Gifts, Please

Hey Mom, when was the last time you were invited to celebrate one of your friend’s birthdays, and the invite said “no gifts”? I, personally, have never seen an adult party invite like that, so why do we do it to our kids?  

Maybe it’s because we don’t want people to feel obligated to get a gift, or because we don’t want to be inundated with “obligatory” gifts that our kids don’t like, or we want to be a cool mom who’s unburdening other parents. 

Recently I was at one of these trendy “no gifts, please” parties and saw several moms arriving with a gift, profusely apologizing. “Sophie just really wanted to get something for Maddy, I’m so sorry.” “I know you said no gifts, but Sam just knew Maddy would love this, I’m sorry, I hope you don’t mind.” How did we get to this place where now we have to feel guilty about giving gifts, too?! Never as an adult have I had to apologize to a friend for giving them a little token of my affection. 

You might think I’m writing this in an attempt to encourage parents to buy tons of toys. seeing as selling toys is how I put food on the table. The truth is, I’m an advocate for buying less toys. We all hate toy clutter. As an owner of a toy store, I fully sympathize with moms looking to downsize, clear the clutter, and give experiences instead of things. As you can imagine, plenty of unwanted play things make their way into our home (vendor samples, demo toys, and don’t get me started on the piles of toys my kids bring back from every toy show)… I’ve had many conversations asking my kids’ grandparents to buy fewer toys and I’m on a first-name basis with Gary, the guy who takes drop-offs at our local Goodwill. 

I also spend most of my Saturday mornings helping families pick out gifts on their way to a party, and I see all the things they learn through gift-giving:

Selflessness: Have you ever taken a kid to a toy store and told them to pick out something for someone else? If that’s not an exercise in selflessness, I don’t know what is.

Empathy: When your child is shopping for a gift for a friend, they have to think about what their friend would like, instead of what they want — and in that, they learn to think about that friend’s unique needs and interests. Plus, if you’ve ever seen the way kids converge when the presents are being opened to see their friends’ reactions, you know that kids just love seeing their friends get excited about a gift they picked out. 

Budgeting: Far before they have bills to pay and even when they are too young for an allowance, choosing a gift gives children a chance to learn the value of a dollar, and how to thoughtfully choose an item that fits within a budget. Some parents even make kids pay for their friends’ gifts with their own money. 

Manners: I was taught to “never show up empty-handed.” Whether that’s to dinner at someone’s home or to a party. When someone has put in the time and effort to host you, it’s just good manners to bring something in gratitude. We all know what hard work birthday parties are to execute and how expensive they are. Maybe if we aren’t bringing gifts for the kid, we should at least bring gifts for the caregivers.

Pride: When a child arrives at a party with a beautifully-wrapped gift, a lovingly handmade item, or something they spent tons of time picking out, they feel a sense of pride which is only compounded when they see their friends finding joy in it, too. 

This is not to say that I think we should all be pressured into spending money we don’t have to buy gifts for other people’s children, or that we should feel obligated to keep and cherish every stupid LOL Doll we don’t want. 

What I’m asking is, do we have to say anything at all? Or can we let our children give a gift when they feel moved to, and we’ll show up to the party with just a margarita for mom when they don’t? Maybe we’ll keep Gary a little busier, but our kids will be learning and having fun in the process, and they will know the joy of making their friends feel loved and special.