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Mother’s Day is meant to be a day of celebration. A day of honoring our mothers, and our own journey as a mother, but for many of us, it’s a dreaded day. I think it’s harder for more of us than we think. All too often we feel like we’re on an island all alone and no one could possibly understand how we feel, when in fact, there’s a lot of us struggling in silence. We just don’t talk about those uncomfortable things. There’s a long list of reasons why Mother’s Day is hard for us. It could be anything.
My mother didn’t like me.
I’m a stepmom.
My mother didn’t meet my needs.
My mother died.
My mother abused me.
I’m a single mom.
My baby died.
I’m a struggling mother.
My mother-in-law is the worst.
I’m a widow.
I never got to be a mother.
That’s pretty traumatic stuff, right? No wonder it’s hard! Motherhood and everything associated with it is extremely complicated and emotional. It comes with this unbearable, completely unrealistic commercial expectation of lavish gifts, quiet mornings, breakfast in bed where apparently fairies clean up the mess in the kitchen afterward, and I guess wizards do the mountains of laundry, no one yells or argues or has negative feelings, and rainbows and unicorns, and oh my God. I can’t. Mother’s Day is freaking hard.
Unrealistic expectations
Who has a Mother’s Day like we see in TV commercials? Seriously. If you have that I’d love to meet you Mrs. Unicorn, because most of us secretly dread this day. Yes, there are sweet moments with cute little “My mom likes…” write-ups from our little ones, or unexpected kind comments from our stepkids, or a surprise card in the mail from a friend who recognizes how hard this day is. But that doesn’t erase the hurt we carry in our hearts on this day. So, what do we do?
Why Mother’s Day is hard for me
For me, Mother’s Day is hard because I’m a full-time stepmom loving someone else’s child, and I’ll never really be “Mom.” I’ve had three miscarriages and lost my babies, I went through IVF and lost four more baby embryos, and I went through two failed adoptions where the birth mothers changed their minds. For years, I couldn’t even get out of bed on Mother’s Day. It would upset the entire household, arguments would ensue, and it just made it all even more complicated. In the last couple of years, though, I decided to try to take control of the day and turn it into something I could get out of bed for.
Food is one of my favorite things on the planet, so I make brunch reservations at one of my favorite restaurants. Something that’s a big treat that we don’t get to go to every day. Something I’ll be excited about. Now, I’m still not in a place where I can attend church on Mother’s Day, because I would no doubt be a slobbery emotional mess, so we skip the Sunday service and go straight to brunch. Afterward, we go home where I change into comfortable clothes, and binge-watch whatever my heart desires. When it’s time for dinner, we order pizza or something very easy with no mess to clean up. If I receive flowers and a card, awesome. If not, I still had a good day.
Here’s my advice:
- Take control of the day, and create your own happiness. Don’t depend on anyone else to plan it for you.
- Plan it in advance.
- Do something that truly brings you joy.
- Set the expectation with your family as to what will happen that day so everyone is on the same page.
Let’s create our own happiness, ladies. We deserve it.
