Dear Husbands,
It’s not much of a surprise that relationships between married women and their mothers-in-law can be… well, complicated. And perhaps the holiday that encompasses that the most is Mother’s Day. And guys, we know: You’re really, really caught in the middle. Your mother expects you to do something for her. Your wife wants to feel special, too. And you probably just want to make everyone happy. But here’s something, from all of us wives out there, that you really, really need to know: Guys, Mother’s Day is not about your mom. Not anymore, anyway.
READ: Guide to Mother’s Day: Where to Dine + Celebrate In & Around Jacksonville
We get it, you spent your entire life doing something special for her on Mother’s Day. You love her. You’re grateful for the sacrifices she made for you. These are all good things. But now you’re married, and your wife has given you children of your own. That means your focus, your priority, needs to shift from your mother, to the mother of your children. She takes precedence now. (Sorry, mothers-in-law.)
Right now, your wife is in the trenches. She’s going through the most difficult part of motherhood. She’s dealing with tons of stress and frustration every single day, whether it be crying babies and dirty diapers, toddler temper tantrums and potty training, or insane loads of homework, bullies, and adolescence. Being a mom means being selfless, pretty much every moment of every day. She’s always worrying about someone else, fixing everyone else’s problems, and rarely takes time for herself. Guys, your mom did all of this, too — but those days, for her, are over. So on Mother’s Day, you need to make the day special for your wife first and foremost.
Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean forget your mom altogether. By all means, send your mom flowers. Get her a lovely gift. But ask your wife what she wants to do on Mother’s Day first, and if the answer is not “go to my mother-in-law’s house,” then don’t drag everyone to go see your mother. After all, it’s not Grandparent’s Day (and yes, that’s a real day, guys). There are other days you can devote to showering your mom with attention and gifts and pampering. On Mother’s Day, you need to focus on the woman who is currently in the throes of motherhood.
Let’s say that you really want to spend time with your mom on Mother’s Day — well, have no fear, because there are still ways to make this a win-win situation. There are a couple of options here: First, you can see your mom the Saturday before Mother’s Day. The second, and likely better, option? Pack up your kids, and take them to your mom’s house… without your wife. Plan a special day for her that she can have all to herself — a nice brunch, a mini shopping spree, the chance to see that movie she’s been wanting to see, a day at a spa, or heck, even just the ability to enjoy her empty house where she can read and nap without getting interrupted a million times by tiny people who always need something. Moms rarely get time alone, and this can give her the opportunity to get a much-needed break for rest and relaxation, while you still get to spend time with your mom.
Of course, there might be the chance that your wife says she wants to spend the day together, as a family — no mother-in-law’s house. And in that case, then sorry, guys, but you’re going to have to cut the apron strings and put your wife first. She should be the main woman in your life now. You should be treating her like that every day, but especially on Mother’s Day.
One last note: Us moms, we’re not saying you shouldn’t do anything for your mom on Mother’s Day. Again, get a gift for her! Do something special for her. But just remember who the main mom in your life is now. And for the love of all that is holy, do not make your wife responsible for your mom’s Mother’s Day. Your wife should not be worrying about making sure your mom has a fantastic Mother’s Day while her special day is all but forgotten. Your wife doesn’t need to be picking out your mom’s gift or planning a visit to her house or arranging a Mother’s Day brunch for your mother. You need to take on the responsibility of doing something nice for your mom, but especially something nice for your wife. It’s a lot, we know. But trust us, feeling special and loved and valued, and being put first for one day out of the year… it goes a long way for us moms, especially as we’re battling the everyday stresses of motherhood. We’re not saying not to remember your mom; we’re just saying, don’t forget us, either. Because, sorry guys, but a day dedicated to making your mom feel honored doesn’t make us feel that great. So for today, put us first.
Love,
Wives and Moms Everywhere
This post was originally published in 2018, updated in 2024.
I totally relate to this It’s kinda hard as well if your husband is such a mama’s boy . You don’t forget your mom on Mothers day but the wife should be his first priority. Many years my husband would ask me if did I order a flowers yet for his mom on mothers day but doesn’t ask if I bought my own mother a flowers as well . When I told him I should be his first priority on mothers day he replied that I’m not his mom . So , I told him ” I think you need a mother more than you need a wife ” Lol! It’s ridiculous and discouraging . 😂
bullshit bullshit bullshit….i was a single mother and yes you can do something for the wife but split the damn day up and the MOTHER SHOULD TOTALLY BE GIVEN TIME ON MOTHERS DAY PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your comment doesn’t make clear which “mother” you’re referring to, but it seems that you meant that the husband’s mother should be given time on Mother’s Day. But she already had that time when she was actively parenting when her children were young. I think you can still honor your own mother/MIL very nicely without having to give up a special day with a mom who is actively raising her kids.
Agree! It is not grandmas day! Do I have to be 90 before I enjoy Mother’s Day without cooking cleaning or catering to the preference of my mother in law who happens to think she’s a queen anyway?
I can’t wait for this mom who feels this way becomes a mother-in-law! If it were not for the husband’s mother that wife would not even be married to him or be a mother! So be fair, have a family gathering, include and celebrate ALL the mothers! That is how my family did it – I never once felt neglected by my husband for wanting to celebrate his mom on Mother’s Day, in fact, I admired that he did! I had my two young sons to make me feel special, it was not my husband’s responsibility. Hate to remind you, but all of you mom’s who have your panties in a twist because your husband is thoughtful enough and respectful enough to celebrate his mom on Mother’s Day will some day be an in-law and sitting at home alone.
This is beyond ridiculous. How does a man not show appreciation to HIS mother? Yes, definitely get something for your wife from the kids and make it special. But never ever leave out the mother who loves you beyond words. You are so wrong!
I’m a mother in law. Since my son married I barely see him. It’s all about his wife, the kids and his in laws. So I think Mother’s day should be about his mother. His wife is the woman he lives with everday, the woman he see’s and goes out with on a regular basis. So on Mothers Day, I want some time with my son. He should help his kids pick out something for their Mother, but not celebrate his wife. He should teach his kids to do that. It’s called Mother’s Day. Not wives day.
I mean your son is married of course his immediate family comes first. And yes his new immediate family is absolutely supposed to come first. Why is that a problem that he puts his own children and his wife first? Also sounds like you blame the DIl and don’t think very highly of you by your claim since he got married.
Don’t you want the mother of your grandchildren aka your DIl to feel special as she is in the throes of motherhood?
Well, I can see from your picture that you are young now. What you haven’t experienced yet is being the mother of an empty nest. I’d like to see how your opinion will change once your children are married, especially your sons. And here’s what’s going to bite you, your sons are learning how to treat their mother on Mother’s Day based on how your husband is treating his mother on Your Mother’s Day. They’ll have wives just like what you defined above. that’s gonna hurt.
Agree completely! Not my responsibility to coordinate and cook for my mother in law. I make time for my own mother, and yes would love some alone time so husband can go to his moms, but considering she makes everything about her and I host most holidays, Mother’s Day is a day for me.
In your bio, I think Lilly’s born in year is wrong?? Unless she’s the oldest! Nice article, thanks for sharing.
I caught that too BUT I’m thinking the child in 07 is a child born before she was married, (either hers or his) because of the yrs apart from the others AND therefore is not “included”… the same as she doesn’t include her MIL for Mother’s Day.
Most people today have forgotten how to compromise. It’s Mother’s Day. A day to celebrate all mothers. So get together some place and do a potluck and enjoy the fact you have family. I’m a mother and now a Mimi. I’m hosting a potluck. All the able bodies are bringing something and my husband and I are putting the clean house, drinks and desserts. The ambled adult children are bring something to share. Should be real nice. The spirit of giving and sharing. We are doing it at 11:30 am giving everyone the rest of the afternoon to do whatever else they want to do. Celebrate people. Stop fighting.
Well said. And is his wife going to forget she has a mother too? Once a mother, always a mother. Honoring your mother, mother-in-law and wife on Mother’s Day doesn’t have to be done all together. Let the wife sleep in (or go visit her mother) and take the kids to a breakfast with your mom. Grandparent’s Day is a joke. Most people don’t even celebrate it. If you want to show your children how to love and respect someone, you can make this happen. It just sounds to me like a wife who needs to be the center of attention. She needs to grow up and realize life isn’t all about her.