After the loss of a loved one, many people find it helpful and healing to find ways to stay connected to that person. Although the deceased is no longer here physically, finding ways to still feel close to them and continue that relationship can be beneficial for grievers, especially children. Sharing memories of a loved one through talking can be very healing, but often children are more open to doing hands-on activities. You would be surprised how often doing an activity can lead to great discussions about thoughts and feelings. Finding tangible ways for children to stay connected to a loved one can sound daunting, but there are many simple and cost effective ways to do this. The examples below are based on my specialty, grief due to death, but can also be effectively used to help connect children with family members who live far away, are deployed, or are no longer living in the home with them.
Memory Stone
Creating a memory stone is a great activity to do as a family or individually. Once completed, you and your child will have created a permanent keepsake that honors your loved one.
Materials: Garden stone kit which can be found at most craft stores, bucket, decorative stones, lettering.
1. Talk to your child about creating this stone in memory of their loved one. Let them think of the way they’d like to decorate the stone and allow them to make a sample before mixing the cement. You can use the stones/colored glass included to create a picture or design, or even write your loved one’s name or nickname.
2. Follow directions to mix cement. Younger children may need help with this.
3. Pour mixed cement into mold tray. Jiggle the plastic mold gently back and forth to smooth the surface.
4. Follow directions on how much time to allow cement to dry before decorating. I generally touch it gently after a few minutes to see how firm it is. When you can press materials into the cement, and they don’t sink, that’s usually the time to start decorating. Decorate cement with stones and designs first. It can take several minutes of drying before cement is ready for writing.
5. Allow to dry fully for at least 24 hours. You can clean the excess cement from the top of the stones with a toothbrush or damp rag.
6. This is my favorite part! Pick a special spot where your child would like his/her memory stone placed. This can be a spot in your garden, front or backyard, or even inside your home. Talk to them about how this is now a special space they can come to when they want to feel close to their loved one. They can talk to them there, write notes/draw pictures to leave under the stone, or just look at it and think of favorite memories.
While doing this activity, ask questions about why your child is picking certain stones, colors, or designs. Talk about how these things remind them of their loved one and in what ways it brings back memories. Although it can be difficult, try to step back and allow your child to make decisions about what the stone will look like. We all want the final product to be beautiful, remember that having something your child created with his/her heart is always beautiful regardless of the final product.
Memory Candle
The ritual of lighting a candle in honor of someone who has died has long been a part of our culture. The flame signifies that the memory lives on and burns as bright as the candle light. A memorial candle is a great way to celebrate the life of the person who has died and can often bring comfort to those who are grieving.
You can create a special memory candle with children of all ages. For safety, I recommend using a flameless battery operated candle.
Materials: Candle holder, colored tissue paper, permanent marker, Mod Podge, paint brush, battery operated tea light candle.
1. Pick out a small glass or plastic candle holder. These can be found at craft or dollar stores.
2. Cut colored tissue paper into small strips. Ask your child what color or colors they would like to use. Colors picked can be your loved one’s favorite color, your child’s favorite color, or an assortment of colors.
3. Talk with your child about some of the things that made that person so special and help brainstorm characteristics that describe your loved one. Use a permanent marker (washable will not work) to write these traits on several pieces of tissue paper. Your child can also write the person’s names, favorite memories, or draw pictures on the tissue paper.
4. Carefully paint a thin layer of Mod Podge directly onto the outside of the glass. Stick the tissue paper onto the glass. When you’ve attached all the tissue to the candle holder, paint another layer of mod podge over all the tissue. Let dry completely.
5. Place an electric candle into memory candle holder and see the pictures and words shine through. Talk with your child about the person you love and encourage them to turn the light on whenever they are missing that person.
Memory Pillowcase
Night can often be one of the most difficult times for grievers, and it is not uncommon for children to have trouble sleeping, have nightmares, or to not want to sleep alone. Sometimes it can be helpful to have a special item that brings comfort to your child while in bed. This can be a stuffed animal, doll, or special pillowcase. Making a memory pillowcase can be an easy and fun activity that opens the lines of communication between you and your child while also creating a keepsake that may provide comfort at bedtime.
Materials: Plain pillowcase, fabric markers, fabric, iron-on adhesive, iron.
1. Before sitting with your child to create pillowcase, get an assortment of fabrics in various colors and designs. You can buy the unused pieces from already cut fabric, pre-cut fabric squares, or have your craft store cut a small amount of any fabric you’d like. Your child can help pick out the colors and designs they would like to use on their pillowcase.
2. Place the iron-on adhesive to the back of your fabric pieces. I generally buy Heat‘n Bond Ultrahold as it is no-sew and easy to use. Follow the instructions on the package of your adhesive to get your fabric ready to adhere to your pillowcase.
3. Lay out the pillowcase and talk to your child about your loved one. Ask them to think of special memories, things they miss about that person or things that their loved one liked. Your child can then cut out fabric into various letters, shapes, or designs that represent the person who died. They can also use the fabric markers to write out words or add designs to the pillowcase. Once your child has decided where they would like the fabric pieces, iron the fabric onto the pillowcase. Remember, only an adult should use the iron.
4. Encourage your child to use their special pillowcase to hug and snuggle when they are missing their loved one.
*You can also get iron-on transfer paper to print out a picture of your loved one and iron-on the pillowcase.
Memory Box
After a death, there are often certain objects that connect us with the person who died and bring children comfort. These items are called “linking objects” because they offer a physical “link” to the person who died. It can be important to provide a safe place for these objects, and one great place can be a memory box.
Materials: Box of any kind, markers, magazines, stickers, glue.
1. Pick out a box with your child to act as the basic structure of the memory box. This can be an old shoe box, cardboard box, pencil box, or anything else that is just the right size for your need.
2. Talk to your child about the person who died and how they will use the box. Tell them that the box will be able to hold their special linking objects as well as pictures, cards, drawings, notes, and other mementos.
3. Have your child use pictures from magazines, stickers, and their own drawings to decorate the outside of the box. You can help them come up with ideas by asking questions about their loved one, talking about things they liked and sharing fun stories and memories.
4. When the box has been decorated, find a special place that your child can keep it and add their keepsakes. Encourage your child to use this box as a place to put notes to their loved one, pictures they’ve drawn them, or just a place to look back through when they are missing that special person.
Picture Frame
Having photos of their loved one can be extremely comforting and healing for children. We often have pictures up throughout the house, but forget that children may want a picture of their very own. Creating a place to display that special picture is something many children enjoy. You should allow your child to take the lead on picking out the picture they’d like to frame. This can be a photo of the whole family, the child and their loved one, or just a favorite picture of the person they love and miss.
Materials: Plain picture frame, art supplies (markers, paint, stickers, or anything else your child would like to use to decorate the frame), glue, a printed photo of your child’s loved one.
1. Talk to your child about how looking at pictures of people we love can help us feel closer to them and help with our grief. Allow them to pick out a picture and a frame to decorate.
2. Let your child decorate the frame however they would like. While decorating, you can share memories of their loved one’s favorite things and encourage them to incorporate those if desired.
3. Place picture of loved one in completed frame.
4. Talk to your child about where they would like frame displayed in their room. Some children choose somewhere for the frame to be prominently displayed, others choose to have it in a drawer or closet so they can look at it when they feel the need.
5. Let your child know that looking at the picture when they miss their loved one can sometimes help. You can also let your child know that it is okay to talk to the picture if that is something they feel comfortable with.
These are just five examples of hands-on grief activities you can do with your children. Please know that these can be modified to meet the needs of your child and family. There are also many other great ways to encourage open communication about how your child is feeling and create a keepsake that can be a reminder of that special person. Don’t forget to talk to your child about his or her ideas as well. Children are amazing at coming up with ways to honor the people they love.
While these can be great activities for grieving children, there is also more support available. Community Hospice offers individual bereavement counseling at no cost for all adults and children in the Jacksonville area for up to 13 months after the death. We also have Camp Healing Powers®, our weekend grief camp for children ages 7-17, twice a year. Children are eligible to attend camp for up to two years after the death. If you have other questions or would like more information on children’s grief, please contact me, Katie McConnell, at 904.407.6222 or [email protected].
About the Author
Katie McConnell moved from the cold and snow of Maine to attend Florida State University where she received her undergraduate degree in Psychology and Master’s Degree in Clinical Social Work. Since moving to Jacksonville in 2007 Katie has seen her professional dream come to life counseling children and families in need. In 2009 Katie began working with Community Hospice of Northeast Florida focusing her passion on helping families navigate their grief journey. Katie provides individual counseling to adults and children throughout the year and twice a year has the privilege of directing Camp Healing Powers; a fun, meaningful, and healing weekend for children who have experienced a significant loss. In her personal life, Jacksonville has been good to Katie as well. In 2009 she met her husband Chris and even though he’s a Gator, she just couldn’t resist his many charms. This summer they welcomed their first child, a beautiful girl named Celia, and have been loving all the fun, sleepless nights, and adventures this amazing addition brings to their family.
