It’s not that I don’t want to have sex–because I really do. It’s just the person I’m married to does not.
I am certain he loves me–he just doesn’t love to make love. No, it hasn’t always been this way. When we started dating, we would have sex a few times a week. Things changed when we got engaged. I know I sound like a guy when I say this, but things changed when he put a ring on my finger. We started making love less and less. I thought it was because the stress of the impending wedding and we had just purchased our first home–it seems like I became good at finding excuses why he didn’t want me sexually.
He never wanted to talk about it. He would roll over and go to sleep. He would say that I was “too horny,” and my sex drive was unnatural. The most affection I would receive would be a hug before bed and a peck on the lips. He even joked once that he would be fine if I slept with someone else if that would mean I left him alone. (Of course, I didn’t do that.)
We would make love once every few months those first years of marriage. A few years later, I became pregnant with our first child. I can tell you the day I got pregnant and under what circumstances, that’s how infrequent our sex life was. I can actually pinpoint the date and time. Like many couples, sex becomes an afterthought after the birth of a baby. Combine that with our lack of sleep and there was no way my sexual needs were going to be met. Yes, I was exhausted with a newborn, but I still longed for my husband.
A few years later, our second child arrived (once again I could pinpoint the exact day I got pregnant). Of course, things didn’t improve. The only time I could hope to get some satisfaction would be those 30-45 minutes after he fell asleep. He would half-way wake up and have his way with me. Then he would roll over and go to sleep. He said he never remembered anything the next day. I did some research and found out that in some men, their libido is highest during that period of sleep. Even so, you can imagine what that does to a woman’s self-esteem. Her husband only has sex with her when he’s sleeping. I concluded that I would take it however I could get it.
A friend once asked me if I thought he was having an affair. I have to say I am certain he isn’t. He’s a great father and wonderful provider. He’s just not sexual. AT ALL. And yes–I’ve tried lingerie, alcohol, foreplay. You name it, I’ve tried everything. I am sure there are therapists that could help us, but he will not seek counseling for this. To him, it is not a big deal at all. So I have just come to the conclusion that one cannot simply have everything their heart desires. I crave a certain intimacy that I have concluded I will never have with him. I long for the connection that most married couples have. The fact is, he defines intimacy as cuddling, hugging, and honesty. I define it on a much more physical level.
Why am I sharing these intimate details of my marriage with the world? Because there must be women who are in the same situation as me. To those wives longing for a sexual relationship with your husband, you are not alone.
I know how you feel. I was 24 when I met my now husband, he was 35. We had sex all the time when we first got together. We used to party and go out a lot then too. As time went on and our friends were getting married and having families, we followed suit and life settled down. I try to initiate sex all the time but my husband is never in the mind. He’s either tired or stressed about work (he also suffers from anxiety in which he occasionally has to take medication.) Along with having a 2 year old, it is hard to always be in the mood or have the time. But we can go 6 weeks sometimes without sex. And the only time we kiss more than a hello or goodnight peck is during sex. So we go weeks without any physical affection, which for a woman, is draining. I need to feel desired and loved, in that way. I know he loves me and is completely faithful. He just says he doesn’t have the same sex drive he used to. My lingerie is gathering dust in the back of the closet now. I refuse to wear it in fear of rejection, that has happened before. I guess I’ll just have to get my satisfaction from Channing Tatum in my dreams.
Thank you for this blog. I’m glad I’m not alone. I always have to be the pursuer because everything is great in my marriage but the intimacy. If I ever even considered divorce I know it would my children would feel I’m at fault
My advice is keep on holding on. Your marriage is worth fighting for! My husband and I had the same problem our first few years of marriage. My father-in-law passed away the first year of our marriage and he was understandably upset about that loss. Being in my early 20s when we got married, my husband is the only man I have ever been intimate with and I was wanting more intimacy than he was. After our first child it got worse. A friend of his told him that it was normal for married couples to lose those desires and that he should just accept it. He did the exact opposite. He said he had to make a choice in his mind that that would not be our normal. We both made it a priority to make time for it and be available, no matter how exhausted we might have been. Since then, intimacy and every area of our marriage has gotten better and better. We are both now in our 30’s with our kids in school all day so making time to be together is so much easier. After a morning workout or lunch dates are amazing!
Be united with your spouse, desire more than just intimacy, work together to find a solution and don’t forget that even God cares for you in this area of your marriage. I truly believe that when you are united and you both seek God for your marriage, He will bless you in ways that you cannot even imagine.
Is he masturbating? That may be the issue. Depression? Hormone imbalance?
I do not see how this is considered normal or healthy for you or him. If he won’t go to counseling or talk about it…there are issues. Stuff like this shouldn’t be swept under the rug. You shouldn’t have to live like that craving something u can’t have. Not fair to be in a relationship u can’t just openly talk about stuff. Great for being open and honest and encouraging others that are in the same boat but don’t chalk it up to ‘the end’…keep trying. Even asking ‘r u masturbating?’ ‘R u cheating on me?’ Real topics. Real issues. Hugs!
Sincerely the wife who has had low drive and fixed it.
Thank you thank you for sharing. I am so happy to know that I’m not the only one dealing with this in my life too.
Thank you for this post! I too am in a marriage that lacks sex. I always have to initiate, and I’ve learned when to do so to avoid rejection, which hurts. Physical affection is not his strong suit- no cuddling or hugs or a kiss other than a peck hello and goodbye.
I love my husband, but he tells me he’s just not that interested in sex. He’s been loyal to me, and when I had my kids, I was certainly appreciative of his lack of interest while I recovered.
It’s a hard thing to come to terms with, but it certainly helps to see that our situation is not that uncommon. So thanks again for opening up and discussing a rather touchy topic.
Hi – This doesn’t sound right. Has he been evaluated by anyone? I’ve been in urology for 9 years, and this sounds like a classic case of low testosterone. Very treatable and would give him his libido and energy back.
I can also pinpoint the date and time I got pregnant with my child. It’s frustrating, I don’t have an answer, however, my husband also does the whole sleep-sex thing (or did, now he sleeps on the couch). I’ve had thoughts about- “can I deal with this for the rest of my life,” as well. I just deal with it. Even when we do have sex, I don’t know if I feel more connected, it’s all the same now. I try to connect with him in different ways, who knows where it will take us, I know he’ll most likely regret it when ED sets in.
We waited until marriage to have sex. At first I thought it was romantic because he respected my religious desire. However I later learned it’d probably because he just wasn’t interested. I was actually pretty angry with God and the church about this for leading to believe that waiting until marriage would make our intimacy greater. I felt like it was a big fat lie. And then it obviously took us forever to get pregnant. I hated that there was nothing romantic about that process at all. I basically forced him to be with me after I peed on ovulation sticks and absolutely dreaded the thought of trying for a second kid. I did however a couple of years ago learn he had an addiction to Internet porn when I accidentally pulled it off his phone while downloading photos of our sons baptism (the irony). Since that confrontation and the implementation of strategies to protect against this (a cell phone website monitoring service etc) I will say our sex life has improved. At the time he told me it is normal for guys to do that. But what happened to our marriage is not normal. Sex once a month at most and we never had sex before marriage. I will say to stay suspicious even if you think it’s a low libido. I’m glad I did.
Wow. Thank you for this. I often can’t talk to my girlfriends about this because they DON’T GET IT. They assume something is very broken if this is happening. But it’s true…we can’t have it all. My husband gives in so many other ways…but not in this way. I do long for it – but is it enough to end a marriage? No. Again, THANK YOU THANK YOU for making me feel like I’m not alone.
I’d say it’s one of two things: health or porn. If something in his sex drive has changed, it could be health related (weight gain, depression, low t) and he would need to be evaluated by a doctor. If it’s not that, it’s probably porn.
My husband and I went through a dry spell after having a forced dry spell for several months (in which I was on strict bed rest with baby for several months, ie. no sex). After I gave birth, I was ready and raring to go, but he was not. This dry spell went on unexplained for nearly six months until I discovered that he was basically taking care of all his sexual needs himself. I guess I assumed he was just a monk during that time.
It’s funny because after I “found out” I started noticing that he would stay up later than me after an exhausting day with the kids, or when I was up the middle of the night when I was up nursing I’d realize he was still downstairs. It just seemed like our lives were missing each other. He basically found that it was easier for him to knock something out, without me, then having to go through the effort of having to initiate with me.
Fast-forward, we worked through the problem. It didn’t get better overnight nor did I try to become judge, jury of my husband. I kind of think our sex life is a metaphor for our relationship. Frequency and duration are only problems if the other person in the relationship is not getting their needs met. And in healthy relationships we make efforts to try to meet those needs.
I know how sad and heartbreaking it is when the other person can’t/won’t/or is unwilling to meet those needs. There is a problem. You have a problem. It’s not okay for him to not want to talk about it. If you had any other need… I’m hungry, I’m thirsty… is, “I don’t want to talk about it,” a good enough answer.