My husband and I often get comments like, “Y’all are so nice to each other,” or, “Are y’all always like that?” So I wanted to share a little secret of ours. Your words matter. Your words have power and create a ripple effect on others whether you realize it or not. It can be the difference between a good day and a bad day, so it’s important to choose your words wisely.
My husband and I were both in emotionally abusive and extremely toxic relationships before we started dating each other. After those relationships, we each took the time, in our own ways, to heal and try to grow from the scars of those broken relationships. It was a lot of work, and we continued that work while we dated, through our engagement, and now still through our marriage. I’m a huge proponent of therapy, self-help books, and all things healing because I can’t think of anything more deserving of growth, “continued education,” or furthering your knowledge, than yourself and your marriage. Finding help for your marriage is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength and continued growth. Through our healing, we’ve found one thing that helps our relationship, which is “words of affirmation.”
“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echos are truly endless.” –Mother Teresa
If you’ve read the book, The Five Love Languages, you’ve heard this term before. If not, I highly recommend you read that book as a couple.
Words of affirmation is one of the five love languages and entails “expressing affection through spoken words, praise, or appreciation.” This is something that neither of us ever had in a relationship before, so it became very powerful for us.
What He Does
My husband tells me how beautiful I am multiple times a day, every day. He will tell me I look nice, or he can see more muscle definition, or he loves my eyes, etc. With my constant struggle of negative self-talk, having my husband tell me I’m beautiful means the world to me. His words stop me in my tracks every time because I’m typically in some kind of self-loathing spiral about how I’m not thin enough, not pretty enough, or just not enough period.
My husband also thanks me for the things that I do. He will thank me for making dinner, working so hard on a specific project, or for making our home such a special place to come home to. These little thank you’s help get me through stressful days. It lets me know I’m appreciated.
What She Does
I thank my husband for working so hard for our family, and for our beautiful life together almost daily. He’s constantly under an immense amount of stress running his business, so simply thanking him, and recognizing his hard work and endless sacrifices goes a long way. I thank him because I don’t want him to ever think I take him or his effort for granted. I am eternally thankful.
I tell my Big Strong Handsome that my heart doesn’t beat without his. For us, it’s more than an “I love you.” We both know that I’m more than capable of living a full life without him, but after everything we’ve overcome together, my love and appreciation for him is so strong that I just don’t think my heart would beat without his next to mine. He feels the power and sincerity in my words and finds comfort in that.
Now, I understand that this love language isn’t for everyone. It can seem forced, insincere, or just weird. I do suggest, though, for everyone to at least give it a shot. ESPECIALLY if words of affirmation is your partner’s love language. The key is that your words, whatever they may be, are sincere. You can’t simply just move through the motions here with a numb “love you” or “thanks” and then be irritated that your spouse isn’t moved with emotion by what you said. This isn’t a tit-for-tat situation. This is a giving 100% to your marriage situation. Let your partner know how much they mean to you, and give both of you some grace, because no relationship is perfect. They all take work.
