husband does this with kids’ books, like saying that the little engine just couldn’t, no matter how much it says “I think I can” it still wasn’t designed to pull that kind of load.
I’ve always been completely honest with my children, not brutally but very forthrightly. Did it break my heart to tell my five year she couldn’t be a mouse when she grew up? Yes. Did I want to explain that babies die in the wombl? No. All those frank answers did lead to more questions. It wasn’t always easy or fun to gently explain the happenings of an apathetic world.Yet I would have been doing them a great disservice had I been anything but honest. Kids know when you’re lying, they know when you’re holding back. My girls are now curious and bright young women who find the answers for themselves. But never once did the truth ever interfere with their little pink and purple dragon sweeping down from the clouds at the last minute and saving them from hot lava.
The world is so different now than it was for us and unfortunately our kids grow up faster due to the abundance of technology at their fingertips. I have a 10 year old boy and I am amazed at the stuff he already knows. Stuff no 10 year old should ever know or worry about. Wait till the questions start rolling in about ISIS and America’s safety. ?
I have to agree with your husband on this one. I would rather him learn the truth from us instead of from his peers at school or on the baseball field. I’m amazed at the chatter that goes on in the dugout that’s not related to baseball at all! Ultimately, it’s our only way of actually making sure he gets true information. And then we can answer all the follow up questions that go along with it. I believe they will be stronger because of it. While the bear or dinosaur story may have stung at the time, I’m sure they got over it quickly (as kids do) and they will be so much better off in the long run.
Great blog! I’m a single mom so my perspective is slightly different.
My husband passed away 1.5 yrs ago when our son was nearly 3. I believe in being honest with our children, however there is such a thing as too much too soon. Each child is different so that’s the most important factor to keep in mind. When it came to his daddy passing, I wanted him to go though all of the motions. The viewing, the funeral, writing the goodbye letter and even visiting him to sit and talk to this day. He loves taking flowers to him. This has been a lot for his age, but he has handled it well. He asked, and still asks, plenty of questions. Some over and over, but that’s ok. He’s learning.
So if I had to relate the above to your blog, I would say letting them believe that bears are fun and silly doesn’t hurt nor does thinking dinosaurs were friends. They will eventually evolve in their thoughts and come to the whole truth.
There is a bigger picture and that’s what is important to know and learn, and the smaller things will fall into place. Those innocent moments, I believe, are needed. They’re still so young and their innocence in the small moments will offset the bigger moments that’s aren’t so sweet. They will evolve and fit in as they grow.