I Am Not My Mental Illness

Trigger Warning: This post contains subject matter relating to mental health and attempted suicide and may be distressing for some. If you are struggling, resources are available at namijax.org. 

mental illnessTired working mama of three young kiddos here, dropping in to say hi to you. How are you doing? No, really, how are YOU? Are you taking care of YOU first? Doing your self-care? I know it’s not easy, but I urge you to find that time because I’ve learned the hard way. Pushing my mental health to the side not only worsened my mental illness, it affected me physically. How is that possible? Well, my story is below, and I only hope that it can help you, too.

I was always active in my life, with sports and organizations, and I enjoyed being a very approachable, outgoing leader. Sure, I was prom queen and captain of the softball team, but inside I was constantly anxious thinking I wasn’t enough. I distinctly remember driving home after softball practice my junior year, thinking to myself, “What if I just swerve my car off the side of the road?” “What if I hit that tree there and just be gone forever? Would anyone care?” Doubtful. But I heard the lyrics of the song in my car, snapped out of it, and muttered to myself, “No. Not me. I’m too strong to be depressed.” There’s a sign.

In college, I played ball for two years but then shifted my focus to extracurriculars like student government president and treasurer of my sorority. A million other things later, I graduated Cum Laude at Westminster College in Pennsylvania. Honestly, I don’t know how I managed all of it, but spoiler, the answer is coming. I moved to St. Augustine after graduation in 2011 and immediately immersed myself in the local community.

Things were moving and grooving until the fall of 2012, when it finally hit me. The constant pushing my mental health off to the side, striving for utter perfection, hit me with numerous panic attacks that truly felt like heart attacks. You see, your brain fully develops in your mid-20s — isn’t that the perfect time for it to happen after you begin your adult life? I couldn’t sleep, yet I never got out of my bed, showered, left my room, answered my friends, or even went to work. I had severe dark thoughts.

READ: I Admit It, I Am Losing the Mental Health Battle

My parents didn’t know what to do, so I went into an inpatient facility and was officially diagnosed with severe depression. I got on some medication but still wasn’t okay, so I entered the facility again. I was overly anxious and scared and felt so completely alone. Months later, I was “fine,” so I bounced into sprinting through my life again, big surprise. I decided to stop my medication because I was clearly smarter than all the healthcare professionals. No. No. I was fine because I was on the medication — a sad misconception with this illness.

Well, because of this decision, my clouded vision of reality and numbness to my environment quickly returned. I went back to inpatient but was quickly discharged because I convinced everyone that I was fine. Three weeks later, I was forced back in because I attempted to end my life. I was sick to my stomach because my brain and thoughts were so foggy, but I genuinely thought the world was better without me; I was a burden to everyone.

Everyone told me that I didn’t have anything to be upset about or needed to be depressed. Supporters, I beg of you, do NOT say that phrase to someone with depression. The anxiousness felt like real spiders in my veins; it’s not just temporary sadness, it’s a chronic illness of the brain, constantly stuck in the clouded thoughts that are dark and evil, convincing you all day, every day.

Almost ending my life here on Earth is when I finally started to take my recovery and treatment seriously.

In July 2015, my doctor diagnosed me with bipolar depression. This explained my serious crashes and the slight “manic” ability to function at such a high level. This medication and approach gave me the clarity I have been seeking my entire life, and it felt amazing! Though I was finally clear, my physical abilities started to deteriorate. I noticed that my speech was slurring (sometimes had an accent) and certain mobility became difficult. Moreover, I was having non-epileptic seizures because all of my senses were heightened and noises or smells or anything would cause me to “seize” and fall — then I would immediately wake up, but couldn’t open my eyes or speak. I felt trapped, not only mentally, but emotionally and physically.

I went to the hospital and received every physical test but I was considered “healthy.” Finally, the psychiatrist diagnosed me with conversion disorder, a physical form of stress attacking the body. The stress was from the “big bang”of sorts that my brain encountered AND my external environment, (my parents had recently divorced and lost my grandfather). I had to go through occupational therapy to gain my speech and motor skills again, and through significant physical support from my boyfriend (now husband), I gained full recovery in January 2016.

I share my journey to let others know that it’s okay to seek help, raise your hand, and ask for guidance. You are not alone. Never once think that you are not worthy or that the world would be a better place because it would not be. Take it from someone who genuinely believed those deep dark thoughts personally but finally saw through the fog.

Through that pain, that darkness, I can now live. I am now a wife, a mother of three children under the age of 6, an MBA graduate, a leader in my career, and a voice in my community. My babies deserve the best version of me, and they will receive that if I take care of myself first. And that is not selfish. While exhausted (parenthood is a toughie for sure), I find energy in the same space. I am NOT my illness — but it is a part of me. In a twisted way, I am thankful because it helped me understand myself, finally see those roses, and just. be.

About the Author

Leigha Tipley is an avid volunteer in our community. She is an active member and previous board member of the Junior League of Jacksonville. Additionally, she is a passionately driven mental health advocate. She currently serves on the Board of Directors for the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Jacksonville affiliate. She is a certified “Ending the Silence” presenter where she has been able to reach many of our local youth with her message of recovery. Professionally, Leigha works at Mott MacDonald as a Talent Lead, focusing on recruitment and serving as a subject matter expert in strategic workforce planning. Leigha holds a Bachelor’s in Business Administration from Westminster College (PA), where she played softball and served as student government president. She moved to Saint Augustine post-graduation in 2011. She earned her MBA from Jacksonville University in 2017. She aspires to all things Audrey Hepburn and continues to enjoy playing and watching all the sports. Her true love is spending time with her husband, Christopher, their children, Deklan (6), Violet (4), and Brody (almost 2), and adopted pup Steele.

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