I know that we all think our kids are exceptional. Whether it’s that they’re exceptionally cute, talented, compassionate, smart, curious, or maybe even sometimes annoying (I know, how dare I), we all see our own children through lenses that tend to focus in on certain characteristics they possess. But did you know that outside of our opinions of our kids, it is possible for children to be seen as exceptional based on certain diagnoses?
Those diagnoses are specifically important when it comes to the education of our kids. In fact, it’s so pertinent to their education, the Florida Department of Education has a dedicated Bureau of Exceptional Education and Student Services (more commonly known as ESE). There are many diagnoses that qualify as exceptional under this law, and you’re more than welcome to click that link above and explore those. The rest of this post will focus on parenting a child who specifically has the two co-existing diagnoses/”labels” of giftedness and ADHD — making them not just exceptional, but twice exceptional (2e).
Since my son, who is now 8 (almost 9), was an infant, he’s had unique quirks and tendencies that indicated his brain works a little differently than other kids his age. There was never anything “bad” (I hate that word) or alarming — just different. His vocabulary was through the roof as a toddler, the questions he asked were way beyond age-appropriate developmental stages, he basically taught himself the basics of multiplication and division in kindergarten, and his memory was immaculate. In addition to the heightened level of academic/intellectual ability, he also experienced his emotions at a very deep level. His heart seemed to break easily, and his display of emotions seemed to grow in expression alongside his age.
In his preschool years, this wasn’t really an issue — just something we were aware of. As he entered elementary school, his academic intelligence led to boredom in the classroom, and out of boredom grew non-ideal behaviors. The behaviors started as distracting classmates, getting up without permission, or talking when he wasn’t “supposed to” (which, sigh — because isn’t that part of a 5-year-old’s job?), etc. We asked the school for him to be tested for gifted (hoping the challenge of getting into gifted would help curb some of the behaviors). He didn’t get tested for another entire year, and our suspicion of him being gifted was confirmed. This didn’t change the behaviors or boredom in the classroom, but it did give him something extra to be engaged in at school — a full day of gifted class for one day each week. Having a different setting, a teacher, and a curriculum focused on engaging his brain in the way it works most naturally.
That same year, while his engagement increased, the behaviors changed and grew into ones that were concerning — hitting, yelling, ripping up assignments, etc. Most of the behaviors were ones that he exhibited more severely at home than he did anywhere else. He would “mask” all day at school (maintain self-control and not have major meltdowns or explosive behavior), and as soon as he got home, the breakdowns would commence. It started as just harsh reactions and tantrums in response to behavior redirections. It escalated to ripping pictures (in their glass frames) off the wall and throwing them, threatening to hurt himself, and attempting to run away. All of that… at age 6… in the first grade. No attempts to de-escalate his behavior would work, and no number of parenting/child psychology books, play therapy sessions, or calming tools were helping. And while I don’t remember what the date was or what the school suspension was for, I do vividly remember the day everything changed.
What I do remember was the online support line I called, telling me that my only choice was to Baker Act him… and hanging up the phone feeling like I’d lost the battle.
In a desperate plea for help after picking him up from school after that suspension (in first grade), I showed up at the pediatrician’s office, after hours of using every tool in my toolbox. I walked into their office, tears streaming down my cheeks, breath shallow in my chest, eyes glued to my car outside, and begged for help. Because while I’m not a pediatrician or child psychologist, I am admittedly good at researching on my own. And after hours of attempting de-escalation on this specific day and months of being patient with resources, what I knew was that my son was struggling. He was dealing with the impulsive form of ADHD, and he needed help that I couldn’t give him.
READ: How We Are Managing ADHD Family Life
I left the pediatrician’s office that day with copies of the NICHQ Vanderbilt Assessments for his teachers, his play therapist, myself, and his dad to fill out and a motivation to move the process along as quickly as possible. The assessments showed what we assumed they would (ADHD) — specifically, the type with a heightened tendency to be impulsive. I knew that we’d tried everything except medication, but I was still hesitant to explore the idea of medicine. Until his pediatrician said to me, “Olivia, his brain is like a Ferrari… he’s wicked smart and he moves fast, but his frontal cortex (responsible for self-control) is like a Ferrari with the brakes of an old Chevy.” Suddenly, it all clicked, and every piece began to fall into place.
READ: When Did ADHD Medication Become Inconceivable?
Because he is gifted, he is rarely in situations where he is both being judged for his performance and is wrong. Contrarily, he was usually right when it came to the things that “mattered” — spelling tests, math tests, remembering facts, and knowing what emotion someone else was experiencing. The experience of being “right” had taught his brain to trust itself in that way. So, when his impulsivity began to surface in response to certain feelings, he defaulted to that state of trusting his brain. This meant that when that instinct was wrong, he was confused and dealing with a feeling of betrayal by his own body. In addition to the sense of betrayal, he was also finding himself in a shame spiral.
One of the most common characteristics of gifted children is an inclination toward perfectionism. They want to be right, and they want to be the best. And those desires? They don’t stop at academic performance or competitive sports. It extends into their ability to deal with behavioral redirections, face any amount of criticism, and be resilient in the wake of not being number one. For him, and most other twice exceptional children with ADHD and giftedness, this means that every time they are corrected and/or redirected, they internalize the feedback and interpret their mistakes as deeply seeded flaws. Separating their behavior from their identity is very difficult for them. It manifests for my son and many other gifted children as anxiety and shame.
It very quickly became evident that medication was the best next step for my son, and I will be forever thankful for his pediatrician (Jill Knight, MD, a pediatrician at Baptist Primary Care) for her support in that process. The combination of medication, good sleep (sometimes with the help of melatonin and/or magnesium), and play therapy has been critical to his success overall. The biggest and most essential step has been educating myself and what it means to parent a twice exceptional neurodivergent kid, and then communicating what I’ve learned, what we’ve seen work and not work, to the other adults in his life.
Resources & Ways to Get Help
If you’re still reading this, you are either a genuine trooper or you are in a position similar to the one I found myself in when I showed up to the pediatrician’s office on the day that changed it all. Either way, thank you for hanging in, and before I officially sign off, I want to leave you with a few resources that I’ve found extremely helpful.
Speak with your kids ‘ school counselor and request gifted testing and/or assessments. A 504 plan or IEP may be needed — it’s there to protect your child’s educational rights, not take them away. Please note that this process may look different based on whether your child attends a public school, charter school, or private school.
Find a good therapist to support behavioral change and emotional development. There are many different types of therapy that can help manage and improve your child’s symptoms. Behavioral therapy, parent training, and play therapy can work wonders, especially if you’re able to find one with open client spots and who takes your insurance. Speak with your doctor to determine the best method of therapy for your family.
Books:
- Differently Wired by Deborah Reber (Amazon)
- The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson (Amazon)
- Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be by Dr. Becky Kennedy (Amazon)
- Raising Twice Exceptional Children: A Handbook for Parents of Twice Neurodivergent Kids by Emily Kircher-Morris (Amazon)
- A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children: A Resource for Caregivers and Advocates by James T. Webb, Ph.D., Janet L. Gore, M.Ed., Edward R. Amend, Psy.D., and Arlene R. DeVries, M.S.E. (Amazon)
- Parenting at the Intersections by Jaya Ramesh, MA LMHC, and Priya Saaral, MSW, LICSW, RPT-S (Amazon)
Podcasts:
- Good Inside with Dr. Becky Kennedy
- ADHD Experts Podcast by ADDitude
- The Neurodiversity Podcast with Emily Kircher-Morris
Articles & Quick Reads:
- ADHD and Giftedness: Is There a Connection Between Them?
- Twice Exceptional & Proud: On Being Gifted with ADHD” Q&A Session for Parents of ADHD & 2E Students (VIDEO)
- ADHD and Gifted: Teaching Twice-Exceptional Students
- ADHD and Smart Brain
- ADHD Explosive Behavior: How My Family Learned to Keep Calm
- How to Explain ADHD to Kids and Teens
- Nurturing Twice-Exceptional Kids: A Parent’s Guide by Mental Health Center Kids
- Twice-Exceptional Kids: Both Gifted and Challenged by Child Mind Institute
- Family Tip Sheets – National Association for Gifted Children
