Mom, what happens when you die? What is a funeral? If dying makes everyone so sad, why does it happen?
These are just a sampling of the many questions my five-year-old had after her friend’s dad passed away last month. Death is a complicated topic but a very important one that needs to be addressed with an extra dose of TLC when it affects a child.
When devastating tragedies like September 11 and the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary happened, I watched several psychologists on TV give recommendations for parents of small children, like limiting tv time especially news broadcasts and try to keep discussions about the events simple and concise. I knew I could apply a couple of those tips but a family member, a friend’s death or even a pet’s death is a bit different since it directly affects daily life. Though I’m not a child psychologist, I know many of us will face this situation while our children are young, and here are a few things I learned from our experience.
1. Be a Good Listener… Children are similar to adults when it comes to processing things, simply talking it out is therapeutic. Letting my daughter ask questions made her feel more comfortable with the situation. She was worried about her friend and wanted to help her. Like most children, one question gave way to another and another and the topic randomly came up throughout the day showing me this was weighing on her little heart and mind. It is important to take the time to listen even if they bring up the same issues.
2. Answer with Comfort… Depending on the child’s age and whether religion has a place in your home or not will affect your answers. Because our daughter is only five, I did adhere to the keep-it-simple rule. I told her things like people die when their body can no longer work right. I also focused on the fact that we believe in heaven, a place where God heals people and though we are sad and miss them, we are happy they can go there. It was also helpful to ask her what she thought happened so I could disspell any fears.
3. Discuss What’s Happening… When a death occurs, a routine is sometimes interrupted and there are lots of people around, gatherings and arrangements being made. Keeping the child aware of the changes (again taking their age into consideration) can help since most children are creatures of habit. My husband and I both attended the funeral without her and our daughter wanted to know all about it. I was able to explain that it was a time for people to remember our friend, tell funny stories and a place to cry because he will be missed by so many.
4. Express Emotions… It is okay to let your child see you cry and to let them cry especially if a loved one or even a pet dies. They will pick up on your feelings regardless, and allowing them a safe place to express themselves is beneficial to their grieving process and yours.
5. Be Creative… My daughter wanted to let her friend know that she cared about her and was sad she lost her daddy. She wanted to do something to show her. What started as a painting for her friend turned into several paintings for the mom and even the dad to remember him. Kids want to comfort and a way to help. Artwork is an easy outlet.
No matter how old you are, death is hard. As parents, we can help our children through the grieving and mourning process by listening patiently, providing comfort and allowing them room to express themselves. Like most things, not every child will handle things the same way but they will all need a little tender loving care.
Nice post. I wrote a book as an adult to deal with my grief: https://wipfandstock.com/store/Praying_with_Mom_The_Journey_of_Tears_Love_and_Spiritual_Growth/